Daniel's articles
Professor of Africana Studies and Time Sheriff <a href="http://thenoser.com/staff/Julius-Chronoton>Julius Chronoton</a> has finally been brought to justice, the authorities report. Stripped of his tenure and set to Temporal Prison for the rest of his life, the meddling scholar, activist, and chrononaut’s subversive mischief has, at last, come to an end.
Sources report that area 7-year-old Hector Einhorn has recently discovered the wonders of reading and imagination. With just a flip of the page, the young boy can leave his humdrum everyday life and explore a magical land where his ability to kill at will is limited only by the bounds of imagination.
Teaching is one of the single most important professions in the world. We expect our teachers to be the best in the world. And yet? Our teacher salaries are criminally low. I tell you, when I think of a teacher struggling to feed her family while some sword swallower pulls down tens of millions of dollars a year just for putting swords down his throat, it just makes me sick.
What in God’s name is going on!? Our radar is showing that you, the reader, have commandeered a helicopter and are flying it across the 44th parallel—headed directly for enemy lines! You know damn well that this entire operation depends on the element of surprise! If you do not immediately return to base the whole mission is scuppered beyond repair!
As he took the field at Baltimore’s Camden Yards, Toronto Blue Jays center fielder Colby Rasmus informed the teammates that he sure hoped the baseball wouldn’t just up and bonk him on the head.
In the wake of Russia’s illegal incursion into Crimea, the cops moved swiftly to bring to justice all involved. President Putin, Parliamentary leaders, and the entire higher command of the Russian Army were peacefully subdued and brought directly to prison.
Clad in a bathing suit, flippies and a tank top reading, “Keep Calm and Pool Party: Birthday Bash at the Mayor’s House,” Mayor Tad Buckles vowed at a press conference yesterday to get to the bottom of just who approved blowing the entire pension fund on snacks, brews and an impromptu performance by the mayor’s best friend’s band.
The nation descended into panic yesterday after Secretary of Homeland Security Jeh Johnson grimly announced that terrorists have developed their most frightening story yet.
“According to our intelligence, Al Qaeda in Yemen has finally developed a very very scary story,” said Johnson.
Don Pemberton ’14 confessed yesterday that he often imagines what it would be like to defend white people from racism as a black woman, thus demonstrating the good intentions of whites everywhere and convincing other black people to seriously re-examine their own lives.
Turn on your television and it’s like looking into the 1950s. And I’m not just referring to the specially modified televisions that Time Sheriffs used to monitor the various streams of space and time. No, I’m referring to a Republican Party intent on sending this country back to segregationist times, both through hateful, race-baiting rhetoric and the secret temporal vortex they have created under the Positron Caves.
Yet another groundbreaking neuroscience study revealed yesterday that political views can be directly predicted by genetics and it’s all just a big joke and neuroscience is the only thing that matters, at the end of the day.
“Liberal, conservative, Democrat, Republican: with neuroscience, we can show that this is all just determined by your brain, or ‘grey matter,’ so to speak,” said Professor of Neuroscience Lauren Duplass.
Following the revelation that Chompers the celebrity cow has contracted cow dementia, the nation has responded with an outpouring of support and awareness of the previously ignored cow disease.
“Before Chompers, victims of cow dementia in this society were basically invisible,” said veterinarian and cow specialist Holly Iverson.
As president, one of my important jobs is to listen. Every decision I make is informed by the voices of the student body. I know some have claimed that I’ve been actively ignoring student voices ever since I took office, but the truth is that I respect and value the opinion of every single student, with 6000 exceptions, give or take.
In a long-awaited announcement at last night’s Google I/O Conference, the search engine giant announced the development of Google.Com/Search, a one-stop search engine portal for users’ searching needs.
“Google.Com/Search allows users to search the Internet by entering a series of keywords,” said Head Systems Engineer Todd Lambert, who has led the development of Google.Com/Search.
Police at the local precinct are up in arms today, following the discovery of rookie cop Chad Peterson’s rulebook thrown casually—carelessly, even—into the trash.
“Look at this,” said Police Chief Robert Linehan, paging through the discarded rulebook.
Providence Police Officer Lance Hendricks yesterday told reporters he has become unable to connect with others in any way other than through searching them for contraband.
“It’s funny, really,” said Hendricks. “I know a lot of people really enjoy everyday interaction: conversation, social networking and the like.
The soon-to-be-determined World Series champion will next week face the Little League World Series champion to determine who is truly the Ultimate Baseball Champion.
“We really showed those kids from Saipan in the LLWS last week,” said Bulldogs coach Harvey Bigelow.
