Joseph's articles
A group of students had an amazing time this past weekend putting on the most precious skit in the Production Workshop Upspace. Sources report the cute little play called “Waterworld,” a devised retelling of the Herman Melville classic Moby Dick from the perspective of Moby as a precocious preteen, was loads of fun and even had a message.
Hot dogs! Get your hot dogs here! I’ve got genuine Viiiienna beef hot dogs packed with enough poison to end your life—I mean hot dogs, regular hot dogs! Just $4.75 a pop!
Who’s feeling hungry? Because folks I’ve got peanuts for you! Cracker Jacks! 10ml of Dimethylmercury—and beer! Ice cold beer here!
We have Coors, Bud Lite! There’s no way you’re leaving this stadium alive—What? Who said that? Get your beeeeeer right here, ladies and gentlemen! Get it while you—while it lasts!
Ma’am! Your kids look like they could use a malt cup or a frooooozen lemonade! Tell you what? You buy three, I’ll knock $5 off the total and throw in some deadly poison free of charge! When you eat this you’re going to break into a feverish sweat and then paralysis will set in and you’re done for, do you hear me? Done for—All right, thank you for the tip! Phew, that was a close one.
It was October 19, 1960 when the United States first imposed an embargo on Cuba in response to the communist reforms of Fidel Castro. Now, exactly 53 years later, despite our numerous steps forward, it seems this country is still determined to neglect Cuban progress and uphold this senseless embargo.
Feigning a cough of solidarity, kind doctor Ramon Ohara lied to his terminally ill patient Kyle Nelson by saying he also had only six months left to live. “Your body is not responding to the chemotherapy and neither is mine,” said Ohara, who thoughtfully fabricated an MRI of a malignant tumor nearly identical to Nelson’s and claimed it as his own just to make the dying patient feel better.
Returning from her trip to the airplane bathroom winded and red in the face, first class passenger Margot Henry confirmed that she had overheard whispers of a coming revolution from the passengers in coach.
“They’re coming for us,” said Henry, inciting the twelve members of the Embraer E170 bourgeoisie to remove their complimentary noise-canceling headsets and hold an emergency council.
After his younger brother confided in him that he had no clue when it came to the opposite sex, 16-year-old Reese Cochrane sat him down and sweetly explained how to talk at girls. Drawing from his own experience with not listening to girls, Cochrane outlined how to assertively approach an uninterested female and initiate a patronizing, one-way conversation that makes her feel inferior.
Using basic reasoning skills and forethought, rational man Niall Sheehan survived another day by deciding against painting a bullseye on his chest and streaking through an archery range.
“I don’t think I will do that,” said Sheehan, deciding not to rip off his work clothes in the middle of the office, paint a black and red bullseye on his bare chest, and sprint naked through the nearest archery range while shouting, “Ten points for my groin, fifty points for my head!” “I’m smart enough to know that if I did that, people at the archery range would get angry and maybe even call the police.
Chasing another stray ball headed toward the bleachers, dedicated JV basketball player Colin Silva vowed to miss at least 100 free throws after every single practice. Silva’s coaches and teammates confirmed that he is the hardest working weak-link on the entire team.
Sources confirm that Kevin Terry, a 42-year-old commercial pilot with a wife and two teenage daughters, is complicit in all of it and needs to wake up.
According to friends and neighbors of Terry, a non-disruptive pawn deeply rooted in unjust systemic circuitry who helps to indoctrinate those around him into the hegemonic system of beliefs simply by living and breathing and stepping out his front door, he pitches in a town team softball league and makes a “mean yellow curry.”
“We’re almost out of orange juice,” said the unconscionable cog.
In preparation for an upcoming role as the late Joe DiMaggio in the biopic “Joltin’ Joe,” famed method actor Christian Bale died. His body was found in the living room of his Santa Monica home.
