“President Trump plans to celebrate the upcoming holiday in the most festive way imaginable,” a White House press release stated. “He’ll spend all night alone in the twisting, terrifying corridors of his deteriorating brain, haunted by wailing groans and nightmares beyond comprehension.”

“It is not uncommon for the President to retreat to the depths of his chilling, gnarled subconscious,” the press release continued, noting that Trump would sit alone in the Oval Office on October 31, awaiting the haunting chime of midnight to begin intense and violent contemplation. “He intends to plunge into the darkest recesses of his horrifying, crumbling mind in honor of this important holiday.”

At press time, the White House announced it would still be handing out candy to trick-or-treaters.