Carter's articles
Against all odds, a local wall clock reportedly continues to keep time, stoic and unflinching, despite everything it’s seen.
“I’ve experienced horrors the likes of which you wouldn’t believe,” said the clock, hands trembling at the memory.
Tensions rose at your local cafe this week when customers realized that matcha actually tastes like dirt.
“I call those earthy notes,” said matcha enthusiast Jessica Robertson, swirling her plastic cup like a wine critic trying to convince herself she’s not just drinking the liquid version of the lawn clippings BeanBoozled jellybean.
Sources report that in a harrowing incident on Tuesday afternoon, local man Brian Hull was reportedly peeled back by an orange in the produce aisle.
“It peeled him in clean spirals,” said a nearby shopper who witnessed the entire event take place.
Reports indicate that Aiden Bowen ’25 has officially reached an all-time low after ordering an Uber from North Campus to the Ratty despite the existence of free Brown Shuttles, TransLock, and his own legs.
“The weather was fine, so I know that wasn’t it,” reported one eyewitness who watched Bowen nearly fall as he tried exiting the red Honda Civic that had a glowing light reading “UBER” on the windshield.
Students dining at the Ratty this week were treated to the regular spectacle as dining hall staff gathered around an oversized cauldron, chanting while stirring a thick, bubbling soup.
“Eye of potato, toe of boot, tail of rat, and a splash of expired oat milk—this should be our most bewitching batch yet,” crowed Sister Grizelda, adjusting her freshly issued hair net which stretched into an eerily sharp point at the top.
Reports indicate that an innocent snow angel actually turned out to be a normal angel recovering from what witnesses describe as a “legendary night out ending in a flurry of disaster.”
“Ohhh yeah, I’ve really done it this time,” admitted the angel, who was still lying face-down in the snow with a faint odor of tequila lingering.
Area birthday clown Bubbles stunned local parents this weekend when he took off his red nose, revealing a jawline sharp enough to slice through any balloon animal.
“I thought I was hiring some old guy in a wig to make balloon animals, but suddenly I’m locking eyes with a total heartthrob,” said party mom Katie Wrubel, adjusting her hair and pretending to be interested in juggling for the first time in her life.
Sources report that local man Greg Jenkins is still grappling with a haunted house’s decision to instantly hire him as a scare actor.
“Maybe it’s my hair?” contemplated Jenkins, whose face looked like it’s been hit by a bus, twice. “I haven’t had it cut in, like, two whole weeks, so it’s definitely getting a little unruly.”
“I came in to interview for a janitorial position.
Local Disney mom Daisy Pines reportedly spotted a “hidden Mickey” in the most unexpected place—teardrops on her divorce papers.
“I barely had time to process that Chad was officially leaving me before I saw it—three perfect circles,” Pines said, marveling at the symbol as she dabbed her cheeks.
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