According to Bale’s agent Ronda Schreiber, the devoted actor wanted to get inside Joe DiMaggio’s head in the most true-to-life way possible: by dying from lung cancer just like DiMaggio did in 1999.
Taking another trip to the local home and garden store to find a better-fitting pair of rubber gloves, inefficient man Lou Westin has been plotting revenge against his wife’s killer for sixty-five years. Westin, now 88 years old, has worked diligently, though incompetently, since 1951, spending up to several years on each small detail of his plan to track down a man named Gabriel Pollack, get him to confess, and murder him in cold blood.
Stymied by the U.S. armed forces, seven-ton monster and certified squeally lil wuss Goræbogon The Colossal slithered back into the sea to regain his precious strength after failing to demolish all of New York City last Wednesday. Left in his wake is a really pathetic excuse for mass destruction.
Holding coffee in one hand and placing the other over her heart, American Studies concentrator Keely Montero spent nearly six hours last night facing an American flag hung on her dorm room wall and practicing the Pledge of Allegiance by herself over and over again.
According to reports from Brown’s Math and Applied Math Departments, a mysterious janitor keeps coming into the lecture halls after hours, attempting to finish near-impossible proofs left behind on the chalk board, and royally fucking them up. Each day, annoyed students and professors arrive to find their chalkboard littered with the vandal’s close, but ultimately false summations.
According to a study released Tuesday by the American Dental Association, four out of five dentists recommend brushing and flossing at least twice a day unless you’ve really gotta be somewhere, in which case you should just pop in a mint before you head out the door.
Following the recent unearthing of 7000-year-old stone carvings of Toyota Corollas from the Xultún ruins in northern Guatemala, archaeologists confirmed that, weirdly, the Ancient Mayans correctly predicted the 2016 Toyotathon.
“This is an incredibly confusing discovery,” said dig site archaeological expert Blanche Sumpter, scratching her head and inspecting an ancient depiction of a 2016 Toyota RAV4 beside Q’anjobalan script loosely translating to “Don’t miss your chance to get 0% APR financing before January 1.” “It’s beyond me how the Ancient Mayans knew that Toyotathon would offer such incredible deals this holiday season.”
Reports indicate that the Mayans also demonstrated a bizarre, prophetic awareness of the 2016 Toyotathon ad campaign.
I won’t beat around the bush: I kill a lot of deer. I have a PSE Brute hunting bow that I keep in my closet, and I use it to kill deer for sport in the woods behind my apartment complex. That should be legal, and guess what? It is.
Packing up their notation pads and chess clocks after another lackluster meeting, members of the Fort Madison High School chess club confirmed they consider this year a chance to rebuild.
Smiling ear to ear, 9-year-old Tyler Fenn was fortunate enough to catch an errant javelin thrown by Trinidadian gold-medalist Keshorn Walcott. Fenn managed to snag the deadly weapon, which was hurtling towards the crowd at 70 miles an hour, from the air without being impaled or incurring serious injury.
Sources at a Flint, Michigan Holiday Inn confirmed that Gordon Hoffman, rhythm guitarist of the soft rock band Blush Haven, left his hotel room a little messy after a one-night stay on tour. Promoting Blush Haven’s new EP, Smile Under The Rug, Hoffman brought two or three sober fans back to his hotel room after a show and ended up moving some furniture around and leaving a bit of clutter.
Picking up his pace and growing gradually more suspicious, Lenny Priest can’t shake the feeling he’s following someone. Priest, who has been walking behind the same man for several blocks, says he has grown increasingly worried that he is tailing this person on purpose and that he intends to harm him.
On his hands and knees to fix a little wobble in the lectern, the Honorable Judge Jon Coates is always using his gavel to fix things around the courtroom, sources confirm.
“It’s sort of like a hammer,” said Coates, using his court robe sleeve to wipe sweat off his forehead after a long day of leveling the jury box using only the small wooden mallet.
