Wednesday, November 22, 2017
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The Brown Noser

Louisa Kellogg

Editor-in-Chief (Retired)

Louisa's articles

Ailing Grandmother Sets Up Camp In Corner Of Family Party | Dec 05 2014

Saying that she is perfectly content to just enjoy the party from her favorite chair, 87-year-old grandmother Helen Gellman reportedly set up camp in the corner of a family party at her daughter’s home on Sunday. “I’m just fine right here, I like to watch you all having a good time,” said Gellman, who had a hip replacement in August and has reportedly remained seated for the entirety of the party with a blanket draped over her knees and a small plate of snacks, petting the cat whenever it walked by the chair she had settled into.

Cancer Survivor Inspires Others To Have Large Savings, Good Support Network | Dec 05 2014

Breast cancer survivor Tara Garber has reportedly inspired hundreds of people with her story of beating breast cancer with expensive medical treatments and the loving support of her friends and family. “Tara’s journey really touched me,” said Melanie Tuttle, who learned about Garber’s struggle through a piece Garber’s sister wrote in the local newspaper.

Every Recipe In Cookbook Starts With Description Of Beautiful Woman Chef Served Dish To | Dec 05 2014

After the release of Massimo Vivanti’s newest cookbook, “1,000 Tastes Of Tuscany,” sources are reporting that every single recipe in the book begins with a description of a gorgeous woman Vivanti wined and dined. “This gnocchi can only be described as sumptuous, just like the bella Camilla who ate this pasta the very first time I made it, covered in butter and sage, the perfect flavors for the perfect red lips,” Vivanti wrote in his recipe for “Gnocchi with Sweet Browned Butter.” “This gnocchi is heavenly, and the experience of eating it with Camilla, her caramel hair cascading down her shoulders and her laugh filling the sweet night air, is as close as one can get to the ambrosia of the gods.” Critics noted that Vivanti’s second cookbook provides readers with authentic Italian recipes expertly described and also, for some reason, numerous descriptions of the way a voluptuous woman looks when she’s eating pasta.

Pen Testing Pad A Grotesque Example Of Man's Animal Nature | Dec 05 2014

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Whole Town Pitches In To Make Black Family Feel On Edge | Dec 05 2014

Banding together to make their discomfort with their new neighbors clear, the entire town of Chester, Connecticut pitched in on Wednesday to make the Clermonts, a black family that recently moved to town, feel on edge.

I Messed Up, And I Have No One To Blame But My Parents, My Friends, And My Girlfriend | Dec 05 2014

I want to come clean about something: I messed up big time, and I have no one to blame but my parents, my friends, and my girlfriend. Look, I’ve made some bad decisions. I know I haven’t been at my best lately, and that is 100% on the people I’m close to. I need to move forward now. What can I do but recognize that everyone except me is to blame for my problems and try to move on?

God Can’t Remember Why He Made Area Man | Dec 05 2014

The Lord Our Father recently admitted that he couldn’t, for the life of him, remember why he made local man Lucas Wilkins. “I definitely made him in my image and gave him a purpose, as I do all humans,” said God of Wilkins, who works at a gym and spends his weekends drumming in a band.

Obama Keeps Having Dream Where He Pardons Himself | Dec 05 2014

After several nights of waking up disoriented and groggy, President Barack Obama told White House staffers on Friday that he keeps having a dream in which he pardons himself. “I walk up to the podium and I tell myself that I didn’t do anything wrong, and that I deserve to live a normal, happy life free from allegations of ruining the economy and turning the United States into a socialist nation,” said Obama about the recurring dream in which he grants himself clemency for his mismanagement of the launch of HealthCare.gov, lack of progress on immigration reform, and general failure to live up to the expectations of the American people.

Open-Minded 35-Year-Old Would Date Attractive 22-Year-Old Of Any Race | Dec 05 2014

Emphasizing that he doesn’t even pay much attention to race, local man Benjamin Douglas admitted that he’s open to dating any 22-year-old, regardless of ethnicity. “I don’t have any prejudices when it comes to attractive 22-year-olds,” said 35-year-old Douglas, who mentioned that he loves to learn about different cultures from the exclusively beautiful young women he dates.

