The study answers pressing questions including: Are you blind when you’re born? Can you see in the dark? Can you look at a king? Would you sit on his throne?

“What we’ve found,” the study reported, “is that Jellicles are and Jellicles do, Jellicles do and Jellicles would, Jellicles would and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do. Within a 1.4% margin of error.”

“We’ve had the opportunity to expand our research as well,” the study continued. “We’ve been able to gather data on questions like: Can you ride on a broomstick to places far distant? Familiar with candle, with book and with bell? Were you Whittington’s friend? The Pied Piper’s assistant? Have you been an alumnus of Heaven or Hell?”

“Again, conclusively, we’ve found that Jellicles do and Jellicles can, Jellicles can and Jellicles do, Jellicle cats sing Jellicle chants, Jellicles old and Jellicles new, Jellicle song and Jellicle dance, Jellicle songs for Jellicle cats.”

At press time, Tong was continuing research on Practical cats, Dramatical cats, Pragmatical cats, Fanatical cats, Oratorical cats, Delphic-oracle cats, Skeptical cats, Dispeptical cats, Romantical cats, Pedantical cats, Critical cats, Parasitical cats, Allegorical cats, Metaphorical cats, Statistical cats and Mystical cats, Political cats, Hypocritical cats, Clerical cats, Hysterical cats, Cynical cats, and Rabbinical cats.