Jay's articles
Many people don’t know this, but presidents, too, have a sense of humor. I love to joke around with folks in the Cabinet, and everyone knows I’m good for a laugh or two. But since winning the presidency, my favorite thing to do is josh around with Michelle.
According to reports 1,500 miles off the western coast of the United States, a Category 5 hurricane is currently barreling through a random part of the Pacific Ocean far away from any landmass.
Saying that he feels attached to them in a distinctive way, TechSolutions CEO John Maxwell told reporters Monday that he prefers to think of his employees as his estranged family.
Sources report that despite having a close relationship with God, religion can’t fill the job-sized hole in area man Mark Adler’s heart.
“I’ve turned to God in times of trouble, but worship alone can’t suffice to make me happy anymore,” Adler said, adding that he has not felt the same comfort he used to feel from going to church after he lost his job.
Saying that he follows the same rigorous routine every day, industrial farmer Bill Morton wakes up early each morning in order to watch very large machines till his fields.
“Late to bed, early to rise, such is the life of a farmer,” Morton said, dressing in his warmest winter clothes to walk outside and watch his employees use a large mechanized plow to prepare his fields for crop.
Audience members at the Bohemian Caverns jazz club told reporters Monday that the jazz man on stage is making his little trumpet do all the nicest boops.
“When he boops like this I love to dance,” said jazz fan Marco Roth, who says his favorite boops are the high ones, though he’ll dance to the low ones, too.
Saying that he didn’t want to disrupt the man who was speaking, polite senator Ron Wyden (D-Or.) told reporters that he was too embarrassed to go use the bathroom during senator Tom Cotton’s (R-Ark.) 36-hour filibuster of gun control legislation.
Saying that he finds it mildly annoying, Senator Ron Johnson (R-WI) told reporters Tuesday that his friends are always pitching him ideas for bills.
“The annoying thing about being in Congress is that everyone sort of thinks they’re in Congress, too,” Johnson said, adding that friends and relatives are incessantly suggesting legislation across the political spectrum.
Protesting his friends’ interest in checking out a dark, scary cave, Michael Fitzwilliam shouted, “I’m not going in there,” even though he would eventually go in there and die.
“No way in heck am I going in there,” said Fitzwilliam to his friends, despite the fact that he’d surely be cajoled into joining them in the cave, where he would be killed in the most brutal fashion.
Saying that they hope to give customers a more integrated delivery experience, Domino’s Pizza announced a new technology enabling users to track the whereabouts of their pizza delivery guy at any given time. “Domino’s is committed to providing our clientele with up-to-the-minute information about the progress and exact location of our employees, from prep, to delivery, to wherever they decide to go afterward and for the rest of their lives,” said Domino’s Head of Media Relations Tim McIntyre, adding that the company is working alongside satellite providers to ensure pinpoint accuracy.
Saying that they found it a little unfair, players for the New England Patriots told reporters they were frustrated that head coach Bill Belichick was starting his son Brian at quarterback this season.
Players complained to reporters that they think the only reason Brian gets to play QB this season is that his dad is the coach.
.Stressing the importance of home protection, vigilant man Dan Strawson told reporters that he always keeps a loaded rocket-propelled grenade launcher underneath his pillow.
Noting that each friend has a different patch of hair on his face, students told reporters that if Mike Harbaugh ’16 and his friends put their facial hair together it would probably make a full beard.
“Mike has those weird sideburns and Terry has that patch on the bottom of his chin,” said Tom Toppard ‘16.
Saying that he embellishes a bit to give him an edge in the job market, area man Todd Brinkley lies about being God on his resume. “I know employers are aware of this kind of thing, but I figure they’ll never actually look it up, so I decided to just tell them that I’m God,” Brinkley said, adding that he figured he’d try to attain a little advantage over other applicants by telling employers he is the omnipotent and omniscient creator of all things.
