“It came out of nowhere,” reports daughter Jessica Shaw, barely able to suppress a shudder. “One second she was telling me not to take drinks from strangers and the next second she was telling me about the time she went to Beta Theta Pi’s Fire and Ice Party, did seven shots, danced naked with the whole golf team, took ‘shrooms’ with Noah Finnegan, and woke up in bed with her Environmental Literacy professor. I can’t believe Mom would ever do that.”

The elder Shaw was reportedly disclosing her historical drug abuse with an enthusiasm inappropriate for her post as a homemaker interested in casserole-based cooking, re-organizing closets, and preventing her children from going outside, ever, especially to parties with boys present. Barely sticking to the script by inserting a halfhearted “but don’t do that” at the end of every unendurable recollection of her own drug abuse, promiscuity, and self-reported batshit craziness, Shaw proceeded to traumatize her daughter for what witnesses claim was a full nine minutes.

“I got wasted before senior prom last year, and let’s just say that night is lost to time. Don’t drink out of open containers,” Shaw finally remarked, concluding a near-intolerable description of the sexually explicit tattoo she received in a location she chose to disclose only with a girlish giggle. “I’m only telling you this because I love you and I want you to be safe.”

At press time, Jessica Shaw announced that she has scrapped her plans to go out after all, deciding to stay in and play Scrabble instead.