Man Who Skimmed NYT Article Last Week Just Thinks The Science Isn't Really There On COVID Spread Via Surfaces

Published Friday, September 25th, 2020
Filed under Off Campus

“My sense is the recent studies have found that people aren’t really getting coronavirus just from touching things,” Demings announced, vaguely recalling information he picked up from the first few sentences of a news article published last Tuesday. “Judging from what the experts have been saying, we probably don’t have to worry about things like wiping down our groceries or touching the gas pump.”

Demings reportedly offers frequent authoritative advice for COVID-safe behavior based on the wealth of epidemiological knowledge he’s gained over the course of the pandemic, primarily from headlines that pop up on his phone before he immediately swipes them away.

“It seems like the evidence lately is really pointing to a more aerosolized virus than we previously thought,” Demings reported, referring to an unsourced fact he once heard someone say in passing. “So we might not even be safe when we’re alone indoors, according to the science.”

At press time, Demings asserted his expectation that there’ll be a vaccine by the end of the year based on a very compelling tweet he saw.