“I thought I just needed to fix a strap, but as soon as I reached for it, I felt judgment from the whole village,” Morgan reported, glancing around the main green as she provocatively readjusted her boob, “it was like they could see something dark and monstrous in me.”

“I immediately felt myself possessed with some energy I couldn’t define when I went to fix my tank top,” Morgan continued as she attempted in vain to keep her boobs trapped in their tank top prison, “it was like I was calling out to everybody with a siren song, begging them to look my way.” Morgan concluded, despite the fact that nobody had looked her way or even noticed that she was adjusting her clothing.

At press time, there was no way to wear a backwards cap without feeling like a frat bro standing bow-legged in a door frame.