Reports indicate that feminist man Jack Walker thinks you should smile less. “I just think if you smiled less you’d look a lot smarter,” Walker said, adding that women only smile because of sexism. “Believe it or not, you’re more than just your looks.
It is becoming increasingly obvious to audiences that theater choreographer Grace Patton has never seen a real fight.
“At first I thought the dance-fighting was supposed to be symbolic,” explained audience member Harry Lin as the actors gestured painedly toward one another from a safe distance.
Reports indicate that Page-Robinson Hall’s entrance is but a cozy mirage masking the coldness within and without.
“It was like 20˚F outside, and I was looking for somewhere to work,” recalled sophomore Anya Nussbaum, shivering at the memory of her desperate search for respite from the elements.
Reports indicate that networking junior Susan Park is striving to strike a balance between her descriptions of her research as “fascinating” and “incredible.”
“It was such an incredible opportunity,” Park told her conversational partner, carefully tallying the instances of each word in her head.
Reports indicate that modern musical Against the World features an anachronistic lack of misogyny despite being set in the 1950s. “I mean, at one point in the show the female lead made a decision,” audience member Laura Allens remarked, also perplexed at her lack of cooking ability.
Recent reports indicate that motion-activated lights going dark sent student Anna Adjuk into a spiral of questioning her reality. “I was working in an empty classroom when all of a sudden, darkness,” Adjuk recalled, her eyes flitting around the room in a panic.
Reports indicate that DPS’s recent timely warning wasn’t nearly timely enough. “The Brown University Department of Public Safety was notified of an incident at approximately 9:00 AM today,” began the 11:00 PM email. “It is our expectation that this message will allow students to promptly leave the affected area and take swift measures to protect themselves.” At press time, DPS urged students to avoid assault by being extra aware of their surroundings.
Reports indicate that junior Alan Singh, despite shopping twelve courses, will ultimately default back to his concentration requirements. “I really wanted to see what exciting interdisciplinary courses the open curriculum has to offer,” Singh said of the twelve courses that, according to University policy, would be impossible to fit into his schedule.
Reports indicate that today’s [i]New Yorker[/i] cartoon is utterly incomprehensible. “Am I the problem?” asked [i]New Yorker[/i] peruser Sandy Adams as she stared blankly at the cartoon couple standing in a small but ambiguous room above the caption “Good thing I didn’t eat the salad!” “There’s no salad in sight! Where is the salad?” At press time, the [i]New York Times[/i] crossword clue was complete gibberish.
Reports indicate that the cover of a recently-assigned textbook is extremely abstract.
“When I saw the textbook for the first time, I was transported to a modern art gallery,” reported freshman Morgan Park, transfixed by the lovely fields of color adorning the cover.
Sources report that one magnificent footnote takes up most of the textbook page.
“I was reading through this 50-page chapter we’d been assigned, and I was definitely on the verge of dropping the class,” recounted student Lucas Lambert. “My whole perspective changed once I saw that mercifully tiny font.”
“The footnote just went on and on, like an unstoppable river that I thankfully did not have to traverse,” Lambert reported.
Reports indicate that history professor Jillian Colbert just let it slip that a recent 250-page reading wasn’t really necessary.
“I like to give you guys some background on the concepts we’re going to be covering in class before we start working with them,” Colbert explained, referring to the book that cost each student $35 but that they didn’t have to read.
Sources report that theater kid David Walker’s portrayal of a straight love interest is really starting to push audiences’ suspension of disbelief.
“Let me be clear, I was fully on board for the musical’s spells, talking plants, and levitation,” audience member Jane Nguyen explained.
Reports indicate that neuroscience concentrator Peter Chu is just in it for the animal cruelty.
“Some of my classmates tell me they’re studying neuroscience in order to better understand the human mind or to help treat neurodegenerative diseases,” Chu explained, probing a mouse’s brain with electrodes.
Reports indicate that the Ratty menu is once again breaking out the quotation marks.
“Today’s menu includes ‘Asian’-style wings, Asian-‘style’ wings, and Asian-style ‘wings,’” head chef Laurie Baker reported of the decision to rather cryptically hedge the Ratty’s bets. “Let’s just say the meal is in the approximate range of what you’d expect.”
At press time, the Ratty was making liberal use of the word “inspired.”
Sources report that a terrifying multiple choice question included both “all of the above” and “some of the above” as possible answers.
“Okay, two of the responses are correct, so there’s going to be an ‘all of the above’ option,” reflected student Cindy Gbeho as she began reading through the gut-wrenching list of possible answers.
Reports indicate that a showstopping 11 o’clock number from a new Broadway musical gets loud, quiet, and then loud again. “At the start of the song the protagonist’s emotions are completely raw, so of course she’s got to sing loudly," explained composer Olivia Anderson of her groundbreaking decision to toy with volume.
According to sources, the Jewish wintertime holiday of Chanukah is happening RIGHT NOW.
“Get ready to spend with your loved ones this holiday season because Chanukah is occurring RIGHT THIS INSTANT,” said sources flusteredly lighting their menorahs and sending last-minute dinner invitations to family.
