Sunday, September 27, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Abby Johnson

Editor-in-Chief

Abby's articles

Christina Paxson Wakes Up In Cold Sweat With Phrase “Triple Commencement” Running Through Head | Sep 25 2020

Sitting bolt upright in bed last Thursday night, President Christina Paxson awoke, drenched in sweat, with the phrase “triple commencement” running through her head. “No no no no,” Paxson whispered shakily as the words ran through her mind on a loop, desperately staving off images of overbooked hotels, a Campus Dance with 20,000 attendees, and throngs of disgruntled family members descending on The Blue Room.

RI Governor Makes Exception For Gathering Guidelines After Learning That Event Planning 101 Is Mandatory For All Student Groups | Sep 25 2020

Speaking at a daily press briefing on the COVID-19 pandemic, Rhode Island governor Gina Raimondo backtracked this week on an earlier guideline banning gatherings of 15 or more people after learning that SAO’s Event Planning 101 workshop is mandatory for all student groups.

Granoff Dinner Restricted To Essential Rich Assholes This Year | Sep 25 2020

According to a recent email sent by Marty Granoff to last year’s Granoff Dinner attendees, this year’s dinner will be restricted to essential rich assholes only. “I understand that the Granoff Dinner is an important event for all extravagantly wealthy snobs,” the email read, explaining that the volume of horrible millionaires that usually attend the dinner isn’t doable due to public health guidelines.

Girl Commenting On Dear Blueno Relationship Post Wants Everyone To Know She Fucks | Sep 25 2020

According to a recent post on Dear Blueno, frequent commenter Ella McCormick ’22 wants everyone to know she fucks. An anonymous post seeking advice about a struggling long-term relationship gave McCormick a convenient platform to broadcast the nature of her sex life to the Brown community.

Senior Going To Really Miss Seriously Considering Showing Up To Office Hours Every Few Weeks | Sep 25 2020

Wistfully thinking back to simpler times, senior Tripp Carpenter was already starting to miss the feeling of seriously considering showing up to office hours every few weeks. “Things won’t be the same without waking up in the morning fully intending to go to office hours, then deciding to fuck around with my friends in the Blue Room instead,” Carpenter sighed, reminiscing about all the stimulating academic conversations he deeply considered seeking out every once in a while.

Campus Braces For Arrival Of Zoom A Cappella | Sep 25 2020

Visibly flinching as they reminded themselves of the inevitable, students in the Brown community braced themselves for the impending arrival of Zoom a cappella. “Everyone knew this was coming,” said junior Jazzy Thompson, shivering as she imagined virtual covers of “Somebody To Love” and “Karma Chameleon,” among other a cappella standards that are sure to devastate Facebook feeds and inboxes this fall by way of grainy screen recordings.

College Campuses Must Be An Absolute Shitshow In The Fall. Here’s How We Do It. | Sep 25 2020

Across the country, college campuses turned to ghost towns this year. With students and professors hunkered down inside, the adverse effect of COVID-19 on colleges and universities became clear. The toll of this pandemic is high and will continue to rise.

Every Day I Wake Up Crying Because I Won’t Get To See The Student Plays That Were Supposed To Happen This Year | Sep 25 2020

Every day I wake up drenched in tears. Food doesn’t taste good, I don’t crack a smile at jokes — nothing brings me joy. All because I won’t get to see the student plays that were supposed to go up this year at Brown University. Without fail, tears start streaming down my face the moment my eyes open each morning.

I Can’t Wait To Come Back To Campus In September! by Your Dumb Ass On March 12 | Sep 25 2020

I know it’s depressing that classes were cancelled, but let’s try to be rational. At least we’ll be back to campus in September! That’s such a conservative guess too. Like the email never said we WON’T come back after Spring Break. And it looks like commencement is still on! But in the very least, this will all be behind us in September.

Main Green Reverts To Lively Jungle Ecosystem In Absence Of Human Interference | Apr 24 2020

In the wake of the departure of thousands of students from campus, sources report that the University’s Main Green has reverted to a lively jungle ecosystem. “I guess there was a silver lining to this fiasco all along,” said sophomore Laila Katz, whose decision to remain on campus left her privy to the ecological flourishing of the large patch of grass.

