“I thought maybe the yodeling was a transparent attempt to get the cowboy vote and that that was a little strange,” said Cicero, as the former Secretary of State stopped her speech mid-sentence and began beating on a scarecrow labeled “MEAT” with an aluminum baseball bat, presumably to prove to vegetarian third basemen or someone how relatable she is. “But the top hat doesn’t really fit with that. You’d wear a top hat if you were trying desperately to win over turn-of-the-century robber barons. Or the monopoly guy. Or Slash.”

Cicero added that none of those demographics were especially prominent in Tallahassee, so she really had no idea.

Clinton’s stump speech hit on her usual talking points. She discussed her record and her experience as a “progressive who gets things done,” before leading the willing crowd in a tai chi workout while her disembodied head spoke the word “millennial” over and over again in a slow monotone crescendo in a video projected behind her.

While most of the fairly obvious attempts to score points with whomever she was trying to score points with appeared to confuse the Florida audience, Cicero admitted to finding Clinton’s blindfolded knife-throwing routine fairly compelling. “I’m a fencer, so when she hung 20 feet above the stage from a rope tied around her ankle and fired knives into the target as she gently twirled above our heads, it kind of worked for me. It’s good to see a candidate who cares about some of the same things I do, and also millions of other things I presume someone somewhere must care about.”

Cicero mentioned she was planning to vote for Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders, because she agreed with him on policies, trusted his record of not taking corporate money, was worried about Clinton’s willingness to change her views whenever it became convenient for her to do so, and was a virulent sexist.