Kent's articles
Saying that they were really “going all-in” when they admitted the 17-year-old Miami native, Brown University Dean of Admissions James Miller confirmed the Admission Office was “taking one hell of a swing” on Lance Geller. “The stars who burn brightest sometimes fizzle out, and based on his essay Lance could be a supernova,” said Miller, pointing out that Geller's applicant profile led them to believe he might be the type of student to become UCS President, but noting that this by no means doomed Geller to contribute to the undergrad community in an entirely vapid and ultimately meaningless way.
After hanging up the phone and thinking hard for a few moments, gender studies concentrator Angela Lingenberg ‘17 admitted she was having difficulty understanding why her impenetrably dense elaboration of “intersectional and constructed gender identity” wasn’t getting through to her father Jim, a welder, and mother Laura, a shift manager at the local CostCo.
Proudly announcing that they had finally regained the ability to speak full sentences without begging their captors to just let them die, University President Christina Paxson released the two senior students who will speak at this year’s commencement ceremony from their re-education chambers deep in the basement of University Hall.
Turning down the brightness on his phone and tilting the screen away from his circle of friends, sources at a small party on Governor St. report that Hayden Jackson ‘18 was hastily Googling “how to rip bong” before the vessel reached him. “Hey man, I can light it for you,” offered Jackson’s friend Greg Thompson ’18, as Jackson tapped from page to page in a frenzied attempt to determine which holes he should blow into and when he should cough satisfactorily.
Coldly offering to promote an exchange of ideas between campus and city, University officials threatened today to give back to the greater Providence community in a joint address with Providence Mayor Jorge Elorza. The warnings of a supposed “cross-cultural and mutually beneficial experience” come in response to renewed complaints on behalf of the city that Brown doesn’t pay its fair share of taxes and preys on communities through aggressive land grabs on and off College Hill.
Wow. It’s unbelievable to me that we’re less than a month out from graduation. I’ve been thinking about the future, sure, and reminiscing on all my favorite moments in and out of the classroom, but most of all I want to raise a glass to the Class of 2016.
I’m going to start this off with something simple. Sexism exists. It’s real, folks, and it’s bad. Sexism means women getting paid 79 cents on the dollar, it means women’s reproductive rights being under constant threat, and it means women going without role models in positions of power.
Speaking publicly in the wake of a U.S.-led air strike outside the port city of Mukalla in southern Yemen, President Barack Obama promised swift, decisive action to counter what he called “a serious threat to national security.” The attack, carried out by what the Pentagon believes to have been two teams of highly-trained F-22 fighter pilots taking orders from the Pentagon, resulted in several dozen dead and over 50 wounded.
Advising his chief of staff to go on ahead and promising he would catch up in a second, Republican Presidential Candidate John Kasich announced his plans to rest for a moment in the snow, where he had stumbled and fallen. Kasich, who experts generally concur does not have a viable path to the nomination, reportedly muttered something about how warm he felt and let his eyes slip closed before deciding to go forward with the unplanned campaign stop.
Adding another scandal to a recently tumultuous career, decorated Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps has been disqualified from the 2016 contests after he was caught torrenting the Portuguese-language edition of Rosetta Stone in an illegal attempt get a leg up on his competition.
Condemning their strong arms and ability to sleep restfully through the night, members of the “Baby Boomer” generation born in the years after World War II have criticized Millennials for having younger, stronger, and more virile bodies. Boomers are reportedly frustrated that the younger people feel entitled to the ability to lift more and walk further without complaining about sore knees or backs.
As part of her continuing effort to flesh out the world of her popular book series “Harry Potter,” author J.K. Rowling revealed in a tweet that Ginny Weasley died tragically in Ramadi, Iraq after a firefight with Islamic State insurgents.
Rowling’s tweet, “Today marks one year since Ginny Weasley was killed by an ISIS wizard.
As part of an increased effort to get U.S. citizens to vote against their own interests, the Republican Party has put out a new TV spot encouraging young people across the country to vote ironically. Facing troubling polling numbers in the 18-29 demographic, the RNC has reportedly given up trying to win over young people and instead is trying to convince them that conservative candidates are despicable enough to deserve their ironic support.