Saying they don’t want to die because they’re virgins, a group of high school seniors made a pact Thursday to have sex before they end up as virgin boy sacrifices to the omnipotent Mother Zanzadu.
“Listen up, gentlemen,” said Clarke Dietz, a charismatic seventeen-year-old eligible for sacrifice every time there’s a full moon because he’s still a virgin.
Frantically digging upwards through the dirt with his hands and saying he feels like an absolute fool, gravedigger Solomon Dietz accidentally buried himself alive again. “Oh no,” said Dietz, trying not to inhale too much of the dirt he spent nearly an hour piling on top of himself before he realized he was trapped.
Citing slight but significant differences that probably place the two winged insect classes at constant odds, sources report that butterflies and moths must absolutely hate each other’s guts.
“They definitely hate each other,” said butterfly sanctuary patron Duane James as a butterfly landed delicately on his arm.
Coming up for air with a huge smile on his face, exuberant man Sherman Manlo shouted “Polo!” in response to absolutely no one while swimming alone in the middle of the Pacific Ocean, sources confirm.
“Polo!” shouted Manlo for the 10,000th time since intentionally jumping off of a commercial cruise ship and beginning to play this euphoric game of Marco Polo by himself.
Looking forward to finding out what winter is really like, Los Angeles native Richard Tully ‘19 expressed excitement at the prospect of seeing his first ever SnowBeast, one of the towering, 45-foot tall snow monsters that prowl the northern latitudes.
Joseph Ito, owner of the conveyor belt sushi restaurant Majikku, says he has no idea where all of the sushi actually comes from.
“One day the sushi just started coming out,” said Ito, his eyes wide with awe as he watched a spicy tuna roll pass by.
Throwing their mitts up into the air and bolting off in different directions, excited Boston Red Sox players still aren’t sure how they want to spend a 45-minute rain delay in a game against the Cincinnati Reds.
Sources indicate that the Red Sox, coming off a four-game losing streak, had been anxiously checking the weather reports for several days leading up to the game and compiling a list of notable parks, flea markets, and Segway tours around the Cincinnati metropolitan area.
Diving to stop a shot on goal from knocking over any of his things, FC Dallas keeper Lloyd Casey has clearly been living and sleeping in his soccer team’s goal.
Sources indicate that Casey, who frequently shows up to practice wearing the same grass-stained uniform from yesterday, refuses to acknowledge that he has nowhere else to go and is keeping a two-burner stove, toiletries, and books in the net so he can live there.
Look, buddy. I’m not trying to start anything here, all right? I don’t want any trouble. All I want is to go home with my girl and ask her about her day and rub her shoulders and figure out what she’s doing tomorrow and bring her breakfast in bed when she wakes up and love her so much she resents me.
Wait, wait, wait. Slow down. You’re telling me that the man that just walked in, the one sitting at table nine, is two-time Academy Award-winning actor Christoph Waltz? He’s famous… And now he’s in my restaurant!?!
I can’t believe it! Christoph Waltz from “Django Unchained” eating my food, sitting in one of the chairs I picked out! I’m gonna faint.
According to a report released by the American Association of University Women, unpaid female interns receive only 78 percent as much job experience as their male counterparts.
“Companies are providing female interns with 22 percent less real-world job experience,” said report author Nancy Koegan.
Centered above a black futon covered in toenail clippings, scary man Bruce Harvey’s newly purchased picture of a naked lady with an albino boa constrictor wrapped around her torso really ties the whole room together, sources confirm.
“That should just about do it,” said the terrifying man as he stepped back to get a better look at the naked tattooed woman next to his mounted samurai sword and nunchuck collection.
Saying she is trying to keep her options open, Hallie Barnes ’16 can’t decide which city she wants to gentrify after graduation in the spring.
“I could see myself increasing property values and supplanting local culture in Detroit,” said Barnes, whose parents have promised to help her pay rent wherever she decides to displace low-income families after school.
