“The President’s llama,” said local Italian elder Mama Digiamma, “Like the wretched Osama, like a defunct Skate-O-Rama, like imperialist Portuguese explorer Vasco da Gama, is a pain, a stain, a tired refrain in a country that’s weary and needy of grain.” Others echoed Ms. Digiamma’s sentiment that the President should focus more on agricultural issues and not so much on the various needs and demands of his llama, although they did not have her sweet flow.

The President could not be reached for comment, as he was out buying his llama’s trauma pajamas, which are special pajamas the llama wears in times of hardship. The llama also could not be reached for comment because he is a llama.