“Pretty nervous about shipping out to Afghanistan, what with all the opportunities for water to splash up and daub my fresh new Navy outfit,” Biffles said as he patted his uniform to affirm its dryness. “Think about what might happen over there. I could be leaning over the railing and a break might pop water into my face and make me sneeze, or a wet colleague might walk by me and drip all over me, or I could even have to take one of the lifeboats and get splashed over the side again and again. I’d really hate to get all wet from being splashed. I’d prefer to stay dry, thank you very much.”

At press time, Biffles was terrified by the realization that while on duty the rocking of the boat might cause his sensitive tummy to get sick.