Reflecting the general sense of confusion that settled over a Hillary Clinton rally in Tallahassee Florida, attendee Joanna Cicero expressed uncertainty as to whom the candidate was trying to pander with her yodeling routine. Clinton, wearing a white top hat with flames on it, yodeled for a full three minutes before jumping into her stump speech.
Responding to grassroots pressure originating from Tumblr and picked up by the mainstream media, Illumination Entertainment announced that the sequel to their animated hit “Minions” will prominently feature a Minion of Color. This will be the first time a Minion of Color will have ever been represented in film or television.
I like Ben Stiller. I like "Zoolander." I like "Meet The Parents." I like "Night at the Museum." I like "Tropic Thunder." I like "Meet The Fockers." I like "Reality Bites." I like "The Secret Life of Walter Mitty." I like "Night at the Museum 2." I like "Along Came Polly." I like "Starsky and Hutch." I like "Greenberg." I like "While We're Young." I even like "Night at the Museum: Secret Of The Tomb." I’m telling you all this so that you don’t think I’m being unfair when I say that it’s difficult for me to divorce my enjoyment of Mr. Stiller’s work from his bloody assassination of my Reaganite father in 1996.
Saying that he was looking forward to the summer months in particular, Houston Texans quarterback Brian Hoyer reportedly plans to use the offseason to rest his body and recover from the horrible brain injuries he sustained over the course of the season. Hoyer plans to take a few weeks off before he begins his offseason workout program, saying that he figures that’ll be enough to let the bruises heal and halt his memory’s inexorable decay.
Explaining just how much work it takes to even make it to the Olympics, Hammer Thrower Koji Murofushi expressed his desire to levy his 2012 third-place finish into some sort of endorsement deal, even one with a lower-tier brand like Quaker Oats or Cuties Tangerines.
Tearing up at the thought of all the people who watched and wished he'd get involved in a fiery wreck, retiring NASCAR driver Greg Biffle thanked his fans for their incredible support in constantly hoping they'd get to watch him slam into the racetrack wall at 170 miles per hour, potentially spiralling him into a stunning crash that would involve several other stock cars and hopefully a lot of flames.
Smiling ear to ear, 9-year-old Tyler Fenn was fortunate enough to catch an errant javelin thrown by Trinidadian gold-medalist Keshorn Walcott. Fenn managed to snag the deadly weapon, which was hurtling towards the crowd at 70 miles an hour, from the air without being impaled or incurring serious injury.
Far be it from me to complain, but I think this is a conversation that we need to have. It can be really tough to be a famous person on Brown’s relatively small, 6,000 undergrad campus. You may know me as a celebrity, but I’m also a student, who is trying to live and learn here just the same as you are, and I’m also a person, who has a right to some level of privacy.
Yawning mightily and allowing his head to dip slightly forward, James Corden, host of “The Late Late Show” on CBS, let himself drift off to sleep on air again, a problem that has been plaguing the variety show host almost every night since his program premiered in March.
Touting its slower processor and lower resolution screen, local father of two Henry Parr extolled the virtues of his refurbished Motorolo Droid X, a five-year-old smartphone for which he traded his Samsung Galaxy 5. “It’s touch sensitive, so that means you touch it and it responds,” bragged Parr, describing something that applies to all smartphones, including the more receptive device he traded in.
In what they refer to as a yearly tradition, all of biologist and writer Richard Dawkins’s friends and family members are reportedly expecting to receive another copy of his 2006 book “The God Delusion” for Christmas this year. Dawkins reportedly wraps up new copies of the book, which argues the logical case for atheism, and ships them across the country to his friends and family every holiday season.
Running a hand through his hair and leaning casually against the fold-out table, Charlie Hayward ’16 is clearly only attending the fifth Republican Debate to try and hook up with somebody. Hayward has appeared more interested in flirting shamelessly than snarkily criticizing the Republican candidates for president.
Looking forward to finding out what winter is really like, Los Angeles native Richard Tully ‘19 expressed excitement at the prospect of seeing his first ever SnowBeast, one of the towering, 45-foot tall snow monsters that prowl the northern latitudes.
In an email sent out to the entire student body, University President Christina Paxson announced that she had accidentally given away Brown’s entire $3.3 billion investment in an email phishing scam. Paxson reportedly thought the money would help a traveler stranded in London get home to the United States, at which point they would repay the University tenfold.