Emails From Aunt A Bizarre Foray Into Various Font Sizes And Colors | Dec 03 2014

Sources are reporting that emails from Aunt Sheila are always an unpredictable journey through a wide array of font sizes and colors, and often include novel layouts and images. “Sometimes random words will be highlighted, or she’ll put a hyperlink on a whole paragraph.

Kid Doing His Best To Be Emo At Family’s Pumpkin Picking Outing | Dec 03 2014

Sources at Four Town Farm in Seekonk, Mass. are reporting that local 12-year-old Alex Lenart is making his best effort to be emo during his family’s pumpkin picking outing. According to sources Lenart muttered, “Whatever. All these pumpkins are dead.

Nation Puzzled By Happy Man | Dec 03 2014

Noting that he’s had the same job since he was 23 and doesn’t seem all that special or interesting, Americans everywhere admitted they were completely puzzled by self-proclaimed “happy man” Aaron Colb. “He doesn’t make that much money.

Obama Encourages Nation’s Youth To Follow Around An Old Man Until He Makes Them His Apprentice | Dec 03 2014

Saying that it was their best opportunity of securing employment in today’s difficult economy, President Obama advised young Americans to just follow around an old man until he made them his apprentice while speaking to a group of Virgina high school students on Tuesday.

Presiding Kid Who Gets A Lot Of Nosebleeds Called In To Consult When Other Kid Gets Nosebleed | Dec 03 2014

After local third grader Benny Nelson got a nosebleed during recess, bystanders quickly called over the resident kid who gets nosebleeds a lot, Jeffrey Sutter. “When another kid gets a nosebleed, people usually think of me because I get a nosebleed like once a week, so I know what you’re supposed to do,” said Sutter, who recommended that Nelson put tissues up his nose, but not all the way up, and get Ms.

Scientists Warn Americans To Stay Away From That Bird | Dec 03 2014

Pointing out that it seems to be limping and it’s kind of wet, scientists monitoring the situation warned Americans to stay away from that bird over there. “That bird seems sick. Why is it twitching like that? That seems like a pretty clear warning sign,” said Dr.

Teen In Movie Dies From Disease Where You Still Look Really Hot The Whole Time | Dec 03 2014

After reconnecting with her dad and falling in love for the first time, movie character Amber Lane began suffering from a disease that, despite being fatal, allowed her to look really hot the whole time.

You’re The Love Of This Part Of My Life | Dec 03 2014

Baby, you’re so amazing. When I’m with you, everything just seems easy. You’re sweet, hilarious, and gorgeous. Those are all attributes that make you perfect for me right now, but it’s hard to say what I’ll want in five or ten years. I know it’s a little cheesy, but I honestly feel like you’re the love of this part of my life.

Missouri Police Department Now Second Most Powerful Military In World | Sep 05 2014

Experts have confirmed that the Missouri Police Department has replaced Russia as the world’s second-most powerful military force behind the United States. The state’s law enforcement division boasts a cadre of policemen and women who are trained with assault rifles, grenade launchers and armored vehicles.

All Of Newly Single Woman’s Actions Symbolic | Sep 05 2014

Sources who have witnessed local woman Deanna Stahl confidently closing doors behind her and painting her nails red have confirmed that all of Stahl’s actions since ending her relationship with former boyfriend David Charney have been symbolic. Stahl’s every action—from putting on a shirt that Charney never liked that much, to buying a new blender—symbolize Stahl’s newfound independence and relationship status.

Nation Watches Nervously As Obama Stands On Swivel Chair To Get Book On Top Shelf | Sep 05 2014

The American people collectively held their breath and looked on nervously as President Barack Obama stood on a swivel desk chair in order to reach the top shelf of his Oval Office book shelf on Monday. Citizens across party lines admitted that they were very concerned when Obama rolled his desk chair over to the shelf and shakily stepped onto it.

New Meryl Streep Movie Probably Going To Pass The Fuck Out Of The Bechdel Test | Sep 05 2014

Movie critics and Meryl Streep fans alike are confident that Streep’s upcoming film ‘Suffragette’ is going to absolutely slay the Bechdel test, a measure of whether a film includes two women talking to each other about something other than a man.

