Hey Tyler, what a wild ride huh? It’s crazy how chemistry brought you and me together, and now it’s gonna keep me and your mother together forever because I, Dr. Theron Softkiss, am your new dad. One day, I’m soliciting clients for my amateur chemistry tutoring service at the public library, and I see you — 14 years old, looking like a schlub in the ancient history section — and instantly clocked you as being in need of my assistance.

I could tell, Taylor, and we both knew this, that you needed some guiding hands, hands that would explain the periodic table to you. Hands and a mind that could cut through the noise of our crazy world and really explain what valence electrons are and how to count them in a Boron atom. All unlicensed of course, because me charging any money for these services would directly violate a number of statutes at all levels of government, as well as the conditions of my plea deal and witness protection.

But more importantly, once I had begun to catalogue for you the various areas of my expertise and how they inform my amateur chemistry tutoring practice, I was struck violently by a love bug. Or rather, I caught the love bug. That’s right Teller, I saw your mother through the stacks. God bless the librarians for spacing the ancient history sections so I could get a glimpse of your mother Galenda, that stone cold fox. She’s badder than John Wayne Gacy, ow! It was love at first sight. I knew that once she let me into her home to tutor you, I had to form the most powerful type of bond with her: the bond of love.

It was like magical alchemy, Towel, how at the same time that you and I made our odyssey through the first three chapters of Gustafssen’s Introduction To Chemistry, your mother and I were developing our own bonds, the types of covalent bonds you might not yet understand on a conceptual level but which burn with passion and helped mobilize my solar plexus in ways I never expected… Nevertheless Toler, I know we started this as a professional — well actually, amateur, per the stipulations of my immunity clause — relationship, but now I’m gonna be your new dad. I’m here to stay, Toby.

COUNTERPOINT: Please Stop Helping This Man Move Into Our House By Your Dad

Tyler, please put that box down. Why does it say “ex-husband” on it? Where’s your mother? I don’t like the look of that guy in the lab coat with all the Mardi Gras beads around his neck. This is really fucking weird Tyler, what’s going on? Seriously, where’s your mother? I’ve been trying to call her but she’s been ignoring my calls. Son, please stop helping this man move into our house.

The lab coat guy is your amateur chemistry tutor? This is what you get for hiring an amateur! Please, stop rolling the hand truck with my grandfather’s grandfather clock on it. Tyler, I’m your dad and this creep with the tinted glasses isn’t changing that. I know we’ve had our differences but I think you not actively helping to move all my shit out of the house is a pretty reasonable expectation. Are you even listening? And get rid of those Mardi Gras beads he gave you, they’re creeping me out.

Okay, if you’re not going to stop moving my shit out of the house, at least stop moving the strange man’s shit into the house. I’m glad you put the hand truck down, but I’m not sure how relieved I should be because I see you eyeing the boxes of books over there. Those were gonna be yours Tyler, all my volumes… enlightening volumes, mind you, not that I have to explain myself or the volumes… but maybe they won’t be yours after all Tyler, not if you betray me by continuing to move me out.

You know, in bygone eras, this could have been considered an attempt at patricide, Tyler! I would have had recourse against you, recourse! You’re violating the bonds of the nuclear family, Tyler! Hey, don’t walk away from me when I’m talking! Okay buddy, you really gotta reconsider your role in this. Why are you helping this guy? What are you going to gain from it… and who really benefits? “Cui bono,” Tyler, “cui bono,” who stands to benefit? That’s from Lenin, Tyler, you could stand to learn a lot from him. He never would’ve let himself be ambushed like this! You’re making an analytical mistake Tyler, you don’t know the true contours of the situation… and you need to put that fucking box down, young man. Tyler, stop handing the boxes to the chemistry man, and don’t move any of the large furniture whatever you do.

Oh for Christ’s sake Tyler, not the credenza!