Saying that he knew a lot of people were watching and it only seemed fair, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck refuses to throw a second touchdown to any particular receiver until everyone on his team has gotten the chance to catch one.
“I’m sure Coby [Fleener] will have plenty of other opportunities to catch touchdowns,” said Luck, who declined to throw what would’ve been the veteran tight end’s second score when Fleener was open in the endzone, electing instead to take a sack for a loss of eight yards.
Genetics researcher Cheryl Kohn chooses to believe that everyone on Earth has at least a little bit of God’s DNA hidden somewhere in their genetic code. Kohn thinks that it would be nice if that particular gene is the one that makes people smile.
“It just seems like something He would do,” said Kohn, noting that even bad people must have at least a little in common with God on some cellular level.
In a stroke of incredible luck, Transportation Security Administration agent Gerry Caldwell found a three-pound block of C4 plastic explosives at the bottom of a large black suitcase he was tasked with inspecting.
“Lots of agents go their whole careers without even finding a gun or knife,” said Caldwell, who added that he was sad to see the explosive device be carted off so quickly.
In what has been hailed as a “bold and confusing mistake,” Greyhound has challenged American Airlines to see who could safely transport 100 passengers 2,700 miles across the United States in a shorter amount of time, a publicity stunt that is sure to result in failure and embarrassment for the bus company.
Warwick resident Shauna Maxwell, who has recently started watching “The Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt,” is still in the process of deciding which characters in the Netflix sitcom she wants to have sex with each other.
“My first thought was that Kimmy and Titus should fuck,” said Maxwell, who usually gives shows a few episodes before deciding which fictional people she thinks should have implied sex.
On the cusp of reaching his middle age, Daniel Black has yet to decide whether he wants to keep growing older or start to age backwards. Faced with the momentous decision to either continue to decay until his death or gradually revert to an infant state and eventually disappear into nothing, Black has been carefully weighing his options regarding how he’d like to spend his last forty years on Earth.
Stressing once again that he thought it could be really cool to watch, Nissan executive board member Greg Kelly pitched an advertisement in which two Nissan cars crash into each other at high speed on a highway or a race track.
“On one side, a shiny, red Maxima.
Praised for its commitment to a complex, serialized narrative, television drama “Promontory Point” features a “previously on” segment that covers almost all of recorded human history. The show, which follows the impact of a mine closing in a close-knit Utah town, spends nearly 40 of its weekly 44-minute run time glossing over major developments since human beings started practicing agriculture nearly 10,000 years ago.
Saying that he was flattered by the offers but that they were getting to be too much of a drain on his time, Michael Hershey ‘19, a student with fairly well-defined biceps and pretty nice calves, expressed his desire that everyone stop trying to sleep with him.
After being pressured into torching yet another of her out-of-shape friends in the 200 meter, U.S. sprinter Allyson Felix expressed her frustration with friends and family asking her to race them during dinner parties. “Running is my livelihood,” said the six-time Olympic medalist, who was asked to run just a small race for the guests between salad and the main course, and implored to race for a little longer while they waited for dessert.
Embarrassed by his mother’s insistent questioning, Marshall Hankin ’19 already wishes she would stop asking him whether he’s fucked anyone yet.
“Not everyone in college just pairs or triples off and fucks all day,” said Hankin, noting that whether he was fucking a nice girl or boy or not, it didn’t seem like any of his mom’s business.
Already known for his skill in performing backflips, sources report that Brent Montgomery ‘19 is even better at finding or making opportunities to perform the gymnastic stunts.
“Brent is really good at taking any statement out of a conversation and using it to segue into talking about backflips,” said Montgomery’s roommate Bryce Stapleton ‘19, adding that Brent’s conversational transitions into the backflips are usually flawless, even if his actual landings can be sloppy.
Saying that it’d take more than a slightly lowered pitch and affected southern drawl to fool them, listeners reported that the day’s guest on NPR’s “Fresh Air” was obviously just host Terry Gross doing a voice.
“I don’t know why she thought this was going to work,” said Lisa Wainwright, who thought about calling in and letting Gross know that everyone knew but decided to see how it would play out.
Calling it a revelation in mapping technology, Google CEO Eric Schmidt unveiled a new plug-in for Google Maps that displays all the potential locations of McDonald’s restaurants that would exist if we lived in a utopia governed by unfettered free-market capitalism.