Saying that he’d worked hard writing it and was disappointed, area man James Tobias told reporters today that he had realized while addressing a fan letter that Mozart has been dead for more than 200 years. “I’d been wanting to tell this Mozart just how much I love his music,” Tobias said, adding that he’d hoped to be able to go see Mozart in concert someday.
Saying that she’s veered off topic and is now discussing the hazy three years she lived on the West Coast with some guy, teenager Michael Rorty told reporters that his mom, Marianne, is talking about her lost years again.
“She was asking me about my day at dinner and then some guy named Jonathan came up, and now she’s talking about how they lived in a tiny house in Venice Beach for a few years before she married my dad,” Rorty said, noting that his mom has this rapt, dreamlike expression on her face, the same one she always has when talking about this stuff.
Noting that he’s almost always bewildered by what he’s reading, newscaster Rodney Dilfert loudly exclaims “What?” after reading every story.
“The Fairfax County school board has reportedly decided to ban all saturated fats from their lunches,” said Dilfert during a broadcast, scrunching his eyes in confusion.
Saying that she initially felt it was a sensible thing to do, area woman Jill Roberts realized today that her purchase of a 20-person tandem bicycle wasn’t the best decision. “I excitedly brought home this huge bike from the bike store like, ‘I’m gonna get all my friends to ride this thing,’” Roberts said, adding that she had plans to go to the park with a large group and ride around all day.
Elon Musk, founder and CEO of SpaceX, announced Monday that he hopes his company will be the first to send rich people into space and allow them to be killed there.
“I fully intend to send wealthy elites into space where they will be the first human beings to perish there in a fiery crash,” Musk said in a prepared statement, adding that he will personally ensure that a group of moneyed Americans die in space in this century with or without federal approval.
As a TV critic, I get to watch a whole lot of television. Dramas, comedies, game shows: you name it, I watch it—and a lot of it. It’s not often that I get totally addicted to a brand new show, but this season it’s happened: I can’t stop watching the new challenge show “GLORB WARS” on the Travel Channel.
I’ve heard a lot of chatter recently about this “American Sniper,” Chris Kyle. I don’t know much about him but, truth be told, I’ve got a bone to pick with this guy. Why? Well, I don’t think he has any right to be marketing himself like he has been, and that’s because there’s only one “American Sniper”: Kobe Bryant from behind the three-point line.
A recent poll of professional scientists and American citizens given by the California Institute of Technology shows that there is a large gap between what scientists and the general public think people should be fucking. “The results are fascinating, but not entirely surprising, as scholars have known for years that scientists and everyday Americans simply have divergent views about what should and shouldn’t be fucked,” said Professor of Statistics and Probability James Patterson, adding that 96 percent of Americans think some quantity of romantic partners should be party to sexual activity, whereas only 25 percent of scientists agree.
Calling it a landmark discovery in marine biology, scientists at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology announced yesterday the discovery that fish are just very small horses.
“Many of us had theories as to the evolutionary origins of fish, but once we put enough of them under a microscope it became clear that they’re all just tiny horses that swim around in the ocean,” lead researcher Dr.
Ending speculation about who would star in the highly anticipated biographical film, a report released Friday by Variety confirmed that British actor Christian Bale is set to play Michael Jordan in an upcoming film about the basketball star’s life and career.
Saying that they hope to provoke discussion about a controversial topic, Brown’s Janus Forum lecture series will host a debate between white supremacist Rick Foster and even meaner white supremacist Dan Donahue this month, sources confirmed.
“The Janus Forum is committed to hearing diverse perspectives on a variety of difficult issues,” Political Theory Project Director John Tomasi said, noting that Foster’s mild-mannered white supremacy will serve as an important counterpoint to the violent and unhinged white supremacy of Donahue.
Saying that he had a busy week and couldn’t find the time to study, student Peter Marigold ‘17 joined the army yesterday to get out of a tough linear algebra exam. “I’d only gotten through the first two or so sections of the study guide the night before, so I figured I’d think up a good excuse to get out of taking the test,” said Marigold, who will reportedly be deployed to Afghanistan within the month.