Legendary broadcaster and programming visionary John Madden worked well past midnight yesterday, feverishly hand-coding the players and game mechanics that would bring Madden NFL 25—“my masterpiece,” as Madden calls it—to life.
“Millions of Americans are relying on me to give them the gaming experience they deserve,” explained Madden.
Raul Dinkins ’17 reported that he is finding it difficult to concentrate on his studies in the week leading up to Halloween because he is just too spooked.
“Between the scary costumes, the scary stories, and the scary, scary Halloween parties, I’m quaking in my boots!” said Dinkins.
Secretary of Education Arne Duncan announced today that in an effort to boost academic excellence and close the achievement gap, standardized testing will now take the place of birthdays, recess and sleep. “In a globalized and increasingly competitive world, we must ensure that our children are getting the skills they need,” said Duncan, noting that now instead of birthdays, students would be able to help themselves to 15-minute breaks between tests.
Representative Steve King (R-Iowa) yesterday delivered a virulently anti-immigrant speech on the Senate floor, virtually guaranteeing that he will one day be forced to resettle in a predominantly Hispanic country in an ironic twist of fate revealing his own inhumanity.
The U.S. was left reeling yesterday as a string of five factory bombings destroyed the country’s entire capacity to design, manufacture and transport the pestles that are the nation’s lifeblood. Wholesale surrender to the terrorist group appears to be imminent.
At a last-minute press conference yesterday, Alex Rodriguez admitted for the first time publicly that he had continued to use steroids after 2009. Rodriguez also admitted that he had been manufacturing steroids and selling them to neighborhood Little Leaguers in order to make a quick buck.
No! No, surely…surely not. It can’t be. I’ve seen some really fucked up shit in my time. I’ve seen children made into orphans and horses ground to glue. But this? “Snap” went the camel’s back, say I, because this is beyond the pale.
My best friend? And my doctor!?
Unbelievable!!
Let me just make sure I understand the situation.
Dean of the College Katherine Bergeron yesterday continued to announce that she was resigning to assume the presidency of Connecticut College, entering the fourth week of a speech that is certainly in her top 10, in terms of length.
“I am reminded of a quote by a great philosopher,” said Bergeron.
People these days will believe anything. Slop a layer of gooey sentimentality over a corporate garbage turd and everyone thinks it’s a rich chocolate mousse. In fact, just yesterday my aunt was telling me that—get this—she thinks that climate change is an actual scientific theory, not a flimsy excuse for the latest line of suit-approved Hallmark bullshit.
Ryan Crowell ‘17 was gripped with panic yesterday, as he realized he could only maintain his fictional past as a Holocaust survivor for so long. “We were going in a circle, listing fun facts about ourselves,” explained Crowell. "The guy on my right said he grew up in Senegal. Shouldn’t have tried to top him. Stupid, stupid!" At press time, Crowell was Googling “Holocaust details” and writing his birthday on his forearm with black pen.
Residents of Franconia, N.H. have over the past two years been graced with the presence of young stud Tom Hanson, who is universally described as confident, poised and just as handsome as can be.
“Feast your eyes,” said town elder Hank Tapper as Hanson took an evening walk down Main Street, drawing the rapt attention of fathers, mothers, and children alike.
Damascus resident Ibrahim Fayyad announced that he was looking forward to the opportunity to be murdered not by sarin gas or white phosphorous, but by an ordinary, deadly American airstrike.
“Every day for two years I’ve lived in fear of being gassed by my government with chemical weapons, or brutally tortured by the rebels,” said Fayyad, noting that his neighborhood is just begging to be flattened by a Patriot missile filled with standard explosives.
Once again, returning students have found Thayer Street filled with incredibly irritating high school kids giggling because they drank alcohol and just straight up fucking each other right there, where other people need to walk. “These kids think they’re really hot shit, with their older siblings’ IDs and their parents’ cars and their graphic, public fuckfests,” said Ella Hobson ‘14.
R&B superstar Chris Brown yesterday awoke from his eight-year coma, reporting that he was eager to see what his body double had made of a promising musical career. “I can only imagine how my reputation as the troubadour of my generation has grown since [body double] Rod [Mungus] took over,” said Brown, finally recovered from a tragic zip-lining accident that left him temporarily paralyzed and mute.
Egypt yesterday devolved further into chaos as warring factions continued to battle for control over the ancient pyramids, or who gets to be the pharaoh, or something along those lines, probably.
“On the one side, we have the government, headed by a distant ancestor of Cleopatra, or maybe Ramses II,” explained national security expert Richard Tomkey.
