“We have just completed a test of a powerful new weapon that will reliably smash any rivals in the Pacific region,” said leader Kim Jong Un, who vowed to further expand his collection of hammers and mallets to counter rival nations. “This glorious weapon will crush South Korea into one million tiny pieces.”

The North Korean state media report came a day after South Korea’s military said it detected North Korea swinging a giant mallet into a test site 34 miles from the border. This test is part of a recent flurry of North Korean shows of force, including the dropping of a massive anvil and a reported test of a delicious-looking pie with a punching glove hidden inside.

“The DPRK will not hesitate to use lethal force,” added Kim Jong Un, showcasing a big red lever that would activate the mallet should he decide to utilize it. “South Korea should reconsider its irresponsible behavior.”

At press time, South Korea had installed an enormous trampoline to repel the mallet.