FDA Approves Drug For People Who Just Like Having A Little Routine In The Morning | Sep 05 2014

The Food and Drug Administration recently approved a pill to help people who just like to have a little routine when they get up in the morning. The pill is being marketed under the name Routiplen and will be available over the counter for consumers who suffer from not having a thing they do every day when they wake up.

Report: 93% Of Americans Would Buy Something Called A ‘Cheesy Crispini,’ No Questions Asked | Sep 05 2014

A report put out by the Journal of Consumer Research concluded that a majority of Americans would buy something called a ‘Cheesy Crispini’ on the spot and without knowing anything else about the product. Authors of the report noted that most of the study’s participants immediately pulled out their wallet upon hearing the phrase ‘cheesy crispini,’ while 48% of consumers had made up their mind after the word ‘cheesy’ was uttered.

BREAKING: This Team Needs You | Sep 05 2014

According to breaking reports, it’s been a tough season and I know we’ve had our differences, but there’s no way we can win this game without you on the team. All reports indicate that those other guys are pretty big, but they don’t have our secret weapon—they don’t have you.

Mop Waiting For Day It’ll Be Brought Out And Danced With Like A Girl | Apr 25 2014

Sources inside the Riggs family’s bathroom closet confirm that the Riggs’ mop is waiting patiently for the day it will be brought out of the closet and danced with like a girl as part of someone’s delusion about dancing with a real girl. “My day-to-day is a lot of getting dunked in water and sliding around on the floor,” said the mop, which had yet to fulfill its ultimate fantasy of becoming a part of a lovelorn man’s fantasy and getting to dance around the living room when no one else is home.

Guy With Skateboard Leaves Former Fellow Bus Riders In The Dust | Apr 25 2014

Hopping off RIPTA bus 42 and smoothly transitioning to his long board, witnesses confirm that local commuter Sean Mendoza left his fellow former bus riders far behind. “He seemed just like the rest of us on the bus,” said RIPTA rider Jackie Shea, who watched Mendoza kick off and speed down Thayer Street before fading into the distance.

Report: Some People Already Went To The Gym Today | Apr 25 2014

According to a report put out by the Journal of Exercise Science and Fitness, a portion of the population has already put on workout clothes, performed a series of strenuous exercises, showered, and gotten on with their day today.

World Wildlife Fund Hasn’t Had Really Good Endangered Animal Since 1973 Gray Wolf | Apr 25 2014

Sources who have closely followed the World Wildlife Fund’s endangered species list are reporting that the WWF has failed to put out a truly great endangered animal since the 1973 gray wolf. “It’s all been downhill since the ’73 wolf,” said WWF enthusiast Vince Estes.

5-Year-Old Hasn’t Been Drawing Dad In Family Pictures Lately | Mar 07 2014

Sources within the Winger household confirm that 5-year-old Patrick Winger has not been drawing his father in family pictures recently. Though Patrick’s family pictures during his preschool years consistently featured Patrick’s mother, older brother and father, the presence of a tall figure wearing a tie has steadily declined in Patrick’s drawings since June.

Morally Deficient Man Good For The Economy | Mar 07 2014

According to economists at Harvard, Jonathan Stites, who earns millions of dollars per year by investing in businesses and ventures that take advantage of society’s poorest and most disenfranchised, has helped to simulate the economy by generating massive revenue for multiple businesses and corporations.

Ad Proves New Jeans Look Good On Even Most Conventionally Attractive Women | Mar 07 2014

Advertisements put out by Gap, Inc. this week proved to consumers everywhere that even women with conventionally beautiful faces and modelesque bone structure can find jeans that make them look good.

Guy From Canada Knows Who Else From Canada | Mar 07 2014

Friends and acquaintances of Daniel Gammon ‘17 confirm that the first-year from Toronto definitely knows who else is from Canada, especially public figures who everyone thinks are American. “James Cameron is actually from Canada,” said Gammon, who apparently possesses a comprehensive knowledge of every notable person who is Canadian.