“Mind If I Sit With You?” Tear-Soaked Dean Zia Whispers To Self During Another Restless Night | Apr 24 2020

Choking the phrase out between sobs, a tear-soaked Rashid Zia attempted to calm himself during another restless night by repeating the words “Mind if I sit with you?” over and over again. “Mind…mind if I sit with… with… you,” Zia muttered shakily as a fresh tear rolled down his cheek, barely getting the words out without completely losing it.

President Paxson Blasts Music, Slides Down Empty Halls In Socks During Seventh Week Of University Shutdown | Apr 24 2020

Pressing play on a Dixie Chicks CD and gleefully removing her loafers, President Christina Paxson took to blasting music and sliding across University Hall’s hardwood floors in socks during the seventh week of Brown’s shutdown. “This is invigorating!” Paxson shouted over the music as she jetted down hardwood floors in her stockings.

REPORT: Campus Probably Full Of Tumbleweeds Now | Apr 24 2020

According to reports from the thousands of students who fled Brown last month, there’s a solid chance that the campus is full of tumbleweeds now. “It’s sort of unclear what’s going on back at Brown, but one thing’s basically for sure: an immense amount of tumbleweeds are drifting about, carried only by gusts of howling wind,” the report stated, emphasizing that these tumbleweeds are likely accompanied by severe dust storms, creepy lizards who skitter out of your path as you walk, and ear-splitting creaking noises emitted from every door on campus.

Woman Trying On Clothes In Store Slinks Back Into Dumb Bitch Clothes She Came In Wearing | Apr 24 2020

After trying on a dress in the Nordstrom dressing room this past week, area woman Margaret Crostini was forced to slink back into the dumb bitch clothes she had entered the store wearing. “After trying on these new clothes, my old clothes seem so, so dumb,” Crostini lamented, sighing as she suited back up in the idiot ensemble that she somehow decided was a good idea when she left the house that morning.

Cast Of Student Play Generously Treats Audience To Post-Show Talkback | Mar 06 2020

Assembling a line of folding chairs in the center of Leeds Theater last Sunday, the cast of Sock & Buskin’s recent play “My Country, My Time” was generous enough to treat its audience to a post-show talkback. “We really lucked out!” commented Charisse Bedford ’21 as the 4-person cast fielded questions from their rapt, lavishly-spoiled audience, shedding light on the one-act play that commented on a gamut of heavy topics from climate anxiety to the American dream.

Indy Trying To Redeem Themselves After Recent Issue Made A Little Bit Of Sense | Mar 06 2020

Pacing back and forth during a recent meeting, the editors-in-chief of The College Hill Independent were scrambling to redeem themselves after realizing their recent issue made a little bit of sense. “We have to do some real damage control here,” design editor Nick Bates ‘20 said, despondently scanning the recent issue that didn’t contain a single two-page spread of blurry film negatives and actually made a comprehensible point about climate change in one of its essays.

Class Becomes Tense With Delight Every Time British Student Speaks | Mar 06 2020

Barely concealing their excitement as their classmate raised his hand in response to a question last Tuesday, sources reported that the entirety of British student Spencer Callahan’s archaeology section becomes tense with delight whenever he speaks.

Report: One Guy In A Cappella Group Just Going “Shoop” | Mar 06 2020

According to those in attendance at The Bear Necessities’ latest arch sing, one guy in the a cappella group was just going “shoop.” The three-song set, which contained a Disney medley, “American Boy,” and “Lovefool,” was a feat for Owen Markinson ‘23, who just went “shoop” for 20 minutes straight while everyone else took turns singing harmonies, beatboxing, and performing high-energy solos.

Indy Trying To Redeem Themselves After Recent Issue Made A Little Bit Of Sense | Mar 06 2020

Pacing back and forth during a recent meeting, the editors-in-chief of The College Hill Independent were scrambling to redeem themselves after realizing their recent issue made a little bit of sense. “We have to do some real damage control here,” design editor Nick Bates ‘20 said, despondently scanning the recent issue that didn’t contain a single two-page spread of blurry film negatives and actually made a comprehensible point about climate change in one of its essays.

