Wednesday, April 14, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Ben Hayslett

Writer (Retired)

Ben's articles

Lazy Serial Killer Doesn’t Even Have Cool Pattern | Apr 20 2018

After investigating a series of murders, police report that the serial killer they are chasing is lazy and doesn’t even have a cool pattern. “The murders are seemingly random and without a clear motive,” said Chief Detective Mashall Phillips.

Johnny Depp’s New Perfume Just Something He Calls “Scarf Smell” | Apr 20 2018

Okay so we heard that Johnny Depp’s new perfume is just something he calls “Scarf Smell”…? The new perfume will be available at Macy’s… we think. But like who would want to buy that? “Yeah um it’s a fragrance I’m calling Scarf Smell,” said Johnny Depp, expecting us to know what that meant.

Mad Lib CEO Announces (VERB) of Company’s Latest (NOUN) | Apr 20 2018

At a press conference last Tuesday, Mad Lib CEO Markus Dohle announced the (VERB) of the company’s latest (NOUN). “We are so (ADJECTIVE) to be here in (U.S. CITY) for this special day,” said Dohle to a crowd of (NUMBER) spectators. “Anyone who is a fan of (PLURAL NOUN) will be very (ADJECTIVE) with our (NOUN).” Dohle went on to (ADVERB) thank everyone who had worked on the (NOUN).

Dear God, Please Make Me Smaller by Shaq | Apr 20 2018

Dear God, First of all I want to thank you. My big, strong body is a wonderful gift. It’s been fun being so big but I am getting tired of it. Please make me smaller. When I was playing basketball, being big was good. I liked being big because it let me dunk on people without trying too hard.

Stressed Meteorologist Reports Region of High Pressure in Friendship With Kyle | Apr 20 2018

During a broadcast this past Wednesday, meteorologist Daniel Martin reported a region of high pressure in his relationship with Kyle. “This week we are seeing a rising area of intense pressure between me and Kyle,” said Martin. “This pressure will likely break all existing records for the area unless he stops bothering me about my plans for the weekend.” Martin first forecasted the region of high pressure when Kyle made an offhand comments suggesting Martin should spend less time with his girlfriend.

Report: It So Hot That The Air Getting Wiggly | Apr 20 2018

As temperatures in the area rise, a report from the National Weather Service warned that it so hot that the air is getting wiggly. “Temperatures are getting so high that we’re beginning to see wiggles in the air just above the ground,” said meteorologist Wendy Schein.

Terrifying Barista Keeps Writing “You Will Die Tonight” In Latte Foam | Apr 20 2018

Blue State customers report that a new terrifying barista has been writing “You Will Die Tonight” in foam on top of their lattes. “When I look down at my latte and the barista has drawn a nice heart or leaf in the foam, it’s a little treat,” said customer Hannah Gates.

Student Compensating For Absolute Shithole Of A Room With Tiny Potted Cactus | Apr 20 2018

Claiming he wants to make his room feel more welcoming, junior Craig Rollins bought a tiny potted cactus for his absolute shithole of a room. “It’s nice to have something beautiful and alive in my room,” said Rollins, completely ignoring the fact that the rest of his room is covered in piles of unfolded clothes and dirty dishes.

You Gotta Try Putting Pesto On Your Pasta, FDA Reports | Mar 09 2018

A study released by the Food and Drug Administration on Monday revealed that you gotta try putting pesto on your pasta. The study which included FDA scientists testing the basil based sauce on various types of pasta concluded that, yup, it’s a good combination.

J.J. Watt Starts Morning With Nice, Hot Gatorade Shower | Mar 09 2018

J.J. Watt begins every morning with a nice, hot Gatorade Shower, report the his teammates. “It really wakes me up to have the warm electrolytes running over my skin,” said Watt. The Texan’s All-Pro defensive end prepares for the day ahead under the steady stream of food color, salt, and sugar. “I love starting the day off letting the piping hot sports hydration formula clear my head." At press time, Watt was explaining why Powerade is totally different than Gatorade.

REPORT: Look Look Look That Kid Ain’t Got NOOOOO Teeth! | Mar 09 2018

Look, look, look that kid on the playground ain’t got nooooo teeth, eyewitnesses reported. “Derek, Robbie, Mikey,” reported one of the other kids on the playground. “Look over there by the slide. That kid ain’t got nooooo teeth.” “Yo yo yo,” he continued, after getting a reeeeaaaal good look.

