Alex's articles
Hasbro stock rose 12 points on Monday following the announcement of their new line of squirt guns that, in a fun twist on the squirt gun concept, squirts deadly bullets instead of the more traditional water.
“Kids will be convulsing with joy when they get a ‘load’ of the Hasbro Blast,” says Hasbro PR executive Harry Walters.
“Ye’d best just stay away,” said Jennings McCormack, a World War II veteran with a glass eye and permanent scowl, as he gestured past the looming border fence. “There’s trouble brewing across that border. I can feel it in my bones.”
According to reports from anyone who knows anything at all about existing at Brown University, freshman Jarred Mitchell ’16 continually makes the most obvious mistakes that a freshman at Brown University could possibly make.
Kirsten Blais ’15 reports that she saw him on the third floor of Wilson asking where the stairs up were.
Students and faculty alike were surprised by the sudden appointment of a mysterious out-of-towner to the position of Dean of the College. The new dean, known only as “Sam,” was apparently selected due to his charisma, style and an outstanding unplanned interview where he rhythmically spoke to a crowd of several dozen on the Main Green about various unaddressed problems within the current Brown administration.
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