Report: You Could Be On A Roller Coaster Right Now If You Wanted To | Mar 07 2014

A report released by researchers at Boston University found that, if you really wanted to, you could be on a roller coaster right now instead of reading this newspaper. According to the research, which looked closely at your options at any given time, there’s currently nothing stopping you from driving to the nearest amusement park or county fair and getting on a really fun roller coaster.

Study: 95 Percent Of Sons Need A Haircut | Mar 07 2014

A new study put out by the nation’s fussing mothers found that 95 percent of American sons badly need a haircut. American mothers are distressed by the nation’s high rate of shaggy hair, but researchers say that they aren’t surprised by the findings, citing American sons’ unmade beds, sagging pants and stained shirts.

Toyota Executives Unveil Car With Loudest Vroom Capacity Yet | Mar 07 2014

Executives at Toyota Motor Corporation announced in a press conference yesterday that the new Toyota Blare has a vroom capacity of 93, the highest in Toyota’s fleet. “By increasing the motor’s vroom chamber and adding our new vroom amplifiers we were able to create a car that can go vroom louder than any other car on the market today,” said Toyota chairman Takeshi Uchiyamada.

Domino’s Technicians Now Able To Go From 0 To Pizza In 60 Seconds by Louisa Kellogg | Dec 06 2013

Domino’s Pizza technicians announced at a press conference at the Domino’s Test Lab yesterday that they were now able to go from 0 to pizza in just 60 seconds, a speed that pizza specialists are saying could completely change the way we think of pizza.

BREAKING: Grandmother So Small Now | Dec 06 2013

According to breaking reports, local grandmother Martha Neilson is now so much smaller than she was the last time her grandkids saw her. “She opened the door, and I couldn’t believe how tiny she’d gotten,” said granddaughter Ellen Casey. Casey’s updates from her grandmother’s Gloucester, Mass., home indicate that Neilson is significantly shorter and more hunched over than she was last time Casey visited a year ago.

Grandkids Visit Future Assets For The Holidays | Dec 06 2013

20-year-old Allison Wilder and 22-year-old Natalie Wilder told sources that they were planning on traveling to Florida for the holidays in order to spend some time with their future possessions. “It’s not always that much fun, but it’s important that we don’t neglect them,” Allison said referring to the property and possessions she will likely inherit from her ailing grandparents.

New Marketing Campaign Aims To Appeal To Young Men By Alienating Everyone Else | Dec 06 2013

A new advertising campaign from Billings Marketing Agency, set to launch next week, aims to appeal to young men my making everyone else feel alienated and uncomfortable. The campaign, which targets young men by using images and language that leave all other demographics completely confused and possibly offended, will launch across a variety of platforms over the next month.

Young Journalist Aspires To One Day Have The First Two Sentences Of Her Articles Skimmed By Millions | Dec 06 2013

Budding journalist Anna Bremer admits that she still has a long way to go, but hopes that one day millions of people will click on, skim, and misunderstand the articles she writes. “I’ve been working really hard,” Bremer commented. “If I want to achieve my goals, it’s important that I become a good writer so that when people glance through my articles on their smart phones while they’re in a meeting, they’ll get all the facts.” Sources reported that, despite the harsh competition aspiring journalists face, Bremer has not given up her dream of influencing the uninformed arguments of people who look through her articles for statements with which they agree.

Study Finds That If You Just Look For The Pattern You Can Figure Out The System | Dec 06 2013

A new study released by the Pew Research Center found that if you look hard enough for the pattern you can figure out the system. The study found that there most definitely is a system behind everything, and all you have to do is crack the code. Lead researcher Carrie Nistor told reporters that there is a clear pattern and once you find it everything will finally make sense.

Club President’s Email Sign-Off Clearly Meant To Alienate Members Who Did Not Attend Last Meeting | Oct 27 2013

Members of the Brown Scrabble Club confirmed that club president Meghan Kerns ’15 was making a clear jab at members of the group who had missed Wednesday’s meeting in her email sign-off. Kerns’s sign-off, which referenced an inside joke that must have been created at the meeting, was completely incomprehensible to students who were not there to witness its inception.