Reports indicate that Sarah Roberts ‘24 recently removed her mask in order to better articulate her cough. “I wouldn’t want anyone to think I have a wet, mucous cough when I actually have a dry, heaving cough,” Roberts explained thoughtfully. “Everyone appreciated my clear communication. By next week, half the class had adopted my method.” At press time, Roberts delivered an unmasked presentation to her class that began with a strong thesis and a forceful sneeze.
Broadway lyricist Michael Mason recently dropped a “Monsieur” in the song he was writing just in case you forgot the story takes place in France.
“I was worried that the audience might lose their bearings without a helpful hint,” Mason explained sympathetically.
Sophomore Tom Meyer reportedly asked “What is history?” in the introduction to his essay written at 11:55 PM this past Wednesday.
“I was racking my brain for the perfect introduction,” Meyer explained. “I had four minutes until the paper was due and would need at least two minutes to upload and submit the file, and suddenly inspiration came to me.”
“What is history, and what does it mean to study it?” the pensive paper asks.
Reports indicate that 19th-century philosopher Henry Friedrich was so progressive that his Wikipedia page doesn’t even have a section titled “Antisemitism.”
“He really was a man ahead of his time,” Wikipedia reader Susan Walter reflected.
Sources report that the strict parents in a Disney movie are actually making some pretty great points.
“So a mysterious old man told you you’re the chosen one and you’re just going to believe him?” the very reasonable parents told their ten-year-old.
Sources report that a recently released stock image pathetically uses Scrabble tiles to spell out the concept “strength.”
“I thought, how can I show strength in a photo?” explained photographer Jen Lewis after releasing the dry, uninspiring image last Saturday, evidently unaware of the numerous non-Scrabble possibilities that could convey the concept.
Reports indicate that local eyewitness Katy Chen knows way too much to have just been a witness to a recent robbery.
“Yeah, I saw the thieves leaving through the shop’s little-known back door,” Chen told local news, sketching a detailed floor plan of the crime scene.
So you go to school at Brown, but your classes are on the computer? How exactly does that work? Do you guys still go to a classroom? You’re joking! You just stay in your bedroom all day? I’ve heard of taking classes in the classroom, but taking classes from your dorm, imagine that!
So how do you get to your online classes? Do you just log on to brown.com every morning? Or are you using that “Zoom” website everyone has been talking about? Well, you could definitely teach me a thing or two about that! At least you’re learning more about computers from all these Zoom classes, right? Always look on the bright side!
But if you have to stay in your room all day, how do you get food? Can’t get that over Zoom, can you? Ha, of course not! Oh, you can order delivery online? How fancy! Don’t get too used to it, we don’t all live in luxury like that!
So if you can’t go to class or get food, how do you make friends? Is that online too? Ah, “pods” — you know, the word still sounds like something out of a science fiction movie to me! Are those the same things as “bubbles?”
So then everything’s just on the computer? Wow, imagine that! Who knew you could do all of college right from your bedroom.
Students across campus are scratching their heads after a recent email from the University doubled as a cute little game of two truths and a lie. The email, titled “Reopening Plans For Spring 2021 Semester,” notified students that it would present its announcements in the form of the classic party game.
In a modern twist, star-crossed lovers Rob Garcia and Jessica Winters have found themselves confined to opposing pods.
“Every day I yearn to escape from this heart-wrenching prison,” explained Garcia, referring to their tragic confinement to university-enforced social bubbles.
Fuming sophomore Jackson Smith recently gave his professor a scathing four out of five on her end-of-course survey.
“I hated that class,” reported a livid Smith. “I knew I couldn’t keep my outrage bottled up — and so I didn’t.”
“Some might say giving her a four on Professor Preparedness was too harsh,” the hothead admitted.
The Rhode Island Department of Health has released a statement reminding Americans that they should wash their hands after any contact with the Brown Daily Herald. “We know that most people are already taking this very obvious precaution,” said Department spokesperson Charlotte Perkins.
Students across the world report that the tables at home just aren’t the same as V-Dub’s gummy, gluey countertops.
“Sure, I might spill a soda on my kitchen table,” said Mike Woods ’22, glaring at his table. “But once I wipe it up there’s no more stickiness! How am I supposed to live like this for six months?”
“I’d forgotten that most tables provide none of that sweet, sweet elbow traction,” explained Violet Zhang ’21 as she ran a longing finger across her barren kitchen counter.
Heartless first-grade teacher Helen Green recently added a class rule after “have fun,” sources report. “Rule number one, of course, is ‘have fun,’” Ms. Green declared, mere moments from despoiling the goodwill she had just created among her students by despotically etching the oppressive order onto the chalkboard for all to see.
A recently-published biology textbook chapter nearly forgot to mention sickle cell anemia, student Naomi Ford reports. “When I was about halfway through Chapter 23 I started to sense that something was wrong,” Ford explained. “It wasn’t until I’d read through three-quarters of the chapter without seeing a single reference to the abnormally-shaped red blood cells that I doubled back to look for the crucial page — or pages — I’d skipped.