“Never again will American men have to suffer the pain and indignity of an unexpected, sudden, non-premeditated castration,” said Senate co-sponsor Ron Wyden (D-OR). “Never again will American men have to live in fear of every circular buzz-saw, every car accident, every loose piece of electrical wiring.”

Added Wyden, his voice cracking multiple times, probably with emotion: “Never again.”

“This will not be easy,” said President Barack Obama, in his celebratory press conference yesterday evening. “I recognize this policy poses great challenges to the Social Security trust fund. But I think we can all agree, as Americans who have seen “Hostel II,” that it is a small price to pay to ensure that every castration is controlled, is clean and occurs under heavy sedation.” The president then turned and walked away, limping slightly.