“ARGHHHHHH help me stop the bleeding!!” said the man, whose internal organs are never going to recover from his poorly disguised ploy to initiate physical contact. “Please, call 911!”

“GGHLLHGHGHGHLLGG,” added the man, beginning to violently choke on his own blood in the hopes that you’d try mouth-to-mouth resuscitation on him, which would be so hot. “GGHLHLHGG!”

At press time, the man who pushed you out of the way of an oncoming train was definitely just trying to get a better look at your ass.