“He’s not fooling anyone,” said Halle Weaver ‘18, noting that beards don’t crawl around and that ants are incredibly easy to identify. “If you can’t grow a respectable amount of hair on your face, you should just own it rather than assembling thousands of ants on your mouth and cheeks to look like a beard.”

According to reports, Hamline delivers lectures with a multitude of ants dripping from his chin onto the floor, creating distractions for his students. “It’s hard to focus on what he’s saying when the ants move freely in and out of his orifices,” said Alexei Lev-Moorhead ’16. “I’m pretty sure they’re making their nest in his left ear.”

Lev-Moorhead added, “That’s where they keep bringing their food.”

Sources also confirm it’s very apparent that Hamline’s hair is just wet spaghetti he draped on top of his head to compensate for a receding hairline.