Gleeful Children Run Outside At Sound Of Gourmet Grilled Cheese Truck | Oct 27 2013

Children on the East Side of Providence were delighted on Friday when they heard the familiar sound of the gourmet grilled cheese truck coming down the street. “I caught a whiff of truffle oil, and I knew it was the grilled cheese truck,” said local fourth-grader Travis Zimbel, who grabbed his allowance money and ran outside to purchase a gourmet grilled cheese from the truck.

Study: Americans Spend Five Hours Per Day Asking For Treats | Oct 27 2013

According to a study published in the Journal Of Applied Behavior Analysis, Americans spend an average of five hours per day asking for treats. The five-year study conducted by the Pew Research Center concluded that Americans of all ages often found themselves so hungry for goodies that they begged for them as often as 20 times per day.

Subway Commuters Treated To Impromptu Performance By Some Guy | Oct 27 2013

Riders on New York’s R train were delighted on Thursday morning when some random dude got up and shared his melodic singing voice with the whole subway car. “I can’t believe I just saw that guy perform,” said commuter and audience member Brenna Pierson.

Famed Tight Rope Walker Announces Plan to Walk Across Even Tighter Rope | Sep 06 2013

Saying he’s ready to take on his most difficult challenge yet, renowned tight rope walker Slade Kilgore announced in a press conference Tuesday that he was planning on walking across an even tighter rope. “This will be the tightest rope I’ve ever walked across,” said Kilgore.

Where Are All the Female Bear CEOs? | Sep 06 2013

Even in our modern workplace, where tolerance and equal opportunity are talked about openly, the subject of working female bears is somehow still taboo. But I look around and I can’t help but notice, where are all the female bear CEOs? Many people would argue that this isn’t a question worth asking, that the American workplace doesn’t need female bear CEOs.

Kids These Days Don't Appreciate Bob Dylan By An Egyptian Man in 50 B.C. | Sep 06 2013

I’m ashamed to say it, but my kids don’t know who Bob Dylan is. Have I failed as a father? As a mentor? If it were just my kids, sure, but it’s their whole generation. In fact, I’d venture to say there’s not one teenager today who truly understands “Blood On The Tracks.” Kids these days in 50 B.C.

Fledgling A Capella Scene Develops on Campus | Sep 06 2013

Calling it “an exciting little scene,” students confirmed that a capella singing groups are beginning to pop up on campus. Though it remains small, many students speculated that a capella groups could become a permanent fixture on campus one day.

Poll Finds Most Students Would Only Eat Piles of Chicken If That Were Option | Sep 06 2013

A campus-wide poll conducted by Brown Dining Services this week found that nearly 90 percent of students would eat solely piles of chicken if that were an option available to them. The poll comes after a wave of complaints from students frustrated with the dining options available.

At-Home Workout DVD Just Assumes You Have Kettle Bells | Sep 06 2013

Saying that you should “go ahead and grab those kettle bells now,” your new at-home workout DVD is apparently assuming you have those weird weight balls just lying around your home. “It’s time to work that upper body,” said the woman leading the workout, seemingly under the impression that your living room is completely stocked with gym equipment.

Boyfriend Asks Girlfriend How Many Kids She Wants to Have in Same Tone He Asks Where She Wants to Eat | Sep 06 2013

While walking down Brook Street on Wednesday, local boyfriend Andrew Prater reportedly asked his girlfriend, Wendy Skaggs, how many children she wanted to have in the same tone he usually uses to ask her if she feels like getting sandwiches for dinner.

Cool Urban Coffee Shop Decorated with 80 Pounds of Trash Glued to Walls | Sep 06 2013

Citing a variety of scrap metal, broken bicycle parts, and rotting pieces of wood adorning the walls of local coffee shop The Hub, sources confirmed that the popular cafe seems to be decorated solely with trash glued to its walls. Manager Tim Portwood confirmed The Hub’s “casual, urban feel” was achieved by repurposing about 80 lbs.

Student Just Wants a Summer Job Where an Old Man Calls Him Champ | May 03 2013

Though Jason Pendleton ’14 has been looking for summer internships and jobs for the past several months, he has been unable to find exactly what he is looking for. “I’ve been really disappointed by the lack of opportunities I’ve found,” said Pendleton.

