“It peeled him in clean spirals,” said a nearby shopper who witnessed the entire event take place. “His Patagonia hit the ground first. Then the khakis. Then, well… the man. By the time it got to his knees, he looked kind of like a sad, giant shrimp.”

“I was tired of his sick, sick, self-satisfied checks for my brethren’s ripeness,” said the begrudging orange as he was handcuffed and taken off to the juicer for capital punishment. “He used to stand there like a barbarian, peeling us alive with that smug little grimace like he was doing us a favor. Oh no no no, not this time. I knew that if I didn’t stand up and take action now, he would have kept terrorizing our community for as long as he wanted. Justice has been served.”

At press time, a banana was seen slipping on a man.