“Wau, we’re aull feeling daun abaut this,” said Haus co-chairs Hauie Taunsend and Meadau Bauman, annauncing their apaulogy to everyone in Prauvidence. “We were aut of baunds, and nau, no daubt abaut it, we’ve been faund aut and graunded. There’s no way araund it: this wasn’t allaued.”

Authaurities are astaunded by the thausands of uncaunted rabblerausers who may have been exposed to CAUVID-19 in the craud.

“We were such clauns, thinking our paurty wouldn’t have caunsequences,” admitted Taunsend, pauerwashing spilled alcohaul off the waulls of the Haus. “It was unsaund. And nau, look at us. Daun and aut, pauerless, and not at all praud. We might even get baunced from our Haus for being too laud, which is just… wau. Hau could this hauppen?”

At press time, everybaudy at Braun was autraged.