Noting that they’d maybe each learned something about fairness and mutual respect, New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady and Los Angeles Lakers shooting guard Kobe Bryant traded bodies last week in a super weird parable probably about sportsmanship, sources confirmed.
As he urgently stepped out of a time vortex, future man Urok Urok informed the people of Earth that he had traveled from the year 2407 to warn of the terrible dangers of time travel.
“Citizens of the past, I have come here to tell you that a dire future awaits should you manipulate the space-time continuum to your own ends,” Urok said, adding that altering the right linearity of time could potentially threaten human existence as we know it.
Saying that he’d prefer the comfort of salaried, professional employment, local man John Roberts decided Monday to pass up a life of crime in favor of a six-figure salary in the profession of his choice. “I considered things like petty thievery and kidnapping for ransom, even organized stuff like gangs, but at the end of the day I figured I’d rather work a well-salaried position in finance or law,” Roberts said, adding that his socioeconomic status and level of education in no way affected his decision in either direction.
Demanding that they deal with greater minutia on a daily basis, the nation’s assembly line workers said yesterday that they’d like to be given even more specific tasks. “We on the assembly line are sick and tired of doing specific things like welding a single axle onto a car or placing a tiny chip inside a cell phone, and instead want to do super specific things like installing one key onto a laptop keyboard,” said Art Johnston of the American Assembly Line Workers Association, adding that he hoped the age of placing individual parts into larger products would end in lieu of an age of putting smaller individual parts onto slightly bigger individual parts.
A recent study conducted by the School of Criminal Justice at Rutgers University found that 80% of American cops are motivated in their work by the death of their first love at the hands of a criminal mastermind.
The study, which surveyed thousands of police officers from precincts across the country, asked officers to indicate what influenced their decision to enter and remain in the profession.
Noting that the ellipsis basically goes on forever, area woman Joanne Kroeger received a text from her mom on Thursday that was just the word “yes” followed by 3,000 periods, sources confirmed. “I texted her asking if I could put paper towels in the microwave, and her response included this super long ellipsis for no reason,” Kroeger said, adding that it took her nearly a minute to scroll all the way down to the bottom of the message.
Saying that he’s the only one who can stop this plane from crashing straight into the Atlantic Ocean, handsome passenger John Spencer might just know how to fly this thing, sources confirmed Tuesday.
“God dammit, this just might work,” Spencer said, exchanging a confident look with the two skittish flight attendants in the cockpit, both of whom reportedly let out an audible gulp.
Emphasizing that he leaves tracks of filth wherever he goes, sources confirmed Friday that local kid Joey Thompson is never not covered head to toe in mud.
“Whenever I’ve seen Joey he’s always been covered in a thick glaze of dirt and muck,” said Joey’s kindergarten teacher Ms.
Swatting away cobwebs and swinging his lantern to get a better look inside, President Obama warily entered a secret passageway located behind an oval office bookcase Monday, White House sources confirmed.
The Commander-in-Chief discovered the hidden passage after tugging on an old, dusty book which acted as a lever, causing the room to shake precariously as the bookshelf moved out from against the wall by itself.
Saying that she likes to ensure they are effective, pharmacist Joanne Washburn told reporters Thursday that she always tastes prescriptions before serving them to customers. “I like to take one or two pills from each bottle and swallow them just to be certain that they’re of high quality,” Washburn said as she took several yellow caplets from an orange container, gulped them down with water, and patiently awaited their effects.
Saying that railroads had been a part of his life since he was a small boy, train conductor Jim Grantham told reporters Friday that his father was also a train. “My pop worked this very same line as a young locomotive,” Grantham said, adding that he learned much of what he knows about rail travel by watching his dad chug up and down the East Coast carrying passengers in his steel and aluminum interior.
