Sizing up a small enamel pin featuring a bear and the phrase “Go Bruno,” Brown Bookstore manager Jasmine Gnudson insisted that the item was worth 40 bucks easy.
“This isn’t just any old knick-knack,” Gnudson said, inspecting the sleek lacquer on the nickel-sized pin.
Welcome! Please scan your items and follow the system prompts. Then, quick, come in close and give me a little smooch. They won’t even see.
If you have an ExtraCare card, please scan now. And then just lean in and kiss me. Real quick-like. A tiny peck.
Cleverly outsmarting his German Shepherd, sources report that area man Shilo Kraft has found that he can get his pet to take its meds by sneaking them into piles of shit.
“Goose used to hate taking his antibiotics,” Kraft explained, checking that the dog was safely asleep before he began concealing the pills in mounds of shit in the backyard.
Anxiously checking over her shoulder as she entered Urban Outfitters’ intimates sections, area woman Carla Mipp was reportedly behaving as though she were buying cocaine rather than browsing the store’s collection of panties.
“She was trying not to look interested,” fellow shopper Meg Buffalo recalled, describing how Mipp was initially skirting around the panties display as if she were meeting a dealer of hard drugs in an alley.
Cracking a slight grin as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a window, sources report that area hot man Doug McBriddle smiles a little every time he remembers that he’s hot. “Oh yeah, I’ve got it going on,” McBriddle muttered under his breath, a movie-star smile spreading across his chiseled face as he was again struck with a reminder that he exceeds conventional standards of attractiveness.
Carefully weighing her emotional needs, area woman Gabi Lewis decided recently to save getting super into Joni Mitchell for her next emotional breakdown, rather than wasting it on her current one.
“I thought that now might be the time,” Lewis remarked, noting that her recent breakup could be taken as a cue to listen to nothing but Blue for three months straight.
Students in Hope High School’s intro Spanish course have reported that every single person pictured in their textbook is wearing a solid-colored T-shirt.
“There’s not a single person in this book who isn’t wearing a sturdy T-shirt in a primary or secondary color,” student Nellie Diman observed, gesturing to a page-spanning spread of friends in a cafe.
Giving a rushed disclaimer as a 15-second commercial played before the YouTube video he was showing you, Corbin Wellington made super sure that you knew this was just an ad and not the actual video.
“Oh shit,” Wellington said as he brandished his phone in front of your face.
Checking the forecast as they prepared to get dressed this morning, sources across the country reported that it’s almost time for poofy coats. “It’s been chilly lately but not super cold,” area woman Michelle Warner explained as she removed her heavy-duty puffer coat from storage and packed away her light jackets.
As they traveled across campus in a towering cluster, sources observed that tall boy Brent Hallquist is friends with other tall boys. “Oh wow,” said sophomore Sylvie Crenshaw as the 6’4" Hallquist and his towering friends traversed the Main Green.
Cheering on the staff of The College Hill Independent, sources across campus have reported that The Indy is doing such a good job with their little newspaper.
“Awwww look at them go!” Cassandra Marino ’21 commented as Indy staffers deposited stacks of their adorable paper around campus.
Apparently, we literally have a class called “Old-Time String Band” here… Weird, right? Students across campus have expressed confusion over their hypothetical ability to take a class that is not something you can or necessarily should make a class out of.
Poring over his sparse resume, senior Jake Peters decided that, fuck it, “Proficient in Google Docs” was going on there.
“I know that Google Docs isn’t exactly a talent,” Peters confessed as he figured he might as well add the line to the “Skills” section of his resume.
Figuring it adds a little extra something to campus occurrences, Brown has been tossing bagpipers into just about any event recently.
“At first we only had bagpipers at very specific events,” university spokeswoman Aubrey Barnes explained, noting convocation and graduation as happenings that have warranted bagpipers in the past.
It’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to attend Brown University. I’ve met so many amazing people and encountered some truly awesome opportunities. Overall, my Brown experience has been nothing short of perfect, aside from one little thing: I just wish we had more experimental theater here.
Patients of Sarah Marsh DDS have reported that the dentist and her hygienist, Emily Phillips, are clearly employing some sort of good cop, bad cop strategy in their practice.
“The hygienist was so sweet,” patient Joe Clemente said after a disorienting appointment with the pair.
Looking on with concern as their young son played with his plastic dinosaurs, local couple Greg and Amanda Cassmeier concluded that the 5-year-old’s dinosaur obsession is significantly less cute now that he’s admitted he just wants to know how the prehistoric creatures would taste.
A team of pediatric specialists at the Roger Williams Medical Center have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, area baby Oliver Welbourn hates being waved at. “We ran Oliver through a series of psychological tests that conclusively proved that he absolutely loathes any sort of wave or other friendly gesture aimed in his direction,” lead researcher Miriam McCallister reported, adding that even a wave accompanied by a silly face is detestable to the 6-month-old infant.