Curious Epidemiologist Suggests Maybe We Just Let It Spread For A Little While | Mar 09 2018

After reports of a small outbreak of yellow fever in Western Europe, curious epidemiologist Trent Martone suggested that maybe it should just be allowed to spread for a while. “I just think it would be interesting if we saw what happened,” reported Martone, enthusiastically watching news reports of the outbreak.

After Lively Half-Hour of Discussion, Seminar Settles In For Two Hours Of Complete Silence | Dec 01 2017

Sources report that after a lively and spirited discussion of the week’s readings for “Bolivia: 1945-1970”, the seminar settled in for two hours of complete silence. While the seminar began as a fruitful exchange of ideas, all desire to speak or engage with classmates dried up after about a half an hour.

Student Knows Proposal For Nude Production Of Grease Will Have PW Eating Out Of Palm Of Their Hand | Dec 01 2017

Writing his proposal to direct a show at Production Workshop this winter, junior Darren Mills knew his idea for a nude production of “Grease” would have the PW board eating out of the palm of his hand. “They love to push the envelope and I’m hand delivering them the envelope to push,’” reported Mills who engineered his proposal specifically to get passed by the student theater board.

Shakespeare On The Green’s Definition Of “Shakespeare-Related” Pretty Fucking Generous | Dec 01 2017

After Shakespeare on the Green announced they were putting on a production of “A Few Good Men” this Spring, it became immediately clear that the theater company’s definition of “Shakespeare-related” is pretty fucking generous. “‘A Few Good Men’ is a tragic show that in the Shakespearean tradition depicts how men can be corrupted by power and lose themselves,” said board member Marty Powell, not realizing what a huge stretch that is.

Jared Leto To Chill The Fuck Out In Preparation For Latest Role | Dec 01 2017

Sources report that in preparation for his latest role as a vacationing father, Jared Leto will chill the fuck out. Gearing up for the Fox Searchlight film, Leto is set to completely transform into the role by toning his shit the fuck down. The “Dallas Buyers Club” actor hopes to deliver a memorable performance as the father having a good, simple time with his wife and kids by taking it easy for once in his goddamned life.

Kid Has No Fucking Idea This Experience Formative | Dec 01 2017

As he sits watching fish at the Boston Aquarium, 10-year-old Darren Meeks has no idea this experience is formative. While he is enjoying his time at the aquarium, Meeks is absolutely clueless that the day he has been spending with a class field trip will shape a large part of his adult personality.

Area Man a Tea Guy Now | Dec 01 2017

Showing off the four new types of tea he’s bought in the last week, area man Chuck Rivers reports he’s a tea guy now. “I used to be a coffee guy but I started to feel like it would make me too stressed,” said Rivers, filling a kettle with water and putting it on the stove.

Soylent Most Efficient Way To Enjoy Meal That Tastes Like Shit | Dec 01 2017

At a press conference last tuesday, Soylent CEO Rob Rhinehart announced Soylent’s commitment to making their product the most efficient way to enjoy a meal that tastes like shit. The meal replacement in a bottle can be taken anywhere and endured on-the-go.

“None of the Oscar Nominated Movies Were Any Good” Says Man Who Must Have Good Taste | Dec 01 2017

“None of the Oscar nominees were good,” said local man Eli Morris, who sources report must have good taste. “Honestly, I think ‘Call Me By Your Name’ is way overrated,” said Morris, who apparently gets movies in a way that no one else does, and sees the flaws that everyone else must be missing.

University Proudly Announces Plans To Do The Bare Minimum | Mar 11 2016

Brown University recently announced its plans to combat the school’s systemic issues by doing the bare minimum. “Brown has always committed itself to the ideals of equality and justice, and today we honor that commitment by doing as little as we can get away with,” said President Christina Paxson in an address from the steps of Faunce House.

Only The President Really Lives The American Dream, By President Barack Obama | Mar 11 2016

The most powerful promise our nation has to offer is the American Dream. For generations, people have been inspired by the idea that all can make something of themselves here in America. But what those people don’t understand is that only the president really lives the American Dream. I, Barack Obama, am living the American dream right now, and I am the only one.

