Report: Everyone In Improv Group Has Kissed

Published Friday, September 17th, 2021
Filed under Campus Life

“Ok, so Eleanor and Jakob hooked up freshman year but it ended really badly after she caught him sucking face with Lane at our post-show party that September,” club president Debbie Schwartz ’22.5 explained, walking through the events that led to each possible pair of people in the group kissing each other. “To get revenge, Eleanor initiated a scene at our midnight Halloween show where she kissed Marc, who escalated the scene by kissing Lane and Tim, which of course made Jakob pissed so at that post-show party, he made out with Daphne.”

“Our new members, Bill, Adam, and Mel, all kissed after we played spin the bottle at initiation. Then, they kissed Jakob, Lane, and Marc on a dare during drinking games. And, of course, a week later Zack hooked up with Meg and Julia in the same weekend but didn’t tell anyone about it. So that wasn’t cool.”

“I kissed everyone for a silly video we made as a show promo,” Schwartz added, noting that, at the time, she was dating Marc, who was recovering from a breakup with Meg. “Things got messy after that since apparently Zack spread this rumor that I only wanted to star in the video in order to kiss Mel, which is so not true, but that’s how Marc and I broke up. Of course, a week later I caught him kissing Julia after Tuesday rehearsal, so we’re not talking anymore. I might set Meg and Mel up on a blind date just to make him mad.”

At press time, the group’s audition process involved a lengthy makeout sesh with each member.