A recent report by the Mayo Clinic argues that due to advances in life-extending technologies that fail to make the world better for the majority of the world’s population, the first person who will suffer through 150 years of life has likely already been born.
Though glad their father is spending less time on the couch, Mike Sampson’s two daughters expressed concern that his new hobby might be non-state terrorism.
“It’s good that he has something to do, and it’s cheaper than buying a boat,” said Sampson’s teenage daughter Cynthia, noting that her father has seemed happier since he started reading up on conspiracies and ordering mysterious mechanical components on the internet.
Sources close to Kingston resident Matthew Arkell report that the 34-year-old hot air balloon enthusiast must not be familiar with planes, aircraft that move through the sky quickly and efficiently.
“It’s so amazing to go up there and just float,” said the delusional Arkell, clearly unaware of the fact that he could be in Europe in under seven hours if he took a plane, even a pretty slow one.
Describing the incident as “harrowing” and “bone-chilling,” white, male student Mike Easton expressed his confusion and discomfort after watching an episode of a television show not specifically created to attract and hold his attention.
“It was like something out of a Chuck Palahniuk novel,” said Easton of his experience absorbing the 45 minutes of video that did not explicitly cater to his every whim and expectation.
Viewers of the two-and-a-half minute commercial for DangerHat Studio’s new installment in the popular “Hero Circle” series expressed frustration that the trailer refused to define the term “cyber-scroll,” despite its multiple appearances and apparent importance.
Though they applauded the animation and visual style of the family film, viewers were reportedly unnerved by “Marco Returns To The Desert”’s narrative similarities to the second Gulf War.
The film follows kindhearted, naive bunny rabbit Marco’s attempts to make new friends in the desert.
When I think of the word America, I think of the Second Amendment. The Second Amendment guarantees my right to bear arms. I take advantage of that right. I take advantage of my freedoms, and sometimes I feel so free that I take my gun out of my gun closet and I fuck it.
Houston, we’ve had enough and we’d like to come down now. It was fun hanging out here on the moon for the first little bit, but when we realized you weren’t coming back to get us it became a lot less fun. We’re coming up on fifty years since we’ve seen our families.
I’m not going to lie to you. We’re in trouble. The prosecutor has the judge in his pocket and a whole staff of paralegals working day and night to put you away. All I can offer you is my word, but my word is good, and I swear to you that I am fully committed to either winning this case or losing it.
BlogDailyHerald, Brown’s most popular online publication, has started simply posting the names of various buildings on campus.
Jacqueline Muller ‘15 may still have four final exams in front of her, but the graduating senior is already looking forward to getting out into the world and making it worse.
Sources report that Mark and Jimmy Whitman ‘18 are always getting one another mixed up with the other. The two identical twins have always looked alike, but they still find it surprising that they mix each other up so often.
“It’s a bit embarrassing that even I can’t keep my twin brother Mark and myself straight,” said Mark, under the impression that he was Jimmy.
An independent congressional watchdog group revealed yesterday that Representative Kevin Cramer (R-N.D.) was for some reason being paid for votes by the toy company Hasbro.
Sources report that Cranston resident Timothy Collins is hoping to save enough money to eventually make it to Heaven, where he’d be able to live out the rest of eternity in God’s loving embrace.
“I know it may seem unrealistic,” said Collins, who holds a steady job at the local Holiday Inn but still has student loans to pay off.
A report put out by Rice University found that every person you walk past on the street is a potential good friend in the making.
“Every day, the average American walks past upwards of twenty people who would be happy to watch the game with them on Sunday or maybe even organize a day trip, but most of us just walk right by,” said lead researcher Dirk Stevens, adding that these friends may not always be be our best friends, but “a friend’s a friend.” "They may look imposing, but remember they are just as scared of you as you are of them.
The much-anticipated matchup between the Oklahoma City Thunder and the Houston Rockets came to a complete standstill as NBA Referee Tom Jenkins refused to restart the game clock until the Thunder’s Russell Westbrook apologizes for fouling Houston’s James Harden when the latter player attempted a layup.
Sources inside the MacArthur family living room reported that grandmother Ella Mae Whitmore was making sure to mention the race of everyone involved in the story she was telling.