Volunteers at the Woonsocket 5k Charity Run have reported that the free t-shirts they received are those soft ones. “Oooooh we’re being pampered,” said Tess Baskin, one of the volunteers who was pleasantly surprised by the exceptionally plush t-shirts. “It’s that heathered grey fabric that’s so so soft. This is a step above your typical free shirt, that’s for sure.” At press time, Baskin noted that the t-shirt would be great for sleeping in.
Chuckling to himself as he gleefully selected a series of emojis to accompany a payment to his friend, area man Scott Wendell made it clear that Venmo memos serve as his primary creative outlet.
“It’s so fun!” he exclaimed, scrolling through his past memos that had each given him a tiny burst of creative stimulation.
Sizing up an oak tree in an area park, local dad Barry Shay reported that a tree that thick must be pretty old. “Take a look at that diameter,” Shay commented, attempting unsuccessfully to engage his entire family in the observation. “If you sliced that baby open, well, I wouldn’t be surprised to find some 90-odd rings. Incredible.” At press time, Shay added that the bird that just flew by must be some sort of hawk.
Meandering across campus in a serpentine line, students in freshman Unit 12 have become so close-knit in the first two weeks of school that they all hold hands everywhere they go.
“We just really get along,” said Polly McGarron, intertwining her fingers with her unit mates on either side.
I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.
Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine.
I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it.
Gathering their new recruits in a circle, a cappella group The PemBlokes initiated their 4 new members this past weekend with an adorable little blood pact.
“This is just a cute little thing we do to make the new guys feel special,” president Carl Stroop said while polishing a ceremonial knife.
Abandoning tradition in a commitment to social progress, a cappella group The Jabberwocks made strides towards equality this week by allowing anyone, regardless of gender, to audition for their pointless group with a dumb name.
“This is years in the making,” president Jonathan Shay ‘20 proudly explained, emphasizing that an immense amount of thought went into the pivotal decision for his silly a cappella group with a needlessly stupid name.
Reflecting on his first few weeks at college, freshman Jonah Biller decided that, as far as a personality goes, being from New York should just about do it.
“During the icebreaking activities with my unit, I was wondering how I could make myself stand out,” Biller said, recounting his epiphany that being from New York provides everything he’d ever need in a personality.
Proudly addressing distinguished faculty and staff on Monday, President Christian Paxson announced the findings of a recent study indicating that the Class of 2023 is an entire 5% hotter than the preceding Class of 2022.
“Every year we strive for an incoming class that exhibits a continuing devotion to improving our university,” Paxson declared at the recent faculty luncheon.
Conspicuously clomping up and down campus hallways, multiple sources have reported that the entire staff of Brown/RISD weekly The College Hill Independent has matching clogs now. “Yeah I guess they all wore clogs anyway and thought it’d be better to match,” one onlooker suspected as 30-some Indy staff members headed to a meeting in identical pairs of chunky, slightly-heeled clogs.
Holding up a growing line last Tuesday as she failed to recognize the subtleties of ordering at the popular student breakfast spot, freshman Shanice Weber was spotted doing everything wrong in Bagel Gourmet.
“Right off the bat, she stood in the pay line to order her bagel,” BG regular Terry Mann recalled of Weber’s maiden trip to the bagel shop.
Fans of the animated children’s show “Farmyard Pals” have reported that the protagonist, Pat Pig, is mostly snout. “That pig is 80% snout at least,” said viewer Shane Crosby, gesturing to the character’s vast muzzle. “He has hands and feet, sure, but they fade in comparison to that massive snout. It’s completely unrealistic.” At press time, Pat Pig’s cartoon rabbit sidekick was about half ears.
Sources report that although actor Hugh Jackman is so strong, he is also somehow blessed with a voice so sweet. “You’d think that a man this strong would not have a beautiful, crystal-clear singing voice,” said film expert Addy Santiago. “But Jackman shatters the status quo.
Dr. Alexandria Webb’s patients have reported that the doctor won’t stop using icky words.
“Completely disgusting,” complained patient Joe Bergo after an appointment with Webb. “She said all sorts of icky things like sphincter, fluid, orifice, and bowel.
Customers at the Campus Market have reported that student cashier Brandon Day is really setting up camp back there.
“It must get pretty boring behind the register,” said Shannon Carlson ’22. “I totally get bringing some homework or a good book, but he went the extra mile and brought blankets and a little mug of tea, and he has his feet kicked up on the counter like he owns the place.”
“He must have a pretty long shift,” Carlson continued as the cashier took off his shoes and replaced them with cozy slippers.
According to a report by the Providence Business Bureau, the recently-opened Thayer Street Shake Shack is being rivaled by a new restaurant up the street, something simply called “Malt Shed”.
“They’re probably trying to piggyback on the success of Shake Shack,” said Mandy Shapiro, Shake Shack’s manager.
Jo’s is really milking those three tiny burners in the corner, sources reported.