Saying he closes his eyes real tight every time, licensed pilot Andy Flank reportedly only gets scared of flying during takeoff and landing, things that happen all the time in his line of work. “Whenever I take off or land a plane, it gets all shaky, and I hold my breath,” said the very experienced pilot of 15 years, adding that things get much easier once the plane he’s operating reaches cruising altitude.
Condemning them for overtly expressing racial biases that more progressive generations internalize and disregard instead, racist college student Lizzie Sutton says her grandparents are totally racist.
“The other day, my grandma referred to a Chinese cashier as an ‘Oriental,’” said Sutton to her appalled and only moderately less racist all-white friend group.
Emphasizing their great significance in 5th to 15th century warfare, Medieval Studies professor Cheryl Delano keeps talking about dragons like they actually used to exist during the Middle Ages, sources confirm.
“Professor Delano told us that the Byzantine Empire fell in 1453 when the Ottomans invaded Constantinople ‘on the backs of magnificent dragons,’” said student Greyson Winn ’18.
Professional bowler Rick Kaufman, who has competed in the Professional Bowlers Association for 10 years without a sustaining an injury, hopes he never accidentally drops the ball on his big toe.
“It hasn’t happened yet, but, man oh man, that would be a disaster!” said Kaufman, adding that he sighs with relief every time he gets a strike instead of dropping the 13-pound ball on his “big ol’ toe” and hopping up and down “like a buffoon.”
“I mean talk about an owie owieeee oh! My great big toe would be flattened like a pancake.” At press time, Kaufman was seen pumping his fist because he spared a 7-10 split without accidentally tripping and throwing himself into the gutter..
Margaret, my darling. I love you so much. When I look at you, my heart swells and I remember that I’m the luckiest guy in the whole world. Truly, you are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen, and I saw some unbelievable stuff on my two-week trip to Hawaii back in 2011.
Out of bed early for the fourth time this week, local man Joseph Alvarado is getting really annoyed with the loud sound of destruction right outside his home every morning.
“Every goddamn day I wake up to the sound of destruction crews tearing up the sidewalk and torching buildings on my block,” said Alvarado, sipping black coffee and rubbing his eyes.
I was born in Sacramento, Calif. in July 1983. My whole life, they told me Pluto was a planet. Fast forward to August 2006. All of the sudden the International Astronomical Union says Pluto’s not a planet anymore. So that’s it, Pluto is gone, right? Kaput? Wrong.
Winking at the prospective students and their accompanying family members, tour guide Keegan Todd ’18 clearly wants to fuck all 19 members of his tour group.
“If you shift your beautiful gaze past those gates, you’ll see the Rockefeller Library, or as we like to call it the Rock,” said Todd, flashing a boyish smile and prolonging eye contact with everyone in his tour group.
The students of Mrs. Henley’s algebra class really came together during fourth period to make their substitute teacher Genevieve Stockmann feel like absolute shit, sources confirm.
“Phoebe pretended to be me and I pretended to be Phoebe,” said student Monica Riu, adding that she drew a picture of Stockmann in a nursing home and passed it up to the front desk with the help of her peers, some of whom added insults about the teacher’s age in order to make her feel old and undesirable.
According to a new study released by the Animal Behavior Research Group at the University of Chicago, dolphins are the only other mammals besides humans that have good sex.
“Our findings indicate that dolphins have sex for pleasure and that they know all the good sex positions,” said Associate Professor Melina Kay.
Going on almost five minutes now without touching the soccer ball, goalie Jenna Kappenmacher is basically just friggin standing there, sources confirm. “She’s like a frickin log out there,” said spectator Grant Eartman as Kappenmacher waved her arms briefly and shouted something downfield—probably something like, “I’m lazy as hell and I’m just gonna effin stand around instead of helping my teammates.” “Come on Jenna, do something! Do anything!” At press time, Kappenmacher’s team was up 9-0 and she was still acting like a freakin human sloth.