The Undergraduate Council of Students issued a statement at yesterday’s meeting praising the performance of University President Christina Paxson, as she concluded her first year of being an authority figure with a title and an ongoing corporeal existence.
Captain Crunch yesterday suffered a crushing defeat at the hands of the North Korean navy, as his much-touted crunchiness completely failed to stem the enemy assault. “Mr. Crunch’s fleet, delicious as it may have been, was wholly unprepared for naval combat,” said a grim Admiral Dennis Hooper at a press conference late last night.
In a moving display of team spirit and friendship, the entire Barrington High School Eagles baseball team revealed to bald shortstop Todd Carpenter that they had infected themselves with various forms of incurable cancers.
“When we saw what was happening to you, Todd, we knew we had to step up,” explained chemo-wracked coach Bob Riggle.
Local amateur speller James Maccabee, defying years of linguistic consensus, yesterday managed to spell “fundamentals” without “fun.” “They said it couldn’t be done,” said a tearful Maccabee at a crowded press conference yesterday evening.
Up-and-coming prophet Ricky Sharpton has taken the country by storm with his radically hip prophecies, delighting his ardent followers and angering the more traditional and boring factions within the prophet community.
“How we all doing tonight?” Sharpton asked a cheering crowd of 40,000 devotees inside Madison Square Garden.
[b]POINT: Barack Obama’s Aggressive Neo-Imperialism Will Only Lead to More Bloodshed, by Noam Chomsky[/b]
In the wake of last week’s drone strike on the outskirts of Islamabad, more than 160 children are confirmed dead, casualties of Barack Obama’s commitment to violence and imperialism at home and abroad.
Folks, it’s been a while since I dropped some truth on you. Old Professor Julius Chronoton has been busy; between my students’ demands on my time and my regular duties as Time Sheriff, there just aren’t enough hours in the day. And I know all about hours in the day. I’m a time sheriff.
Tens of thousands of self-described “Manniacs” descended on the Raleigh Airport Hilton Thursday, as the seventh annual JuwannaCon kicked off, ready for a four-day series of conferences, cosplays and a rumored surprise appearance from “Juwanna Mann” star Miguel A.
On the grass in front of University Hall yesterday evening, a gathering of over 40 students commemorated the tragic death of over 40 different students a week prior, the result of smoke inhalation and candle-inflicted burns.
“One week ago, a brave group of students gathered to protest the deaths of 40 workers in a garment factory fire,” said the one remaining Student Labor Alliance member Gabrielle Rastin, whose face bore several bruises from the bleacher collapse at the previous day’s anti-Adidas demonstration.
In an exclusive interview leaked from a higher plane of reality with propagandists Ron Partridge and Susan Mack, the entire space-time continuum native to our universe was revealed to be an elaborate anti-Semitic propagandistic miniseries, produced by the extremely racist government of the United Parallel States of America.
Uh oh, you reported, Mom’s friend is here and it looks like she’s going in for one of those Mom’s Friend hugs. Oh man.
“It’s so great to see you, Derrick,” said Mom’s friend Janice Jacoby, as you arched your back to minimize body contact with the 52-year-old homemaker.
Imagine a world where the study of black history was not the exception, but the norm. A world where we study black history not only 28 days of the year, but every single day for all eternity, over and over and over. I don’t even have to imagine such a world because I’ve been living in it ever since the time bandit Count Magromoth trapped me here 300 cycles ago.
Everyone drop everything! Drop everything right now. It’s finally happened. Clean out your desks, people. Update your resumes. We’ve had a good run, but it’s over. The NRA is headed for the history books.
The president of the University is initiating a campuswide discussion on the response to the Newtown shootings.
First Lady Michelle Obama’s new bangs sparked widespread discussion yesterday among the media and general public, mainly because they initiated an illegal drone strike that resulted in the death of a small Yemeni boy. “Michelle’s bangs need to go,” said CNN commentator Lacey Morse.
In what has become an annual tradition reflecting the increasingly competitive Passover holiday, Jewish dads across the nation have begun erecting gaudy displays for the slavery-themed celebration. Popular decorations include animatronic models of the Prophet Elijah and gallons and gallons of lamb’s blood.
As the deadline for a continuing resolution to fund the federal government passed, House Republicans announced that nonessential federal operations would cease until every American was fully caught up with the hit CBS sitcom “2 Broke Girls.”
“‘2 Broke Girls’ is a really good show,” said Speaker John Boehner.
Earlier today at Benefit Street eatery Geoff’s Sandwiches, Barry Abelman ’14 ordered a pastrami sandwich with mustard on wheat. He soon realized that the sandwich was both delicious and the pinnacle of his entire existence.