Global Poverty Ended by Group of Plucky Third-Graders | May 03 2013

A group of nine spunky third-graders who formed a club called “Stop Global Poverty” a few months ago announced on Tuesday that they had successfully ended all the suffering, hunger and disease caused by global poverty. Through a series of bake sales, glittery posters and impassioned lunchtime announcements at their elementary school, the group was able to do what world leaders and activists have been trying to do for generations.

Award-Winning Director Owes It All to His Supportive Family and the Tiny Monster That Lives in His Pocket and Tells Him What to Do | May 03 2013

Director’s Guild Award winner Daniel Moyer announced in his acceptance speech on Sunday that he owes all his success to his family and the tiny monster that lives in his pocket and tells him what to do. “All day every day, I’ve got them to turn to: my wonderful wife, my daughter Katie, my son Caleb, and the monster who gives me advice from his home in my shirt pocket,” said Moyer.

Of Course Professional Poker Player Wearing Fedora One of Six Arrested in Prostitution Sting | May 03 2013

2004 World Series of Poker champion Greg Raymer, who is 50 pounds overweight and sports a wispy mustache, is obviously among six people facing charges after police conducted an undercover prostitution sting. Raymer’s arrest and, let’s be honest, probable conviction, surprised none of Raymer’s family, friends, or fans.

Reporter Finally Gets to the Bottom of What’s Hot This Spring | May 03 2013

People Magazine reporter Cassie Robles announced yesterday that, after conducting extensive research and talking with several experts on the topic, she knows exactly what’s hot this spring. People reader Annie Rice was happy and relieved to hear the news.

Father Desperately Hoping Daughter Doesn’t Take Him Up on Offer to Talk About It | May 03 2013

Area father Bill Dimundo is really hoping his 13-year-old daughter Alana Dimundo will decline his offer to “talk about it.” Dimundo, who made the offer out of a sense of fatherly duty, when Alana said she was upset about “all the drama at school today,” then admitted that he was ill prepared to give his daughter any advice.

Why Not, Nation to Give Acupuncture a Shot | Mar 11 2013

After trying everything, the citizens of the U.S. figure they might as well give that thing where they poke you with a bunch of needles a try. “You never know,” said the American people. “It could be fun.” The nation, already numb after a year of violence at home and abroad, and economic and political stagnation, is not really nervous about letting someone put thousands of needles all over its skin, saying, “My friend Judy did it and she says it really helped with her allergies.

All the Moms Out There Really Trying Not to Relate to Woman Talking to All the Moms Out There | Mar 11 2013

All the hardworking moms watching Clarissa Haines’s appearance on “The Rhode Show,” a local morning talk show, have been trying desperately not to relate to Haines’s shout-outs to all the hardworking moms out there. Haines, who recently self-published a book titled, “Having It All: A Successful, Sassy Mother Speaks Out,” encouraged all the moms out there to laugh at life’s little surprises and thank the universe every day for their children.

MCM Concentrator Just Combining Random Sounds with "-ism" Now | Mar 11 2013

Modern Culture and Media concentrator Harold Acker ’13 is just ending random syllables with “-ism” now, sources report. Acker, who has been talking about the gender roles in 1970s Asian films for the past 20 minutes, has been gradually moving away from using real words since he began talking.

NFL to Replace Footballs With Actual Hopes and Dreams of Players | Mar 11 2013

The National Football League announced yesterday that, starting next season, all regulation footballs would be replaced by the actual hopes and dreams of the football players. The players, whose hopes and dreams have been only symbolically at play until now, have had mixed responses to the change.

Come on, Dog Owner Really Needs This Game of Fetch | Mar 11 2013

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Spectrum India Actually a Front for a Nice Indian Man to be Really Nice | Dec 07 2012

After a month-long investigation, Providence Police Department officials revealed findings that Spectrum India, a Thayer Street store known for its eclectic merchandise, is actually a front designed to allow a nice old Indian man to be really nice.