Circling a ledge behind the library and telling his friends to come check it out, teenage boy Juan Menzes confirmed that he could totally skate that.
“I could skate it no problem,” said Menzes, adding that even though he boned his knee on that five-stair earlier, he could still easily land a bluntslide or nose manual off this concrete ledge.
Saying there is no horseplay allowed around the equipment because your hand could get torn off just like Lacy’s, middle school woodshop teacher Terrence Leonard is getting way too into one of his student dismemberment stories.
“Lacy Danielson was a student of mine a few years back,” said Leonard, his students listening with rapt attention.
Kids. They grow up so fast. One minute they’re so small you can fit ‘em in the palm of your hand, and the next minute you start blinking really, really slowly and you aren’t done until eighteen years later when they’re all grown up and out the door.
According to reports from his friends and classmates, Ronnie Sampson ’17 is mostly known for being that guy who always shouts “booyah!”
Worried she hasn’t learned a thing in almost a month of lecture, Mia Sodhi ’18 reported feeling like she was wasting her time in a class DJ’d by Diplo.
“It’s a 50 minute class, and it usually takes Diplo half that time just to set up all of his equipment,” said Sodhi, adding that even when the lecture starts, the loud electronic music makes it really difficult to take notes.
Condemning the excessive lifestyle of the extremely wealthy, rich person Riley Shelton ’16 reportedly made fun of richer person Mitchell Quinn ’16 for being rich.
“Mitch never uses up all of his meal credits because he just eats out all the time,” said Shelton, whose parents pay tens of thousands of dollars in college tuition every year while other people live on less than $10 a day.
In a fun, hands-on approach to learning about organized terrorism, 1,200 high school students from all over the state congregated in, and then seized, the Providence Hilton for the annual 3-day Model Terrorism Conference last weekend, sources confirm.
Noting that the two are always right next to each other and that they look pretty similar, sources confirm the salt and pepper shakers are most likely fucking. “They’re fucking all right,” said diner Duane James before biting into his pork chop.
Following years of animosity, unhappy couple Howard and Nora Werner are now just hugging at all times for the sake of their children, sources confirm.
“The kids are our top priority right now,” said Howard, his arms squeezed tightly around his estranged wife’s torso.
Saying that they hope to give customers a more integrated delivery experience, Domino’s Pizza announced a new technology enabling users to track the whereabouts of their pizza delivery guy at any given time. “Domino’s is committed to providing our clientele with up-to-the-minute information about the progress and exact location of our employees, from prep, to delivery, to wherever they decide to go afterward and for the rest of their lives,” said Domino’s Head of Media Relations Tim McIntyre, adding that the company is working alongside satellite providers to ensure pinpoint accuracy.
Saying that he was pumping his fist and walking slowly back to the alley’s wooden benches, sources reported that it is apparent that local dad Pat Benson really needs this bowling game right now.
Benson, who has beads of sweat on his forehead, has reportedly played three consecutive games with his two children without allowing bumpers.
While waving his arms around and yelling at the referee, Wisconsin Badger’s head basketball coach Bo Ryan was reportedly wearing a full on $4,000 Giorgio Armani tuxedo.
“Coach Ryan is as good as they get,” said Badger’s forward Sam Dekker as Ryan dabbed the sweat off his forehead with a custom black silk necktie.
Causing a delay of game, Jacksonville Jaguars kicker Josh Scobee reportedly forgot to bring his kicking foot today.
Sources confirm that the Jaguars trailed the Buffalo Bills by two when Scobee finally admitted he had forgotten his foot somewhere at home.
Making loud, arrhythmic noises with his mouth into a microphone, 21-year-old beat boxer Juan Robles is very, very bad, sources confirm. “Beat boxing sounds good sometimes, but when Juan does it, it sounds really bad!” said concertgoer Mickey Piddman, citing Robles’ inability to hold a steady bass line or complement the melody with inspired syncopation.