“This nice young black boy bagged my groceries,” said Whitmore, adding a detail that would not recur or have any meaning for the rest of the story.
According to city employees, a community of intelligent, inventive orphans is thriving in the annals of the Woonsocket Municipal Junkyard.
The orphans, estimated to be aged from 3 to 14, have been making their homes among the rusting car frames and discarded steel girders for years, creating a surprisingly sophisticated makeshift community.
Detective John Samuels, M.D., Esq., (R-RI) reportedly has nothing to watch on television.
“When I head home after a long stakeout after a long shift at the hospital after a long day getting votes together for my charter school bill after hours preparing for my upcoming trial, I just want to relax in front of the TV,” reported Samuels, who also has to make time to raise his angsty 14-year-old daughter Megan and rambunctious 4-year-old son Tommy on his own.
The media elites in this country may have convinced you that guns kill people, but they don’t. There is no such thing as death! The idea that we as human beings somehow stop living—whether because of natural causes, disease, or bullets—is an elaborate fiction spun by those who mean to destroy us.
If I know anything about this world of ours, and believe me, I’ve been around long enough that I should, I know that you’re never gonna let this see the light of the day. Mark my words, this editorial will never be published in a newspaper, and if it is, why, I’ll eat my hat! See, I’ve sent in over 38 (38 and a 1/2) editorials to this paper and none of them have ever been printed.
NASA scientists recently announced that a thing from Earth touched down on a thing that’s in space.
“This is important,” said project lead Aaron Daniels, standing in front of a big television with a live feed from the thing’s camera. “This means something for the future of space travel.”
Despite representing a major accomplishment in and of itself, the Earth thing landing on the space thing is just one step in a series of explorations planned by NASA.
Chip Dwyer, the sixth string quarterback for the Cranston East Thunderbolts, can’t help but worry about the five other quarterbacks who left the game with injuries to clear the way for him to play in the matchup against the Lincoln Lions.
“I never expected Mike, Tim, Steve, Brad, and Brett to leave the game,” said Dwyer, who enters the game untested outside of practice.
It was revealed Thursday that the very notion that human beings could ever be good has all been an elaborate prank. Sources report that people are actually bad and there’s nothing that can be done about it.
“I cannot believe I fell for that!” said Boston resident Karen Thomas, shaking her head ruefully.
Fans of the popular “Legends of Aramor” series won’t have to say goodbye as early as they thought they would. Warner Brothers, the production company behind the first 18 of the “Aramor” movies, has decided to split the last book of the series into 3,200 separate installments with a collective budget of $640 billion.
Sources inside the palace report that Princess Carina of Varenport has entered minute seven of her descent down the majestic staircase that leads to the ballroom, smiling coyly the whole way.
Let’s be honest here: student debt is unsustainable. If we want to keep our students motivated, our economy healthy, and our lives, we must forgive all student loan debt so that students stop feeling pressured to become assassins.
You’ve heard it before, and you’ll hear it again: it’s every man for himself out there. You’ve heard it even more since all the dogs in the world were infected by a plague of radioactive fleas and began devouring everything in sight. It’s a dog-eat-dog, dog-eat-man, dog-eat-all world, but our only hope is to fight back together.
A new longitudinal study put out by the American Journal of Public Health revealed that the average American eats such an absurd amount of chocolate over the course of a lifetime that they refused to even publish the actual numbers. “It’s a lot,” reported head researcher Paul Corban, pushing an open folder off of his desk before anyone could catch a glimpse. “Jesus Christ, it’s so much.”
Giving a final tweak to the same sprig of mistletoe that he hangs up every December, area man Louis Morrow said that if he had to guess, this was going to be the year.
“It’s all up to you, little buddy,” he whispered to the plant, allowing himself a small smile.
Mary Collins ‘18 has only been at Brown for a little over two months but has already settled into a steady, supportive group of friends she will soon realize she doesn’t like at all.
“Yeah, we just sort of found each other,” said Collins of the people living in the dorm rooms to the immediate left and right of her own, and of whom she’ll very quickly get tired.
Smoke coiling behind him like a noxious cape of destruction, Morthak Vishtal, Chancellor-Elect of the sovereign continent of Kaitīg, announced that he was not ruling out any of his unbelievably vast range of options in order to keep things squalid and miserable for over 90% of the populous.