“This is a really good sandwich,” said Abelman, whose existence offers nothing more appealing than a stack of meat and bread.
With the breakdown of talks late yesterday evening, Algeria and Morocco appear to be on course for a full-scale armed conflict—if it could even be called that, given the sad, pathetic nature of the crisis.
“I have a friend in Pakistan,” said Moroccan Prime Minister Abedlilah Benkirane.
The Republic of Georgia rang with satisfied chuckles yesterday as subsistence farmer Tomas Havlicek, in an act of karmic retribution of some kind, lost of his possessions in a big fire.
“Oh, how the mighty have fallen,” said Havlicek’s neighbor Boris Pulaski.
Last October, North Korean dissident Lee Hyun-Bak was granted amnesty and resettled in Connecticut by the federal government. The goodwill toward Lee has quickly evaporated, however, as Lee will simply not shut up about his “totally nuts” summer at prison camp.
Doctors announced yesterday that your Grandpa Pat would still be alive and looking after you if you had been a brilliant young biologist and cured the disease that destroyed his life.
Newly inaugurated President Christina Paxson spoke for an hour Saturday, formally accepting the presidency and laying out a forceful case for the illegal trade of human beings as a major component of the University’s future.
“I am so honored to be here today,” said Paxson.
As part of a last-ditch effort to shore up his standing in swing states, Mitt Romney has brought out a surprise weapon: cantaloupes, inside his nose, in front of audiences.
In the nation’s latest election-year drama, President Obama’s new llama suggested we bomb a collegian Peloponnesian region to increase our prestige in the region. This suggestion was met with skepticism by voters, who widely believed that the llama suggested this only for the sake of the rhyme.
Yesterday, President Obama announced a set of sweeping fictional measures targeting a runaway financial industry. In a press conference televised in the imaginations of millions of affluent liberals, the President laid out a forceful defense of strong checks on corrupt banking practices.
Wall Street continued its downward trend in the final quarter of 2012, with the Dow Jones plunging 150 points. Economists attributed the drop to skepticism toward the Federal Government’s program of quantitative easing, the massive eyeball-swallowing craze that swept the nation yesterday evening around 6:00 p.m., and Europe’s continued economic troubles.
Angels first baseman Albert Pujols is widely expected to miss the rest of the season, due to the total failure of all his major organs. Team sources speculated that the thirty-two-year-old veteran’s injury could be chalked up to overexertion, or possibly to a bus crashing into an apartment building while he was on it.
“Good gosh! Good golly! It’s Diesel Dolly!” is only one of the many chants America’s children have developed to greet the nation’s most popular locomotive. Whether chugging through town to celebrate a young man’s birthday or taking a lengthy diversion to help an injured animal, Diesel Dolly and her highly perishable cargo can be found almost anywhere outside of her scheduled destination.
Continuing his recent string of embarrassing gaffes, presidential candidate Mitt Romney, during an address on economic policy in Michigan last weekend, was a horse.
“Voters look for certain things in a president,” said political consultant Rick Nickerson.
As Albert Duncan ‘16 finished the wiring on his portable butter churn, Ian Fletcher ’16 began to suspect that something was not quite right with his roommate. "I soon came to realize that Albert’s not like the rest of us," said Duncan. “While your average freshman cares about sports and girls and popular science fiction television shows, Al’s got eyes for only one thing: butter.
Over the past month, citizens of Providence have faced a resurgent threat from organized crime. While mob activity has resulted in millions of dollars in property damage and several deaths, it does have one thing in its favor: how cute the mobsters get when they’re indignant.
According to reports from multiple acquaintances, your roommate Craig and the only woman you will ever truly care about are totally going to town on each other.
“Check out Craig and Veronica!” exclaimed your friend Roger as he elbowed you and pointed to your chance at a happy life slipping away.
On night 23 of a prank that has captured the imagination of the campus, some four dozen of Ronald Braverman ’14’s closest friends, acquaintances and admirers crowded outside his first-floor Grad Center single, settling in for another eight-hour pranking.
Doug, you’ve done something very, very foolish with your meddling. I hope you’ve got your traveler’s insurance handy and your luggage tags are up to date because you’ve booked yourself a one-way ticket to Pain City. Now I’m not one to criticize a man’s itinerary.
The preparations began in earnest last Thursday as U-Hauls trucked in exclusively female buffalo imported from the Dakotas. Children were ceremonially evacuated from the area, then ceremonially brought back into the area and then evacuated again in an evacuation that may not even have been ceremonial.
Simon Bradford ’15 yesterday expressed his massive disappointment in the Brown custodial corps, which he claims has “completely failed” to act as a source of charmingly ethnic mentors.