Having worked in the food services industry for quite a long time now, we know quite well how a kitchen ought to be properly run. It means always having ingredients on hand, communicating effectively with the wait staff, and, of course, never letting your workspace become too hectic. But look what’s happened: there are too many cooks in the kitchen sink, and now we’re stuck here and we can’t get out.
Noting that he leaned too far forward at the table, sources have confirmed that dad Jeffrey Washburn loudly enumerated all of his favorite bass players at dinner tonight. “John Paul Jones second. Paul McCartney third. Jack Bruce fourth,” Washburn said, adding that he’d probably throw Noel Redding and Billy Cox in there for good measure.
Saying that she has been eager to make the announcement for some time now, 2012 Green Party candidate and physician Jill Stein has announced that she is officially launching her 2016 presidential defeat. “After weighing my options for the near future, I am excited to say that I have decided to lose the presidential election by a substantial margin come 2016,” Stein wrote in a blog post on her website, adding that, despite her desire to have more time with her family and close friends, the allure of a crushing and certain election rout is simply too strong.
Calling it the literary event of the year, publisher HarperCollins announced today that New York Times bestselling author Jonathan Safran Foer would publish his next novel on 700 glued-together drinking cups from Mexican restaurant chain Chipotle.
“Foer wanted to continue experimenting with form, and this is his boldest project yet,” said Senior Director of Publicity Shelby Meizlik about Foer’s new novel, which will reportedly come in twelve, sixteen, and twenty-four ounce sizes.
Stepping from a Newport News pier onto the USS “Wasp” for the very first time, newly commissioned Navy officer Frederick Biffles told shipmates yesterday that he sure hopes he won’t get splashed during his one-year tour of duty.
“Pretty nervous about shipping out to Afghanistan, what with all the opportunities for water to splash up and daub my fresh new Navy outfit,” Biffles said as he patted his uniform to affirm its dryness.
As part of an effort to reduce its negative environmental effects, Deer Park has unveiled a brand new eco-friendly bottled water which uses 100% less water than other leading products. “Our bottled water has always been our most popular product, and we feel the need to bolster our role in the green revolution by entirely reducing the amount of water used in our bottles,” Deer Park CEO Jim Brown wrote in a press release, noting that the new bottled water would come in various sizes and would feature zero potable liquid inside.
According to reports from television watchers across the nation, the new CBS program “New York Diaries” apparently takes place in a post-apocalyptic New York City rebuilt to look exactly like Vancouver.
“I had no idea how high premise this show is,” viewer Peter Blankenship said about the program, which evidently features a New York after the Empire State Building, Freedom Tower and Statue of Liberty had all been destroyed in some nuclear holocaust and replaced with buildings resembling those in the Canadian seaport city of Vancouver.
According to reports from the White House press corps, executive officials confirmed today that the targeted killing of American citizens overseas is really only weird if you think about it.
“If you stop and think about it, the idea that the President has power to authorize the killing of American citizens in international territory without due process and with impunity, as was the case with Anwar al-Awlaki and his son, will likely seem strange,” White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest told reporters.
Noting that the book has been sitting there for several weeks, sources confirmed today that Thomas Piketty’s “Capital In The Twenty-First Century” is right next to “Magic Tree House #8” on Cleveland resident Wallace Franco’s bookshelf.
“I’ve been meaning to crack open that Piketty up there,” said Franco, who placed the thick academic work by the renowned French economist and professor directly next to one in a series of books designed for children between the ages of five and nine years old.
Ah, crud. Here we go again. You bring three temporal-spanners and fifteen techno-rivets with you and still have to go through the ringer. This time machine sure ain’t workin’ like it should, mac. Sheesh. Criminy. No way, no how this thing’s going anywhere without some major repairs.
Following over two decades of difficulty with the regulation of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids and human growth hormone, MLB commissioner Rob Manfred announced today that the league would place an asterisk next to the very idea of playing the sport of baseball in the 21st century.
