“Kids will be convulsing with joy when they get a ‘load’ of the Hasbro Blast,” says Hasbro PR executive Harry Walters. “Here’s one squirt gun Mom won’t be able to take away. Get ready to get totally soaked — with lead!”

The bullets, explained Walters, are launched when a small “hammer,” connected to the back of the squirt gun, collides with the back of the bullet. The bullet is then propelled out of the squirt gun at high velocity. “We hope that with these new, higher-speed projectiles, we’ll see the beginning of an entirely new form of squirt gun play," said Walters. "Whether on the playground, at school, or even at home, we hope to see children armed with our new squirt guns and having a ‘blast’ wherever they go!”

Added Walters, “It’s a great way to beat the heat because it will kill you.”

At press time, Hasbro CEO Brian Goldner was seen cackling and driving one of the new line of Tonka armored tanks through the streets of Pawtucket. Goldner was unavailable for comment.