Sources all along 16th Street reported that New York Times op-ed columnist David Brooks was still out there yelling things. “I guess old Brooks is still out and about yelling about tax incentives and the imaginary middle," said one passerby, shaking her head ruefully. “I figured he’d have cut it out by now.”
You’re serious? What about center fielders? Shortstops? No way. There’s just no way all those guys get paid money for running around a field and swinging bats! I mean, it’s a good enough game, and I’d be lying if I told you I don’t tune in from time to time, but I’m just not clear on why they’d be getting compensated.
You may not have noticed this, but doctors do not sneeze. The truth is, the medical community developed a cure to sneezing over three decades ago and have not shared it with the public only because we think it is very funny when people sneeze.
After an unprecedented 110-point showing Thursday night, human Matt Barlowe has emerged as a standout player for the Bristol High School Timberwolves, a team otherwise made up entirely of adopted golden retrievers.
Responding to continuing demonstrations in the wake of the unlawful shooting and killing of unarmed black teenager Michael Brown by a white police officer, Ferguson Police Chief Tom Jackson urged protesters to take a couple hours to re-watch “Remember The Titans” and think about all that football team had to overcome.
Noting that the word carries with it uncomfortably truthful connotations of shadowy back-door dealing and disregard for human concerns in the pursuit of profit, the Corporation announced that it was in the process of devising a new, far less accurate name.
Darren Coleman, who recently spent over five days trapped under a boulder in Utah after a hiking accident, expressed worry that Hollywood had probably had its fill of inspirational stories about this sort of thing.
Coleman, whose story bears a remarkable similarity to that of Aron Ralston, the mountain climber immortalized in the popular film 127 Hours, even had to resort to sawing off one of his own limbs with a dull two-inch knife, although it was Coleman’s left arm that was stuck between the chockstone and the wall of the ravine, and not his right.
A recent poll of the toy chest found that nearly three quarters of the residents of TrainTown are unhappy with their pre-adolescent God-King Billy, who has drawn fire for his capricious and often brutal leadership style.
Billy’s administration has been wracked with scandal, from January’s Pokemongate to last month’s mass beheadings and subsequent mixed-up reheadings.
There are only so many jobs available, and you’re not the only one about to enter the market with a freshly minted degree. If you really want to succeed, you’ve got to stand out from the millions of faces, which is why I skin my competitors and sew their faces onto my own, wearing the visage of another like a grotesque mask.
Department of Public Safety officers shut down the Brown Human Sacrifice Club’s weekly ceremony last night after receiving an anonymous tip that the group had several unauthorized candles present at the event.
“We’re lucky we got there when we did,” said Officer Jane Dougherty, who interrupted the service after the first of that week’s student offerings had been slain, but before any of the candles—classified by the University as a severe fire hazard—had the chance to set the Kasper Multipurpose Room ablaze.
Sources inside the Sharpe Refectory confirm that the lunch date between those two students is not going well at all.
“The way he pulled out her chair for her was pretty cute, but it’s gone downhill from there,” reported Sally Caldwell ’16, seated at a table to the right of the couple.
The Undergraduate Council of Students placed 12th this year at the annual Mock Student Government Conference, falling behind the Cornell Student Assembly by a wide margin, but eking out a hard-fought victory over the University of Phoenix Forum Moderators.
The United Nations fun-fact finding mission dispatched to Syria revealed their findings yesterday, stating that they encountered only trace evidence of fun facts in the region and advising governmental bodies to proceed accordingly.
The 12-country team that spent the past several weeks attempting to find out what made Syrians fun and interesting people discovered that many are too concerned with the ongoing conflict to think of little exciting tidbits of information about themselves.
After making a questionable call during the third quarter of last night’s Heat-Spurs matchup, NBA Referee Tom Jenkins was too embarrassed to admit that he did in fact forget his glasses at home.
Comparative Literature concentrator Jeffrey Pastis ‘14.5 still refers to any text divided into sections as a chapter book. “My work focuses on turn-of-the-century chapter books, and the transition from realism to symbolist and proto-modernist strategies,” said Pastis of his thesis, a detailed review of turn-of-the-century Russian literature.