Don't Ever Meet Your Heroes, Because They Will Punch You In The Face | Dec 04 2015

This summer one of my personal heroes, Jennifer Lawrence, was filming her new movie just down the street from my house. Every once in a while during breaks from filming she would sign autographs for the crowd of fans outside her trailer. I was nervous to actually meet someone in person that I had idolized from afar for so long, but eventually I decided it was too good an opportunity to pass up.

Tearstained Love Letter Really Hard To Read | Dec 04 2015

Area teen Gracie Werthers revealed she is having a lot trouble reading the love letter written to her by her longterm boyfriend Nathan Stitson because it is covered in tear stains. “It is totally gross. The paper is all wrinkly and I can barely read it from his crying all over it.

Mom Likes This Commercial | Dec 04 2015

Saying that the 30-second spot for Skittles was pretty neat, local mom Jan Hemsley mentioned to her children that she liked this commercial. “This commercial is kind of nice,” said Hemsley, pointing out her approval to her son. “I thought the part at the end was pretty funny.” In the advertisement, a man in an office touches another man on the shoulder and he collapses into a pile of Skittles.

Self-Written Vows Demonstrate Couple's Commitment To The Five Paragraph Essay | Oct 30 2015

Guests at the wedding of Justin and Mary Grant reported that the self-written vows of the newly married couple showed their clear commitment to the five-paragraph essay. “It was all there,” said friend of the bride Dora Flanders. “A strong thesis, evidence to support it, and a conclusion that synthesized everything the author had been talking about.” Both Mr.

I Love Baseball A Lot, But Not Enough to Marry It By Derek Jeter | Oct 30 2015

I consider myself one of the luckiest guys in the world. Every day, I am so grateful I get paid to do what I love for a living: play baseball. It has become a huge part of my life. I love baseball. But I would not marry baseball. There is something truly special about baseball.

Self-Written Vows Demonstrate Couple's Commitment To The Five Paragraph Essay | Oct 30 2015

Guests at the wedding of Justin and Mary Grant reported that the self-written vows of the newly married couple showed their clear commitment to the five-paragraph essay. “It was all there,” said friend of the bride Dora Flanders. “A strong thesis, evidence to support it, and a conclusion that synthesized everything the author had been talking about.” Both Mr.

Man Raised Without TV No Less Terrible | Oct 06 2015

Commenting on his loose moral code and self-satisfied behavior, friends of local financial analyst Brett Radner, 24, a man who grew up without watching television, report that he is no less terrible than those who watched broadcast programming as a kid.

The New Batman Will Never Be As Good As The Old Batman Because The Old Batman Was My Dad | Oct 06 2015

Five men have portrayed the iconic superhero Batman over the franchise’s storied eight-film run, but none have more poignantly captured the spirit of the Caped Crusader than Michael Keaton. I realize that declaring Michael Keaton’s performance to be the best Batman is a somewhat controversial statement, but Michael Keaton is my dad and he is the best.

God Can't Fill Job-Sized Hole In Unemployed Man's Heart | Apr 24 2015

Sources report that despite having a close relationship with God, religion can’t fill the job-sized hole in area man Mark Adler’s heart. “I’ve turned to God in times of trouble, but worship alone can’t suffice to make me happy anymore,” Adler said, adding that he has not felt the same comfort he used to feel from going to church after he lost his job.

Sixth Grade Class Election Gives Middle Schoolers Early Taste of Shadow Dictatorship | Apr 24 2015

Noting that the powerlessness of whomever they elect maps perfectly onto real world politics, teachers and students at Pickerville Middle School told reporters that their sixth grade class election gave the middle schoolers an early taste of a real shadow dictatorship.

Penguin Classics Edition Of “Moby-Dick” Has 500 Introductions | Mar 06 2015

British publishing house Penguin Group has confirmed that the new Penguin Classics edition of “Moby-Dick” will have 500 introductions. In addition to introductions written by literary scholars, the new edition features forewords by a host of specialists including marine biologists, soup spoon collectors, and amateur patent lawyers who all lend their own unique take and expertise to the American classic.

“Just Like Flapjacks In Cabo” Voted Nation’s Most Inside Joke | Mar 06 2015

Narrowly beating out “widdle jackwabbit,” and “hot sauce fart death,” industry officials have announced that “Just Like Flapjacks in Cabo” was voted Nation’s Most Inside Joke. The selection was based on the obscure, unrelatable nature of the reference, as well as how frequently it is brought up in conversation to the exclusion of others.