“I’m not standing for any protests or sit-ins or what-have-yous," said Paxson while covering the Campus Center steps with barbed wire. “I’ve been digging trenches all summer. Hell, even the groundskeepers get camo and bayonets now.”

“This is gonna be my year! Everything’s coming up Christina!” giggled Paxson maniacally before aiming a firehose at two sophomores sunbathing. “No more Madame Nice President, no siree. You act out, I sic the hounds on you.”

At press time, university donors were heard muttering, “not this year,” while switching to much safer investments.