Despite the instructor’s best efforts, students and faculty confirm that Professor of Environmental Studies Edgar Hamline’s facial hair is clearly just thousands of black ants he put on his face.
“He’s not fooling anyone,” said Halle Weaver ‘18, noting that beards don’t crawl around and that ants are incredibly easy to identify.
Inspecting the grass stains on his knees from when he played red rover, local kid Willy Peterson realized that he was incredibly dirty and a bath was imminent.
Peterson has reported numerous signs of a forthcoming bath, including the chilling absence of his mom for the last 20 minutes and the faint smell of bubble bath.
Condemning the sexist culture of cosmetics that promotes the objectification of women, feminist man Owen Bern prefers women that don’t wear makeup, provided they are naturally beautiful enough to pull it off.
“Makeup only serves to reinforce ridiculously high standards of feminine beauty,” said Bern, whose belief in gender equality renders him more attracted to women that don’t require makeup to look conventionally attractive.
Cementing herself as the most popular kid in third grade, local nine-year-old Brenda Beckerman had all of her classmates sign her festering wound during snack break last Tuesday, sources confirm.
“Look at all the friends I have,” said Beckerman proudly as classmate Tony Gilligan prepared to write, “Get well soon!” in sharpie on her exposed flesh.
It is on this Gorynx, the most sacred of days, we humans need remind ourselves of our inexorable ties to the goo. As the elders descend together into the corrosive goo trench, sacrificing their lives so that the young may feast on their dying flesh and rise from the goo into our glorious world, we must remember: it is goo from which we came it is goo to which we shall return.
I’ve spent my whole life living in the same small crawlspace. Here, it seems like everybody knows everybody else, and quite frankly, it’s starting to feel a little claustrophobic.
In a recent press release, cosmetics and haircare manufacturer L’Oréal announced that it would soon introduce a new revitalizing shampoo that’s great for straight and wavy hair but by no means deserves to be worshipped as a god. “After just two weeks of using the new Shea Voluminous Shampoo, your hair will be thicker and stronger,” said L’Oréal spokesperson Grant Brigham. “However, this product is not so great that it deserves your unwavering religious observance. That would just be ridiculous.”
According to various sources at the peewee baseball field in Holberry Park, an intense T-ball game between the Green Hornets and the Mighty Cubs is currently tied fun-fun in the bottom of the ninth inning. Sources confirm that the Cubs took an early lead in the second inning when first baseman Wendy Summers saw a pretty butterfly and chased it into the outfield, having so much fun that she smiled and waved at her parents in the bleachers.
Waiting by the front window and imagining the family car pulling into the driveway, local eight-year-old Benny Jensen is reportedly wondering when his entire extended family will come back home from buying those cigarettes.
“We’re just going to make a quick run to the Gas-N-Go!” said Jensen’s parents, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, and thirty-two cousins before driving off in sixteen family cars nearly 72 hours ago.
According to a report put out by several of his close friends and acquaintances, local man Greg Stavig looks very stupid when he runs. “Look at that weird thing Greg is doing with his arms,” said co-author of the report Ali Manzoni, also noting that when Stavig runs he scrunches up his face like he’s constipated or something.
According to various sources at WaterFire last Saturday evening, freezing and thirsty man Lou Egan was extremely disappointed that the esteemed downtown Providence event offered no water for him to drink and no fire to warm him up.
“I just don’t understand,” said Egan, shivering violently and licking his dry lips with his dry tongue.
Warwick’s annual pumpkin pie-eating contest took an unexpected turn last Saturday when competitive eater Joey “Jaws” Chestnut was eaten alive by more competitive eater, Pete “The Mouth” Mahoney.
Sources confirm that Mahoney was falling slightly behind in the race when he made the decision to consume his competition.
Calling it a humbling experience, local man Lyle Stewart realized just how small his penis is while looking up at the stars late Thursday night.
