Stites recently injected millions of dollars into the economy by funding a plan to knock down low-income housing and construct luxury condominiums. Harvard economist Andrei Shleifer noted, “Not only did Stites generate profits for himself and other investors by insisting that the construction be done with as few workers as possible, he also put money in the pockets of politicians who initially opposed the project.”

“In just the past year alone Stites has invested in two casinos that have created jobs, stimulated the economy, and caused an increase in gambling addiction, alcoholism, and child neglect in the area,” said Shleifer.

By investing in several energy companies that destroy natural resources and exploit foreign laborers, Stites has spread his wealth to numerous immoral men like himself, whose attempts to buy their way out of regulation for years to come will contribute significantly to the GDP.

At press time, Stites had started another business venture, in which he employs unskilled American workers who have hardly helped the economy at all lately, but are probably nice people for the most part.