“While many improvements could be made to the Nelson Fitness Center, we ultimately implemented changes that would benefit the Brown community’s wellness experience to the greatest extent,” reported University Recreation manager Amy Dean, finalizing an order for 5,000 biodegradable dog poop bags to put in the gym. “Specifically, students can now choose from six more dumbbells, and they can lift them while a dog urinates on the turf carpet beside them.”

Eager to experience the new and improved gym, students and dogs from across campus flocked to the Nelson Fitness Center, either to lift one of the six new dumbbells or pee on the artificial grass.

“I know that a lot of people complain about the lengthy wait times and outdated equipment at the Nelson,” added Dean, scooping some dog shit off of the turf before the evening gym rush rolled in. “However, we felt that buying a few more dumbbells and providing a place for dogs to pee inside addressed the most crucial concerns about the gym.”

At press time, renovations to the Ratty turned out to be some little signs labeling the type of food served in each area.