“As he explores the possibilities of the metaverse, Mark has really enjoyed creating a version of himself much closer to an average adult,” said Meta spokesperson Jill Reed, watching a screen on which Zuckerberg’s avatar was getting a beer with an old friend from college and chatting amiably with the bartender. “He had me clear his schedule so he could strap on his VR headset and complete what he called an ‘adult human bucketlist.’ So far, he’s gone fishing, sipped a mug of coffee at a diner, and smiled at an old woman sitting on a park bench.”

“Sometimes he has trouble getting all the motions right,” Reed continued, as Zuckerberg’s digital clone examined a frisbee and started banging it against the ground. “At first it was kind of cute as he went around the metaverse telling people how much he loves his family, but then it got unsettling when he just sat down and stared at a lamp for an hour.”

At press time, Zuckerberg was getting excited about creating a world in which federal antitrust laws don’t exist.