Though Jason Pendleton ’14 has been looking for summer internships and jobs for the past several months, he has been unable to find exactly what he is looking for. “I’ve been really disappointed by the lack of opportunities I’ve found,” said Pendleton.
A group of nine spunky third-graders who formed a club called “Stop Global Poverty” a few months ago announced on Tuesday that they had successfully ended all the suffering, hunger and disease caused by global poverty.
Through a series of bake sales, glittery posters and impassioned lunchtime announcements at their elementary school, the group was able to do what world leaders and activists have been trying to do for generations.
Director’s Guild Award winner Daniel Moyer announced in his acceptance speech on Sunday that he owes all his success to his family and the tiny monster that lives in his pocket and tells him what to do.
“All day every day, I’ve got them to turn to: my wonderful wife, my daughter Katie, my son Caleb, and the monster who gives me advice from his home in my shirt pocket,” said Moyer.
2004 World Series of Poker champion Greg Raymer, who is 50 pounds overweight and sports a wispy mustache, is obviously among six people facing charges after police conducted an undercover prostitution sting. Raymer’s arrest and, let’s be honest, probable conviction, surprised none of Raymer’s family, friends, or fans.
People Magazine reporter Cassie Robles announced yesterday that, after conducting extensive research and talking with several experts on the topic, she knows exactly what’s hot this spring.
People reader Annie Rice was happy and relieved to hear the news.
Area father Bill Dimundo is really hoping his 13-year-old daughter Alana Dimundo will decline his offer to “talk about it.” Dimundo, who made the offer out of a sense of fatherly duty, when Alana said she was upset about “all the drama at school today,” then admitted that he was ill prepared to give his daughter any advice.
After trying everything, the citizens of the U.S. figure they might as well give that thing where they poke you with a bunch of needles a try. “You never know,” said the American people. “It could be fun.”
The nation, already numb after a year of violence at home and abroad, and economic and political stagnation, is not really nervous about letting someone put thousands of needles all over its skin, saying, “My friend Judy did it and she says it really helped with her allergies.
All the hardworking moms watching Clarissa Haines’s appearance on “The Rhode Show,” a local morning talk show, have been trying desperately not to relate to Haines’s shout-outs to all the hardworking moms out there.
Haines, who recently self-published a book titled, “Having It All: A Successful, Sassy Mother Speaks Out,” encouraged all the moms out there to laugh at life’s little surprises and thank the universe every day for their children.
Modern Culture and Media concentrator Harold Acker ’13 is just ending random syllables with “-ism” now, sources report. Acker, who has been talking about the gender roles in 1970s Asian films for the past 20 minutes, has been gradually moving away from using real words since he began talking.
The National Football League announced yesterday that, starting next season, all regulation footballs would be replaced by the actual hopes and dreams of the football players.
The players, whose hopes and dreams have been only symbolically at play until now, have had mixed responses to the change.
After a month-long investigation, Providence Police Department officials revealed findings that Spectrum India, a Thayer Street store known for its eclectic merchandise, is actually a front designed to allow a nice old Indian man to be really nice.
Alex Mahoney ’14.5 realized while hot gluing human skulls together into the shape of the sacred antelope Yazlow on Sunday night that he might be in a cult.
“I don’t want to make any inflammatory claims,” said Mahoney as he secured the antelope’s eyes, which were also made of skulls.
Andrew Byron ’16 expressed uncertainty yesterday about the whereabouts of the tight-knit and diverse group of friends he was led to believe was an essential part of the Brown experience. Byron, who has spent the first semester of his freshman year waiting for friends to show up just like the ones in the brochure he received during his senior year of high school, says he thought surely he would be sitting on the Main Green flanked by a smiling black girl and East Asian guy by now.
Former Warwick Veterans Memorial High School baseball star Joey Connor wants to know if you found everything okay today. Connor would be happy to help you find whatever you’re looking for, be it a ribbed tank top or a great pair of jeans. Sure, Connor used to be the biggest thing ever to come out of Warwick, R.I., but now he is completely devoted to your satisfaction as a valued customer.
Ethan Feldman ’16 says he has been commanding a lot more attention, now that he has been working on his public speaking. “I used to be really shy and had trouble getting people’s attention,” said Feldman. “But ever since I started using clear methods of communication and just kind of waving this gun around at random, people really listen to what I have to say.”
Providence resident David Manville recently came across a dirty pigeon feather on Thayer Street and, mistaking it for the “sign, any sign” he had been looking for, pocketed the feather for safekeeping.
Manville, a self-professed shell of the man he once was, had resolved to “just let the universe” be the guiding force in his life only a few minutes earlier.
Let me give you a little unsolicited advice. A true gentleman never spies on a girl in the shower and then goes blabbing about it to all his friends. Being a gentleman is all about respect. So come on, have some respect.
I know you’re new to this.
Area man Terry Lepore, 39, recently came to the unsettling realization that space rocks stop being cool pretty much as soon as they stop being in space. Lepore contacted authorities on Friday night regarding the towering heap of smoldering space rocks currently blocking his driveway.
The children of sub-Saharan Africa were happy to hear that you saved the rest of that chicken salad sandwich, even though you could have easily thrown it away because you have access to an almost overwhelming supply of nutritious food and a convenient waste disposal system.
The citizens of the world announced yesterday that, after considering the state of politics and general human behavior, they would be placing all hope for the future of humanity in a newborn anteater at the Providence Zoo. Humankind came to this decision yesterday, after a year-long search for something pure to believe in.
On Monday, University mathematician Dwight Clappard announced his discovery that ovals can simply be defined as shitty circles. This announcement sent shock waves through the mathematical community and put Clappard, who was previously best known for his spot-on impression of Euclid, into the spotlight.
After several days of talks with University administration and staff, Brown Fire Safety Officer Sheryl Walsh announced that she was willing to give the Brown Candle Club one more chance at not setting a building on fire during one of its functions before forcing them to discontinue activities.