Student Building Sacred Antelope Out Of Human Skulls Realizes This Might be a Cult | Dec 07 2012

Alex Mahoney ’14.5 realized while hot gluing human skulls together into the shape of the sacred antelope Yazlow on Sunday night that he might be in a cult. “I don’t want to make any inflammatory claims,” said Mahoney as he secured the antelope’s eyes, which were also made of skulls.

Freshman Still Not Sure When Friends Like the Ones in the Brochure Will Come Along | Dec 07 2012

Andrew Byron ’16 expressed uncertainty yesterday about the whereabouts of the tight-knit and diverse group of friends he was led to believe was an essential part of the Brown experience. Byron, who has spent the first semester of his freshman year waiting for friends to show up just like the ones in the brochure he received during his senior year of high school, says he thought surely he would be sitting on the Main Green flanked by a smiling black girl and East Asian guy by now.

POINT: You Shouldn't Let That Slurring Italian Man in This Jazz Bar Buy You a Drink. || COUNTERPOINT: Is Fine! I Tell You About Italy! | Dec 07 2012

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Freshman Far More Persuasive When He Enunciates, Waves Gun Around | Nov 02 2012

Ethan Feldman ’16 says he has been commanding a lot more attention, now that he has been working on his public speaking. “I used to be really shy and had trouble getting people’s attention,” said Feldman. “But ever since I started using clear methods of communication and just kind of waving this gun around at random, people really listen to what I have to say.”

Former Baseball Prodigy Wants to Know If You Found Everything Okay | Nov 02 2012

Former Warwick Veterans Memorial High School baseball star Joey Connor wants to know if you found everything okay today. Connor would be happy to help you find whatever you’re looking for, be it a ribbed tank top or a great pair of jeans. Sure, Connor used to be the biggest thing ever to come out of Warwick, R.I., but now he is completely devoted to your satisfaction as a valued customer.

Area Man Mistakes Filthy Pigeon Feather for Sign from the Universe | Nov 02 2012

Providence resident David Manville recently came across a dirty pigeon feather on Thayer Street and, mistaking it for the “sign, any sign” he had been looking for, pocketed the feather for safekeeping. Manville, a self-professed shell of the man he once was, had resolved to “just let the universe” be the guiding force in his life only a few minutes earlier.

A Gentleman Doesn't Spy On A Girl In The Shower And Tell By Gerard Voulez | Sep 07 2012

Let me give you a little unsolicited advice. A true gentleman never spies on a girl in the shower and then goes blabbing about it to all his friends. Being a gentleman is all about respect. So come on, have some respect. I know you’re new to this.

Space Rocks Not So Cool When They're Blocking Your Driveway | Sep 07 2012

Area man Terry Lepore, 39, recently came to the unsettling realization that space rocks stop being cool pretty much as soon as they stop being in space. Lepore contacted authorities on Friday night regarding the towering heap of smoldering space rocks currently blocking his driveway.

Starving Kids in Africa Happy to Hear You Saved the Rest of that Sandwich | Sep 07 2012

The children of sub-Saharan Africa were happy to hear that you saved the rest of that chicken salad sandwich, even though you could have easily thrown it away because you have access to an almost overwhelming supply of nutritious food and a convenient waste disposal system.

Disillusioned Citizens Announce Plan To Put All Hope For Humanity In Baby Anteater At Zoo | Sep 07 2012

The citizens of the world announced yesterday that, after considering the state of politics and general human behavior, they would be placing all hope for the future of humanity in a newborn anteater at the Providence Zoo. Humankind came to this decision yesterday, after a year-long search for something pure to believe in.

Mathematician Discovers Ovals Actually Just Shitty Circles | May 09 2012

On Monday, University mathematician Dwight Clappard announced his discovery that ovals can simply be defined as shitty circles. This announcement sent shock waves through the mathematical community and put Clappard, who was previously best known for his spot-on impression of Euclid, into the spotlight.

Fire Safety Officer To Give Brown Candle Club One More Chance | May 09 2012

After several days of talks with University administration and staff, Brown Fire Safety Officer Sheryl Walsh announced that she was willing to give the Brown Candle Club one more chance at not setting a building on fire during one of its functions before forcing them to discontinue activities.