Noting that the track would be slick, sexy, and dance floor ready, Secretary of Urban Contemporary Development Shaun Harrison told reporters at a cabinet briefing Monday that he is hard at work on a brand new Downtempo R&B jam. “Though we initiated production just a few short days ago, I can say to the American public with confidence that the synths on this number will be cold as ice, smooth as glass, and thick like heavy cream—they crackle like a wood stove, and burn just as nice, too,” Harrison said as he leaned against his podium and fingered a smoking hot groove on his bass guitar.
Taking pains to cleanly sew together the still-floundering bass and yellowtail, thrifty fisherman’s daughter Jane Wilson is currently fashioning a prom dress using the day’s catch, sources confirmed Monday. “I knew I wouldn’t be able to afford a regular dress, so I just decided to get creative and attach several pounds of fish together using my tailoring kit,” said Wilson as she held up the dress-shaped haberdashery of live aquatic animals to check her progress.
Reports from a secret military facility in New Mexico indicate that local drone operator Jonathan Fremont has leveled up, after taking out a convoy of Al-Qaeda militants in Pakistan earlier this afternoon.
“It was a real grind, but I’m excited to have finally reached Level 21 in unmanned aerial vehicle combat,” Fremont said as he watched the replay of the killing on his computer screen and reached for a celebratory Red Bull.
According to enthusiastic reports from friends and family members, local mischievous teenager Mark Brandenburg has really begun to mature into the dangerous man he will eventually become.
“It’s been so wonderful to watch our young son age into the threatening adult we know he’ll one day be,” said Brandenburg’s mother Tracy, who told reporters that Mark’s playful disobedience at home and in the classroom had been broadening to include actually hurtful behavior for some time now.
Noting that the young boy is shy but knowledgeable when it comes to advanced military technology, sources confirmed today that quiet seventh-grader Andreas Miller sure knows a lot about tactical warfare.
“Andreas was sitting at our lunch table today and unprompted just launched into this detailed description of Gulf War-era land combat tactics,” said classmate Nick Grigsby, who vaguely knows Miller but had never heard him talk before.
According to a study released today by the Pew Research Center, 100 percent of American musicians named Paul Simon wrote and recorded the Grammy Award-winning 1986 album, “Graceland.”
“We have conducted exhaustive research in the field of Paul Simon’s discography and have found definitively that every musician born Paul Frederic Simon in Newark, N.J., created and produced the classic album ‘Graceland,’” lead researcher Michelle Patterson said, noting that 0 percent of musicians with the names Carl Dunbar or Michael Jefferies wrote or recorded any of the tracks featured on the world music-inflected pop classic.
Most people don’t think of me as anything other than a bigwig Hollywood producer. And why would they? I co-founded Miramax and The Weinstein Company, and I have produced more than 200 of the most successful and important movies of the last few decades.
Noting how he brandished the money like it was no big deal—like it was pocket change—sources at a CVS in Providence told reporters today that the customer who just paid for his goods with a $50 bill must think the whole world is a big fucking bank for him to store his massive fortune in, or something.
Though he emphasized that he can’t speak with certainty, area man John Prescott told reporters this afternoon that he is beginning to suspect his wife Beth might not be coming home from the business trip she’s been on for the past 12 years.
Officials with the Providence Police Department announced this afternoon that local institution of higher learning, Brown University, passed away yesterday at the age of 249.
“Though information is still trickling in, we can confirm that the University was found dead Thursday morning on a plot of land in Providence, R.I., on the eve of its semiquincentenary,” Chief Sheriff David M.
So it is you, reader, who is willing to allow me to lay before you, in this written assay, the results of my enquiries into the twin natures of Art and Moral Judgment. My object in such an auspicious undertaking is the delineation of that transcendental ground wherein the aesthetic and ethical nobilities of human nature are inextricably wound.
Saying that the scientist was clearly the best at bouncing in their friend group, the MacArthur Foundation selection committee announced today that physicist Dr. Brian Hargrove had won their prestigious $625,000 “genius” grant for bouncing a tennis ball so freaking high, like even higher than the roof of their house which is pretty tall.
