“I think it’s a great way for loving couples to express their adoration for one another in sweet, well thought-out ways,” said 50 percent of respondents. “It’s a really important way to show that you care.”

“When?” said the other half of respondents. “Oh damn, is that next week?”

“The great thing about a holiday like this is that every other couple celebrates it, so you get to see who is proud of their partner and wants to show them off,” said the first half of the survey’s respondents. “Because, like, what are you afraid of?”

“Ummm, yeah, no I definitely have something planned for that day,” said the latter half of the survey’s respondents. “Wait, you mean tonight?”

“Even if, let’s say, you weren’t on the ball last time,” added the first 50 percent of respondents, “And then took your girlfriend to Denny’s, which was somehow full, and then made her pay because you ‘forgot your credit card’ at Dan’s house the other night when you were there to play Call of Warcraft or whatever, and then when you went home, you fell asleep on the couch before we could even watch a movie, and you’d forgotten to let the dog out, the dog who shat on the floor while your girlfriend was crying in the shower—even then, it’s a great time to have a special moment with your special someone!”

At press time, 100 percent of a couple was cheating.