Everything Area Woman’s Ex Ever Did Conveniently Reframed As Red Flag In Hindsight | Mar 06 2020

Reflecting on her recent breakup, area woman Kelly Shields was pleased to find that she was able to reframe everything her ex-boyfriend ever did into a glaring red flag in hindsight. “Remember how Josh would never pet strangers’ dogs?” Shields vented to a friend, suddenly and conveniently realizing that everything her former boyfriend ever did should have been interpreted as a signal to break up.

Scrabble Player Just Crossing Fingers That “Dup” Somehow Word | Mar 06 2020

Taking a blind risk as he completed his turn in a game of Scrabble this weekend, area man Drip McGill was just crossing his fingers that “dup” was somehow a word. “I’m out of options,” McGill confessed, hesitantly edging his U and P tiles beneath a D to create the questionable sequence of letters.

Toddler Mostly Parka At This Point | Mar 06 2020

According to sources at India Point Park this morning, local toddler Rueben Sogin was basically all parka. “He’s so bundled up, I can barely tell there’s a toddler inside all that parka!” said onlooker Meg Bartles, observing as the toddler waddled around a playground in his down-filled puffer, which essentially rendered him more coat than child. “He must be warm though!” At press time, after taking a bath, the toddler was mostly towel.

Class Becomes Tense With Delight Every Time British Student Speaks | Mar 06 2020

Barely concealing their excitement as their classmate raised his hand in response to a question last Tuesday, sources reported that the entirety of British student Spencer Callahan’s archaeology section becomes tense with delight whenever he speaks.

Report: One Guy In A Cappella Group Just Going “Shoop” | Mar 06 2020

According to those in attendance at The Bear Necessities’ latest arch sing, one guy in the a cappella group was just going “shoop.” The three-song set, which contained a Disney medley, “American Boy,” and “Lovefool,” was a feat for Owen Markinson ‘23, who just went “shoop” for 20 minutes straight while everyone else took turns singing harmonies, beatboxing, and performing high-energy solos.

New Spotify Update Features “Are You Sure?” Pop-Up Before Letting Listeners Play Imagine Dragons | Mar 06 2020

In a press conference Tuesday, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek revealed that a new update to the app will present listeners with a pop-up that reads “Are You Sure?” before it lets them play any song in Nevada pop rock band Imagine Dragons’ discography. “Among a variety of exciting new features, this update will display a special warning window before any listener can play Imagine Dragons," Ek stated, gesturing to a large mock-up of the cautionary message that will greet visitors to the band’s artist page.

Selling My Soul To A Dark Mage In Exchange For Complete Mind-Control Over Timothée Chalamet Is The Best Thing I Ever Did For My Career by Greta Gerwig | Mar 06 2020

Let me make one thing clear: a director is nothing without an amazing team of actors. From Lady Bird to Little Women, I’ve been blessed to work with some of the top names in the industry: Saoirse Ronan, Lucas Hedges, and even Oscar-winner Laura Dern.

Bear-Shaped Enamel Pin Worth 40 Bucks Easy, Brown Bookstore Reports | Dec 06 2019

Sizing up a small enamel pin featuring a bear and the phrase “Go Bruno,” Brown Bookstore manager Jasmine Gnudson insisted that the item was worth 40 bucks easy. “This isn’t just any old knick-knack,” Gnudson said, inspecting the sleek lacquer on the nickel-sized pin.

Swipe Or Insert Card And Follow Instructions On PIN Pad, And Then Come Closer And Give Me A Little Kiss by The CVS Self Checkout Machine | Dec 06 2019

Welcome! Please scan your items and follow the system prompts. Then, quick, come in close and give me a little smooch. They won’t even see. If you have an ExtraCare card, please scan now. And then just lean in and kiss me. Real quick-like. A tiny peck.

Area Man Gets Dog To Take Its Meds By Sneaking Them Into Piles Of Shit | Dec 06 2019

Cleverly outsmarting his German Shepherd, sources report that area man Shilo Kraft has found that he can get his pet to take its meds by sneaking them into piles of shit. “Goose used to hate taking his antibiotics,” Kraft explained, checking that the dog was safely asleep before he began concealing the pills in mounds of shit in the backyard.