Describing it as a breakthrough in the field of dweeb genetics, bully scientists at the University of Pennsylvania have reportedly identified the gene that makes you a dumb, brace-faced nerd who’s about to get a knuckle sandwich.
“We’ve conducted extensive research on lame-o’s and mouth-breathers all across the United States, and our studies suggest that this gene definitively proves you’re a freak who’s just begging for a wedgie right now,” mean researcher Kyle Portnoy said as he scowled and pounded his fist into his palm.
Calling it a particularly nasty case, area man Peter Bilkmore told reporters that he awoke today to find his apartment had been badly infested by multiplatinum-selling hard rock band Papa Roach. “Around 5 a.m. I heard what sounded like early 2000s rap-rock coming from the basement,” remarked Bilkmore as he put in earplugs to block out the noisy swarm of alt-rockers below him.
As head of one of the largest and most powerful intelligence agencies in the world, I understand better than anyone the outrage people have expressed following revelations regarding our mass surveillance of American citizens. I totally get it. It sounds messed up! But the truth is—and I really, really didn’t want to have to reveal this—we’ve been collecting all this information for an amazing surprise birthday collage for the American people and you ruined it.
Citing the finding as a momentous occasion in the study of terrestrial bodies, astronomers at NASA have reportedly discovered a nearby Earth-like planet whose topographical features are the exact shape, form, and all-around likeness of comedian Billy Crystal’s face and head.
Calling their meeting place “fun and interesting in its own way,” sad husband and wife Jonah and Melissa Washburn were again forced to tell the story of how they met at a taping of the now-defunct George Lopez-helmed late-night program, “Lopez Tonight,” at a party early Saturday evening.
This vast blue planet on which we live—this rock we call Earth—can sure be an isolating place. We float along in orbit around the sun, our petty human concerns taking precedence, and occasionally we look to the stars, pondering the mystery of it all.
Describing himself as a “pretty extreme extrovert,” local man Peter Marbury derives most of his daily energy from spending time around and eating the corpses of other human beings, sources confirmed Monday. “I’m just the kind of guy who recharges by going out with a couple of friends, grabbing some drinks, and finding a few dead bodies or murdering a group of strangers and eating their insides,” the outgoing man remarked as he gnawed the meat off of a person’s fibula.
According to reports from within the First Baptist Chapel in Oxford, England, famed evolutionary biologist and outspoken atheist Richard Dawkins is currently just heckling the shit out of local pastor Michael Winston.
“Pastor Winston was reading a selection from 1 Corinthians when Dawkins stood up from his pew and started cackling and booing,” reported churchgoer John Chapman.
Reports from a small café near Union Square in Manhattan indicate that a group of 30-something New Yorkers, who have names like Jonathan, Charlotte, Max and Chloe, just held a frank, unfiltered conversation about sex. “Be honest: how many people have you slept with?” Charlotte reportedly asked the group with a lip-biting smirk, before they proceeded to discuss the weirdest places in which each of them had had sex, the quality and stamina of each of their sexual partners, and the notion that human beings are biologically programmed to be polyamorous.
Standing in their backyard on a picturesque autumn day, psychotic father and son Joseph and Mikey Thompson sweetly played their first game of catch the recently severed human hand, sources confirmed Sunday. “There’s nothing like tossing around a misbehaving postman’s hand with your boy on a beautiful afternoon,” a sweaty and unblinking Joseph Thompson said, while his adorable and impish 6-year-old son nodded and tossed the festering limb back to his father.
Sources at a group outing at Jimmy’s Bar & Grill in Providence reported Monday that attention-obsessed man Jeff Kilner would not stop talking about the miraculous heart transplant that saved his life just six months ago.
“Jeff was going on and on about the remarkable 10-hour surgery he had to replace his defective heart,” reported close friend Arnold Prescott.