“Those burners are so small,” said freshman Maya Curry. “It’s honestly inspiring how much use they get out of them. Dumplings, pasta, you name it. No one asked for this, but for some reason they’re pulling out all the stops with this ‘Three Burners’ thing."
Curry emphasized that the versatility of the three mini burners has been proven time and time again.
Terrified students in Professor Jim Cobble’s CLPS300 class have reported that the professor signs off every email with “See You In Hell.”
“My god, he did it again,” said student Jim Stork with a tinge of horror in his voice as he scanned an email from Cobble.
Sources report that an anonymous admin has created a new Facebook page, “Brown/Blueno Bears Admirers Admirers,” to provide a platform to those students who wish to admire Brown’s other admirers pages.
“I wanted to help spread positivity around Brown’s campus,” explained the admin, whose page has posted hundreds of anonymous compliments.
Sources report that an old man in a new movie was once a young man in an old movie. “That man is definitely old,” film analysts reported, referring to the new movie. “But if you take a look at this old movie, you’ll find that the same man is young.
Following a series of meaningless tweets, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Twitter followers reported that the Hamilton star is tweeting in his own made-up nonsense language at this point.
“I used to like Lin’s tweets,” follower Trey Montagne explained.
Sources reported Thursday that a senior still making Blueno jokes is absolutely, 100% dead inside. Sporting a blank stare, Mandy Turner ’19 robotically delivered joke after joke concerning the statue.
“Blueno is my son,” Turner reported in a complete monotone, as the color in her face drained and her eyes glazed over.
Sources report that Brown a cappella group The Pitch Bears is saving up enough money for a big, big arch sing in St. Louis.
“We love a good arch sing under Wayland Arch and sometimes even MoChamp arch,” said treasurer Shayla Key ’20 as she pored over the group’s budget.
A lab rat at Brown’s biology research center wants a little coat too, researchers report. “All of our researchers are required to wear white lab coats on the job,” lab executive Katie Mills explained. “Based on our research, it’s become clear that one particular rat wants a little white coat for himself.
Local mailman Kurt Euler is wearing his little shorts today, sources said. “Look—he’s not wearing the pants like normal, he’s wearing little shorts!” exclaimed a resident on Euler’s route, peering out her window as the mailman cheerfully made his rounds. “He looks so breezy and comfortable. The mailman pants are an okay look, but nothing screams ‘fun’ quite like those shorts!” At press time, Euler put on a little cap.
A sophisticated woman was spotted feeding pigeons tiny baguettes instead of bread crumbs at India Point Park on Sunday. “She looked like a typical park-goer from a distance,” said area woman Michelle Zane after witnessing the fancy lady sprinkling miniature French loaves across the sidewalk.
Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain!
Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.
Sources at the Daytona 500 report that classy NASCAR driver Brent Livers only races limos. “I know he’s a classy guy but this is true commitment,” said spectator Bryan Willis as the limo meandered around the track. “Taking on those tight turns in a 30-foot-long limo is a real gutsy move.
After a RISD party on Saturday, students in attendance reported that the event consisted of cigarettes, baggy pants, and nothing else.
“We walked in and literally everyone was smoking cigarettes,” Brown sophomore Daniel Schwartz recalled. “Nothing else was happening.
Sources report that Production Workshop’s most recent student-written play, “Windswept Summer,” has just one prop.
“The main character was drinking out of a champagne glass in the first scene,” audience member Tim Haugerud recalled. “I had no idea where he was supposed to be, but I knew it must be fancy because of that glass.
According to Ratty patrons, there’s some old guy in there again. “Oh look he’s back,” remarked Clay Bartles ’21 after spotting the stranger near the desserts. “He just sits there quietly by himself. I have so many questions. Like, where did he come from? Why is he here? Does he just like the food? Does he pay to be here—and if so, why? He seems to know all the chefs personally, but he clearly doesn’t work here.
Signing off on an email to his professor, junior Brandon Roth reported that the message was composed entirely of exclamation points. “I threw in an exclamation point to make it seem laid-back,” Roth recalled as he considered sending the email. “But it was still so dry.
Sources report that local grandma Wanda Emmers is still trying to wrap her head around ripped jeans.
“Why ruin nice pants with holes?” Emmers wondered aloud, staring quizzically at her grandson’s distressed Levi’s. “That would be a suitable pair of jeans if someone hadn’t taken a knife to them! His knees must be so cold.
Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so.
I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.
As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break.
“I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.
Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy.
“I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.
Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.
Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries.
“Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.
Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.
After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug.
“I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.
As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady.
“This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.
During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.
Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.
Sources report that yoga instructor Carl Lynch was really getting twisty in his Tuesday night class. “We started with some downward dog and some warrior pose, but then he wrapped his leg around his torso like he’s made of rubber or something," observed class participant Harry Ballard.
After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one.
“All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.
In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.
In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks.
“She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.
As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.
According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs.
“Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.
Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture.
“Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.
Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.
Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.
Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.
Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.”
Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.
NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.