“Where are the world-weary journeymen with hearts of gold?” asked Bradford, in his formal complaint yesterday to the Department of Facilities Management.
Yesterday, Latvian Prime Minister Valdis Dombrovskis once again failed to complete his annual address to Parliament without giggling. His speech, dealing with Latvia’s supposedly rich heritage and allegedly admirable people, is already being hailed across Latvia as one of the greatest pieces of satire ever written.
A year after the passage of H.R. 676, the Mandatory Castration Act of 2011, the accidental castration rate has fallen to zero, in what many are hailing as the greatest policy triumph of the past decade.
“Never again will American men have to suffer the pain and indignity of an unexpected, sudden, non-premeditated castration,” said Senate co-sponsor Ron Wyden (D-OR).
Jews rejoiced across campus yesterday after it took a full week longer than generally expected for all their stuff to burn down.
“It seems like only yesterday that neo-Nazis broke in, murdered six freshmen and lit multiple fires throughout our synagogue,” said Rabbi Benjamin Levi as the last embers of the multimillion-dollar building smoldered behind him.
In an unexpected and highly confusing coup, heavily-armed Methodists descended on every steel mill in the United States yesterday.
“Ha ha!” said Methodist Church High President Jacques LeFarge as he stood triumphantly outside the Detroit American Steel plant, flanked by Janet Smith, Methodist Vice President in Charge of Metals.
Man oh man, I’ve really gone and done it now. I screwed the pooch big time on this one! But I didn’t actually screw the pooch; I ate it!
And the pooch was my roommates!!
This is the kind of thing you always read about happening to other people, you know? It’s always some other guy who becomes so very hungry, and whose nearest convenience store is so very many minutes away, that he is driven to permanently alienate his roommates by killing them and then eating their bodies.
All right, kids. I’m here today to dispel some common myths regarding switchblade disposal. Now I don’t want to name names, but I’ve been hearing that a few troublemakers are getting rid of their switchblades in all the wrong places. Municipal dumps.
David Cuddy ’15 narrowly avoided complete social catastrophe yesterday evening when his explanation of an ill-received pun redeemed him in the eyes of his peers.
According to Cuddy’s friend, then enemy, then friend again Walter Lang, the incident began at roughly 6 p.m.
These are frightening times for the American people. The Middle East is in turmoil. Editorial columnists hold entire restaurants at gunpoint over arcane fiscal concerns. Traditional tools of monetary policy are utterly failing to — excuse me, if everyone could please stop screaming and cowering under tables for just a minute, I’m talking here.
“They said a man with no arms couldn’t play quarterback,” said Brown quarterback Ronald Hudson ’12 defiantly after yesterday’s 46-3 loss to Cornell, which leaves the team with an 0-8 record.
“The media, the fans, the doctors — they all said that you couldn’t throw a football without arms,” said Hudson.
I look at these innocent, fortunate nobodies. Look at them! Freshmen without a care in the world, save their clothes and their hormones and their desire to impress descendants of famous people. Free to blissfully live their own lives, free from the fear that at any moment they might be accosted by some fame-seeking urchin, squealing “Regis! Regis! Sing for us a selection from your great-grandfather’s oeuvre, like the classics ‘Stardust’ and ‘The Nearness of You’, which number among the most-recorded songs in American history!”
The mood was upbeat across campus yesterday, thanks to the overwhelmingly alive, dumpster-free condition of Brown sophomores. The 99.97 percent non-dumpster survival rate put the university within 0.03 percent of matching an all-time high.
Department of Public Safety officials, who found bits of Steve Davison ’14 protruding from a dumpster yesterday morning, hailed the news of another successful day.
A report from "The Ground," as reporters call it, In an earth-shaking story that is absolutely worthy of an article in an esteemed campus newspaper, Benjamin McGann '13 has big plans for the Undergraduate Council of Students. "Oh, sure," said McGann, accosted by a reporter who had dozens of other awesome stories he could have written.
In the first days of 2011, while many young Americans were busy consuming alcohol and tweeting rap music on their Playstations, one group was taking action. On January 5th, with a stroke of a hammer, Lisa Stevens '09 put the finishing touch on a small hospital shelter.
On December 2nd, an otherwise dull and ordinary day was brought to life by the introduction of deadly bacteria into a densely populated urban area, causing citywide panic, at least half a dozen deaths, and, according to the overwhelming consensus of students, faculty, and staff, "laughs a'plenty."
To most, Sebastian Doyle '14 is just an average freshman, with an average work ethic, an average number of alleged friends and a slightly above-average number of subscriptions to magazines dealing with high-caliber weaponry.
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