Sources report that local grandma Wanda Emmers is still trying to wrap her head around ripped jeans.
“Why ruin nice pants with holes?” Emmers wondered aloud, staring quizzically at her grandson’s distressed Levi’s. “That would be a suitable pair of jeans if someone hadn’t taken a knife to them! His knees must be so cold.
Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so.
I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.
As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break.
“I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.
Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy.
“I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.
Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.
Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries.
“Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.
Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.
After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug.
“I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.
As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady.
“This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.
During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.
Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.
Sources report that yoga instructor Carl Lynch was really getting twisty in his Tuesday night class. “We started with some downward dog and some warrior pose, but then he wrapped his leg around his torso like he’s made of rubber or something," observed class participant Harry Ballard.
After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one.
“All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.
In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.
In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks.
“She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.
As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.
According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs.
“Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.
Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture.
“Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.
Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.
Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.
Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.
Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.”
Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.
NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.