Tuesday, October 19, 2021
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The Brown Noser

Ariel Stein


Ariel's articles

Broadway Lyricist Drops A “Monsieur” Just In Case You Forgot The Story Takes Place In France | Sep 17 2021

Broadway lyricist Michael Mason recently dropped a “Monsieur” in the song he was writing just in case you forgot the story takes place in France. “I was worried that the audience might lose their bearings without a helpful hint,” Mason explained sympathetically.

“What Is History?” Asks Essay Intro Written At 11:55 PM | Sep 17 2021

Sophomore Tom Meyer reportedly asked “What is history?” in the introduction to his essay written at 11:55 PM this past Wednesday. “I was racking my brain for the perfect introduction,” Meyer explained. “I had four minutes until the paper was due and would need at least two minutes to upload and submit the file, and suddenly inspiration came to me.” “What is history, and what does it mean to study it?” the pensive paper asks.

Progressive 19th-Century Philosopher Doesn’t Even Have Wikipedia Section Labeled “Antisemitism” | Sep 17 2021

Reports indicate that 19th-century philosopher Henry Friedrich was so progressive that his Wikipedia page doesn’t even have a section titled “Antisemitism.” “He really was a man ahead of his time,” Wikipedia reader Susan Walter reflected.

Strict Parents In Disney Movie Actually Making A Ton Of Good Points | Apr 09 2021

Sources report that the strict parents in a Disney movie are actually making some pretty great points. “So a mysterious old man told you you’re the chosen one and you’re just going to believe him?” the very reasonable parents told their ten-year-old.

Pathetic Stock Image Just Word Spelled Out In Scrabble Tiles | Mar 12 2021

Sources report that a recently released stock image pathetically uses Scrabble tiles to spell out the concept “strength.” “I thought, how can I show strength in a photo?” explained photographer Jen Lewis after releasing the dry, uninspiring image last Saturday, evidently unaware of the numerous non-Scrabble possibilities that could convey the concept.

Local Eyewitness Knows Way Too Much To Have Only Been A Witness | Feb 05 2021

Reports indicate that local eyewitness Katy Chen knows way too much to have just been a witness to a recent robbery. “Yeah, I saw the thieves leaving through the shop’s little-known back door,” Chen told local news, sketching a detailed floor plan of the crime scene.

So You’re At Brown, But You’re On The Computer? How Does That Work? By Your Aunt | Feb 05 2021

So you go to school at Brown, but your classes are on the computer? How exactly does that work? Do you guys still go to a classroom? You’re joking! You just stay in your bedroom all day? I’ve heard of taking classes in the classroom, but taking classes from your dorm, imagine that! So how do you get to your online classes? Do you just log on to brown.com every morning? Or are you using that “Zoom” website everyone has been talking about? Well, you could definitely teach me a thing or two about that! At least you’re learning more about computers from all these Zoom classes, right? Always look on the bright side! But if you have to stay in your room all day, how do you get food? Can’t get that over Zoom, can you? Ha, of course not! Oh, you can order delivery online? How fancy! Don’t get too used to it, we don’t all live in luxury like that! So if you can’t go to class or get food, how do you make friends? Is that online too? Ah, “pods” — you know, the word still sounds like something out of a science fiction movie to me! Are those the same things as “bubbles?” So then everything’s just on the computer? Wow, imagine that! Who knew you could do all of college right from your bedroom.

Email From The College Playing Fun Little Game Of Two Truths And A Lie | Oct 30 2020

Students across campus are scratching their heads after a recent email from the University doubled as a cute little game of two truths and a lie. The email, titled “Reopening Plans For Spring 2021 Semester,” notified students that it would present its announcements in the form of the classic party game.

Modern-Day Romeo And Juliet Confined To Opposing Pods | Sep 25 2020

In a modern twist, star-crossed lovers Rob Garcia and Jessica Winters have found themselves confined to opposing pods. “Every day I yearn to escape from this heart-wrenching prison,” explained Garcia, referring to their tragic confinement to university-enforced social bubbles.

Fuming Student Gives Professor Scathing 4/5 On Course Feedback Survey | Apr 24 2020

Fuming sophomore Jackson Smith recently gave his professor a scathing four out of five on her end-of-course survey. “I hated that class,” reported a livid Smith. “I knew I couldn’t keep my outrage bottled up — and so I didn’t.” “Some might say giving her a four on Professor Preparedness was too harsh,” the hothead admitted.

RI Health Department Reiterates That Americans Should Wash Hands After Touching BDH | Apr 24 2020

The Rhode Island Department of Health has released a statement reminding Americans that they should wash their hands after any contact with the Brown Daily Herald. “We know that most people are already taking this very obvious precaution,” said Department spokesperson Charlotte Perkins.

Report: Tables At Home Just Aren’t The Same As V-Dub’s Sweet, Sticky Countertops | Apr 24 2020

Students across the world report that the tables at home just aren’t the same as V-Dub’s gummy, gluey countertops. “Sure, I might spill a soda on my kitchen table,” said Mike Woods ’22, glaring at his table. “But once I wipe it up there’s no more stickiness! How am I supposed to live like this for six months?” “I’d forgotten that most tables provide none of that sweet, sweet elbow traction,” explained Violet Zhang ’21 as she ran a longing finger across her barren kitchen counter.

Heartless Elementary School Teacher Adds Rule After “Have Fun” | Mar 06 2020

Heartless first-grade teacher Helen Green recently added a class rule after “have fun,” sources report. “Rule number one, of course, is ‘have fun,’” Ms. Green declared, mere moments from despoiling the goodwill she had just created among her students by despotically etching the oppressive order onto the chalkboard for all to see.

Biology Textbook Chapter Almost Forgets To Mention Sickle Cell Anemia | Dec 06 2019

A recently-published biology textbook chapter nearly forgot to mention sickle cell anemia, student Naomi Ford reports. “When I was about halfway through Chapter 23 I started to sense that something was wrong,” Ford explained. “It wasn’t until I’d read through three-quarters of the chapter without seeing a single reference to the abnormally-shaped red blood cells that I doubled back to look for the crucial page — or pages — I’d skipped.