Students across campus are scratching their heads after a recent email from the University doubled as a cute little game of two truths and a lie. The email, titled “Reopening Plans For Spring 2021 Semester,” notified students that it would present its announcements in the form of the classic party game.
In a modern twist, star-crossed lovers Rob Garcia and Jessica Winters have found themselves confined to opposing pods.
“Every day I yearn to escape from this heart-wrenching prison,” explained Garcia, referring to their tragic confinement to university-enforced social bubbles.
Fuming sophomore Jackson Smith recently gave his professor a scathing four out of five on her end-of-course survey.
“I hated that class,” reported a livid Smith. “I knew I couldn’t keep my outrage bottled up — and so I didn’t.”
“Some might say giving her a four on Professor Preparedness was too harsh,” the hothead admitted.
The Rhode Island Department of Health has released a statement reminding Americans that they should wash their hands after any contact with the Brown Daily Herald. “We know that most people are already taking this very obvious precaution,” said Department spokesperson Charlotte Perkins.
Students across the world report that the tables at home just aren’t the same as V-Dub’s gummy, gluey countertops.
“Sure, I might spill a soda on my kitchen table,” said Mike Woods ’22, glaring at his table. “But once I wipe it up there’s no more stickiness! How am I supposed to live like this for six months?”
“I’d forgotten that most tables provide none of that sweet, sweet elbow traction,” explained Violet Zhang ’21 as she ran a longing finger across her barren kitchen counter.
Heartless first-grade teacher Helen Green recently added a class rule after “have fun,” sources report. “Rule number one, of course, is ‘have fun,’” Ms. Green declared, mere moments from despoiling the goodwill she had just created among her students by despotically etching the oppressive order onto the chalkboard for all to see.
A recently-published biology textbook chapter nearly forgot to mention sickle cell anemia, student Naomi Ford reports. “When I was about halfway through Chapter 23 I started to sense that something was wrong,” Ford explained. “It wasn’t until I’d read through three-quarters of the chapter without seeing a single reference to the abnormally-shaped red blood cells that I doubled back to look for the crucial page — or pages — I’d skipped.