According to reports yesterday afternoon from within the Pickford home, obnoxious hypochondriac Joseph Pickford just wouldn’t shut up about the large festering gash in his right leg.
“There is blood everywhere and putrid-smelling greenish pus dripping down my leg,” whined the relentlessly annoying crackpot, who seems to have a different ailment almost every single week.
Officials are currently investigating the derailment of Food Network personality Guy Fieri’s flavor train, which reportedly rolled off the tracks in Heart Attackville while on course to Delicioustown late this afternoon.
The flavor train, which had been traveling through a Category 5 hurricane of butter and buffalo sauce for much of the morning, sped out of control after the dynamite taste of a deep-fried holy-moly Stromboli caught Fieri by surprise.
Recent reports from the home of arachnophobic teenager Josh Hutchinson suggest that he has a complicated and sometimes strained relationship with his father, Tslskksk, an over-sized Goliath Tarantula.
“It feels like he doesn’t understand me,” said Hutchinson, who enjoys skateboarding and eating out with friends.
Following reports that a performer at tonight’s “Dance Extension” show had fallen off the stage and begun to cry, sources have confirmed that no one at the performance is certain whether the gruesome fall was an accident or some kind of sly, Brechtian choice on part of the director.
According to concerns expressed to his wife and close friends following revelations regarding the National Security Agency’s domestic spying program, area man Robert Branford is apparently actually worried that the NSA might spy on the stupid pictures of his dumb family that he sometimes emails to relatives.
According to a source reporting from within the Romney household, former Presidential candidate Mitt Romney decided to Google search his own name one last time before going to bed tonight, just to check and see if anyone had written anything new about him since his last search.
According to various sources, Boston resident Rachel Pierce is currently in a committed, long-term relationship with the mature, emotionally intelligent adult her boyfriend Bobby will never become.
“Rachel is so happy dating the responsible grown-up Bobby definitely won’t turn into,” said a friend close to the couple.
Following 11 years of extended conflict in both Iraq and Afghanistan, which claimed the lives of more than 8,000 U.S. and Coalition soldiers and cost the U.S. over $1.4 trillion, the War on Terror finally ended today as Terror admitted defeat.
President Obama officially announced the end of the War on Terror early this morning, at a televised appearance in the East Room of the White House.
A report released on Friday revealed that students using the Department of Public Safety’s SafeWalk program have filed a record number of complaints this semester against pedantic Safewalker Jonathan Blake ’15, who has been asking frustrating trivia questions that are basically impossible to answer.
Hi, kids! I’m Hall of Fame NFL Quarterback, Steve Young. I’d like to talk to you about the increasing risk of brain-related injuries in football.
Concussions are a serious problem for athletes like me—and I would know: I’ve been diagnosed with seven of them! Luckily, with good judgment, we can help prevent concussions, and make football safer and make football safety and more fun is for it to play us in make me where cook cookery dog shed ballistics.
Having struggled through his 33rd consecutive night of sleeplessness, Providence resident Mitch McCann, 29, told reporters that he now believes a lack of fruits and vegetables in his diet, together with his nightly reassessment of every decision he has ever made in his entire life, is the primary factor contributing to his chronic insomnia.
Denizens of Earth, it is I, the Fallen One, the Dark Lord of the Underworld, Satan! I contribute to your measly news publication in order to inform you of a great tide on the horizon, that which lies in store for the entirety of your pathetic liberal university: eternal torture and damnation in the most fiery depths of Hell!
Which, I must say, is just not what it used to be.
Following a great and lengthy deliberation, every student enrolled in Professor Jane Burwich’s “Politics, Campaigns, and Elections” course is now absolutely certain that presidential candidate Mitt Romney is a giant douchebag.
The students reached their conclusion after several days of hard, unrelenting political debate, and each student now hates the Republican candidate equally.
Members of indie-rock band Animal Collective issued a public apology this week after allowing their label to release a recording of the din produced by a swarm of Australian plague locusts instead of their new album, “Centipede Hz.”
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