“Although avoiding the BDH altogether is advised, if you must come in contact with the paper we strongly suggest washing up for at least 20 seconds," Perkins added. “You also may have heard that reading the BDH online is safer. We don’t yet have solid data on this, so we urge Americans to avoid the web edition as well. It’s better to be safe than sorry in these situations.”

“People have been asking us when it will be safe to ease up on these common-sense measures,” Perkins continued. “It’s hard to say. To be frank, washing your hands after coming in contact with the BDH will likely become a permanent part of the American people’s daily lives.”

“The Brown Noser, on the other hand, is healthful for the mind and body. Great paper.”