“As humans, we get so wrapped up in our day-to-day lives—the car we drive, the work we do. It’s easy to forget that we live in an incomprehensibly vast universe,” said Stewart, looking up at the expanse of stars in the night sky.
According to a recent study released by the American Sociological Association, 64 percent of people that are lying on the ground are part of a group of people lying on the ground in such a way that their bodies spell out a word.
The miracle of birth is a beautiful thing to witness. After nine long months of waiting and making the necessary preparations, this newborn comes into your life and nothing will ever be the same. And I’ve got to tell you: there’s nothing like the first moment you hold your child in your bionic arms.
As per a recent statement issued by New York Mets General Manager Terry Collins, starting catcher Travis d’Arnaud will be traded for a mint condition Mike Piazza rookie card.
Before placing an order for Diet Coke and the spinach dip appetizer last Tuesday night, sources confirm, clever man Gavin Slone convinced the waitress at a local restaurant that it was his birthday when, in fact, his birthday was last April.
“Yeah, it’s actually my birthday today,” Slone informed the waitress immediately after she introduced herself to the table, his mastery in the art of deception on display.
The question has been raised frequently in recent years: will robots one day make up a majority of the global workforce? In fact, the rapid technological advancement of the modern world indicates this will soon become a reality <beepbop.
It may seem like the stuff of science fiction, but many scientists believe machine labor will render half of today’s jobs obsolete within the next half-century.
Son, I think you’re old enough to hear that the world is not always a great place. There are some people out there that are going to mean for no apparent reason, and most of the time they’re just doing it to get a rise out of you. But you need to be firm.
With growing concerns that he will not finish his seven-page paper on time, anthropology concentrator Alan Chavez ’15 claims he is unable to focus on his schoolwork because he keeps getting distracted by the professional networking site, LinkedIn.
According to police officials, local 16-year-old Neal Abbott looked totally lame yesterday when he survived being rear-ended by a vehicle while bicycling with his helmet on like a loser.
“The vehicle was moving at about 35 miles per hour. Neal is very lucky he doesn’t have a serious head injury,” said Police Chief Pat Ortega in a public statement.
For thousands of years, sources confirm, man and frog have lived in peace as conquerors of their respective realms. Research suggests that man has flourished on solid ground thanks to his two legs and fingers for grabbing nuts and berries. Similarly, frog rules the swamp with his webbed feet and mucous coat for navigating mud and murky water.
In an effort to expand the local bird community, city officials recently knocked down a 10-inch wooden bird house, intending to erect a new bird mall in its place. A report from the urban planning committee stated that the bird mall will contain 20 bird stores and a mixed-use bird feeder food court.
Claiming he has the worst parents in the whole world, unborn fetus Jacob Ricks says he is sick and tired of always being treated like he is a little embryo. “I’m a fetus now, but my parents act like I am just beginning to show the first signs of brain activity—it’s so obnoxious!” said the 24-week-old fetus.
Hugh Fraser, an unemployed 27-year-old living in his parents’ basement, reportedly spends an average of six hours each day at the beach with his metal detector. “You never know what you’re gonna find in the sand," said Fraser. “Watches, necklaces, iPods, my father’s approval that I’ve been longing for ever since I began disappointing him at a very young age.”
“Still haven’t found that last thing,” Fraser added.
With the annual sled dog race from Anchorage to Nome only two weeks away, sled dog teams are gearing up for the long and icy journey. However, several dogs from one team have come forward with concerns about the 1,131-mile run through the Arctic north, suggesting that it might be easier to complete the race if they could run on solid ground instead of snow.
With a total of 550 pints of blood collected during the University’s most recent and most lucrative blood drive to date, the student body is making preparations for what promises to be the greatest Slip ’N Slide ever. The event, to be held on the Main Green sometime next week, will be a celebration of the community’s generosity and a way to relieve some stress before midterms.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