The University moved forward yesterday with a plan to buy even more stupid little tables that aren’t good for anything and will only ever be used when the better tables around them have been taken.
“Students have just responded so positively to Andrews Commons,” reported Dean of the Office of Residential Life and Dining Services Adrian Shinsky, “and we’re sure it’s at least in part because of all the knee-high surfaces that are too low for the chairs so you have to sort of arch your back to reach your food.
I love you, darling. You are worth so much to me. You’re my friend, my lover, my confidante, my partner in crime. You mean everything in the world to me. It’s hard to put into words how I feel about you, because I have trouble differentiating between you and, say, a box of crackers, prescription toothpaste, a game of tetherball on an elementary school playground, and a disgruntled albatross.
Audiences across America were surprised Thursday to find that “The Perfect Game,” which follows fictional Minor League team The Frankfort Beagles through a turbulent season, was not only concerned with America’s favorite pastime, but also featured characters who love and hurt just like the rest of us.
Citing the growing crowdedness of College Hill and the need for the University to increase enrollment, University President Christina Paxson’s Strategic Plan calls for expansion into Providence’s Jewelry District and The West Bank, area still disputed by Israel and Palestine.
Area man Joe Donnellson’s recent metaphor was deemed by his peers to be just a little too ambitious for this football game. Friends of Donnellson reportedly felt that the metaphor, though impressively wrought, ultimately left them feeling confused by its somewhat overzealous comparison of a number of individual plays in the game to broader issues in our society and culture.
Central Intelligence Agency super spy Jules Boltzmann spends most of his time romancing women, turning away from explosions, and disabling bombs at the last possible second. The 15-year secret agent, whose story not only resembles an action thriller but also will undoubtedly someday be made into one, recently expressed the desire that his life could be more like another genre of movie, such as a superhero flick or a courtroom drama.
Sit yourself down and let me tell you about the way things are. In this great country of ours all you need to do to be as successful as I am is some hard work and a couple hundred years of systematic advantage.
I’m not saying everyone can do it, certainly not! You’ve got to have drive! You’ve got to have backbone! And you’ve got to have been propped up for generations by policies and cultural attitudes that unduly benefit you over your peers.
The Office of the Dean of the College recently put out a statement recommending that all undergraduate students complete at least 10 classes in the Computer Science department during their time at Brown, citing the importance of utilizing the Open Curriculum in such a way as to “make the most of the freedom you have, chart the broadest possible intellectual journey, and gain a substantive background in object-oriented, functional and procedural programming.”
“We want students to leave prepared for the outside world, and we think we’ve developed a set of suggestions that should help our undergraduates meet that goal,” said Associate Dean of the College Lucia Peregrin in a Q&A about the new Coding Our Future Initiative.
The Warwick Tavern has found an unexpected core market: a mix of rabbis, priests, and ministers. Barkeep Jack Berliotz recently noted that religious leaders made up the majority of his customers. “It’s not exactly what you’d expect,” he said on the matter.
I love this man. He’s always been there for me, and while he may be a little bland, I know he’s a stable presence in my life. Throughout the last 64 minutes, we’ve grown comfortable with each other. We’ve danced, or I’ve danced while he’s bobbed around, with a perfectly directed pinch of awkward.
Committed to keeping Brown a great place to be, the Corporation has recently approved extensive renovations on a whole bunch of things all over campus.
“We care about quality of life at Brown. That’s why we’re planning on renovating all these things,” said Executive Vice President for University Advancement Sylvia Reinholdt.
While he knows everyone is really excited about it, Christopher Hopkins ’14 just really doesn’t think this is a good idea, guys.
The junior, whose friends have recently come up with a plan for the remainder of the evening, has voiced his concern that it might actually not be the best idea and that maybe they shouldn’t do it, you know?
“Look, everyone, I don’t want to be that guy,” Hopkins remarked to friends, “but we should probably think this through.” The suggestion quickly came under fire by Allen Mimms ’14, who pointed out Hopkins’ prior history of being “that guy” throughout their two-year friendship.
Despite three years of rigorous study, humanities concentrator Alex Robinson ’13 is not entirely sure what classes he ended up taking.
Robinson, who will graduate in May with a degree of a nature he has yet to ascertain, expressed confusion when questioned on such obscure considerations as career prospects and concentration requirements.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
