“The end of my time here really snuck up on me,” said President Obama, placing a portrait of John Adams over a hole in the wall that was made when he dared a drunk Joe Biden to punch it as hard as he could. “It feels like just yesterday I was moving in and this was my pad. I sort of forgot I was responsible for keeping it in good shape,” explained the president, trying desperately to scrub graffiti reading “I am Barack and this is my big house” off the wall of the State Dining Room. “But I will say, it’s not like this place was perfect when I moved in. The door to the East Wing was busted before I got here and no one ever came to fix it. I’m not paying for that.”

“I told Barack that grinding down the banister of the spiral staircase on his rollerblades would mess up the wood,” said Michelle Obama, picking up dozens of red solo cups up from the floor of the Lincoln Bedroom, “but he said he was never going to get better if he didn’t practice.”

“Our dad was really strict about parties," added Malia Obama. "He never let us have them because he was hosting parties of his own all the time, and his parties last for days and take up the entire house. Now he’s making us all clean his messes because he really wants to get the $200 security deposit he put down on this place back when we move out.”

At press time, President Obama was seen googling, “how to repair a shattered bust of Andrew Jackson.”