“We love our Uncle Jerry,” said Joanna Bungard at the procession, her eyes staying well clear of Jerry’s coffin. “This whole situation was a tragedy. In his dying breaths, he wished to have an open casket funeral. We were frankly shocked because… well, umm, how do I put this in a way that would respect Uncle Jer’s memory… he’s just really, really unpleasant to look at. And then Uncle Jerry died before we could convince him to take it back. So now we’re here.”

“When they first described his cause of death, I thought nothing of it,” said coroner Stephen Palls with a shutter. “In my 39 years preserving bodies for open casket funerals, I’ve embalmed thousands of bodies—some burnt, some with lost limbs, some barely recognizable as human. But this. Jerry Bungard was the single grossest job I’ve ever done. I just feel bad for his family.”

At press time, a handsome guy made the silly decision to be cremated after he died.