“The multi-level design of the new Performing Arts Center has allowed us to dig deeper into the ground than any construction team at Brown ever has before,” said construction site director Bill Flob. “And our job here isn’t done until we break our way into the extensive network of mole tunnels that exists far underground. We know the mole people are down there somewhere, burrowing around in darkness under our feet. We won’t rest until we’ve uncovered their mysterious civilization once and for all.”

Past construction projects have failed to make contact with the mole men, Flob explained. “We thought for sure the Thayer Street bus tunnel would blast straight through a cavernous mole city, but no luck. No other construction site has even scratched the surface of what sinister mole forces lie beneath this campus.”

At press time, Flob was vigilantly surveying the pit for signs of mole holes from atop his tower crane.