Area Woman Nervously Sifts Through Panties In Back Of Urban Outfitters Like She Buying Cocaine | Dec 06 2019

Anxiously checking over her shoulder as she entered Urban Outfitters’ intimates sections, area woman Carla Mipp was reportedly behaving as though she were buying cocaine rather than browsing the store’s collection of panties. “She was trying not to look interested,” fellow shopper Meg Buffalo recalled, describing how Mipp was initially skirting around the panties display as if she were meeting a dealer of hard drugs in an alley.

Hot Man Smiles A Little Every Time He Remembers He Hot | Dec 06 2019

Cracking a slight grin as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a window, sources report that area hot man Doug McBriddle smiles a little every time he remembers that he’s hot. “Oh yeah, I’ve got it going on,” McBriddle muttered under his breath, a movie-star smile spreading across his chiseled face as he was again struck with a reminder that he exceeds conventional standards of attractiveness.

Area Woman Saving Getting Really Into Joni Mitchell For Next Emotional Breakdown | Oct 25 2019

Carefully weighing her emotional needs, area woman Gabi Lewis decided recently to save getting super into Joni Mitchell for her next emotional breakdown, rather than wasting it on her current one. “I thought that now might be the time,” Lewis remarked, noting that her recent breakup could be taken as a cue to listen to nothing but Blue for three months straight.

Everyone In Spanish Textbook Wearing Solid-Colored T-Shirts | Oct 25 2019

Students in Hope High School’s intro Spanish course have reported that every single person pictured in their textbook is wearing a solid-colored T-shirt. “There’s not a single person in this book who isn’t wearing a sturdy T-shirt in a primary or secondary color,” student Nellie Diman observed, gesturing to a page-spanning spread of friends in a cafe.

Friend Showing You YouTube Video Making Super Sure You Know That This Is Just An Ad | Oct 25 2019

Giving a rushed disclaimer as a 15-second commercial played before the YouTube video he was showing you, Corbin Wellington made super sure that you knew this was just an ad and not the actual video. “Oh shit,” Wellington said as he brandished his phone in front of your face.

Report: It Almost Time For Poofy Coats | Oct 25 2019

Checking the forecast as they prepared to get dressed this morning, sources across the country reported that it’s almost time for poofy coats. “It’s been chilly lately but not super cold,” area woman Michelle Warner explained as she removed her heavy-duty puffer coat from storage and packed away her light jackets.

Tall Boy Friends With Other Tall Boys | Oct 25 2019

As they traveled across campus in a towering cluster, sources observed that tall boy Brent Hallquist is friends with other tall boys. “Oh wow,” said sophomore Sylvie Crenshaw as the 6’4" Hallquist and his towering friends traversed the Main Green.

Report: Indy Doing Such A Good Job With Their Little Paper | Oct 25 2019

Cheering on the staff of The College Hill Independent, sources across campus have reported that The Indy is doing such a good job with their little newspaper. “Awwww look at them go!” Cassandra Marino ’21 commented as Indy staffers deposited stacks of their adorable paper around campus.

Report: We Literally Have A Class Called “Old-Time String Band” Here | Oct 25 2019

Apparently, we literally have a class called “Old-Time String Band” here… Weird, right? Students across campus have expressed confusion over their hypothetical ability to take a class that is not something you can or necessarily should make a class out of.

Fuck It, “Proficient In Google Docs” Going On Resume | Oct 25 2019

Poring over his sparse resume, senior Jake Peters decided that, fuck it, “Proficient in Google Docs” was going on there. “I know that Google Docs isn’t exactly a talent,” Peters confessed as he figured he might as well add the line to the “Skills” section of his resume.

Brown Just Tossing Bagpipers Into Any Event At This Point | Oct 25 2019

Figuring it adds a little extra something to campus occurrences, Brown has been tossing bagpipers into just about any event recently. “At first we only had bagpipers at very specific events,” university spokeswoman Aubrey Barnes explained, noting convocation and graduation as happenings that have warranted bagpipers in the past.

I Love Brown, I Just Wish There Was More Experimental Theater | Oct 25 2019

It’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to attend Brown University. I’ve met so many amazing people and encountered some truly awesome opportunities. Overall, my Brown experience has been nothing short of perfect, aside from one little thing: I just wish we had more experimental theater here.

Dental Hygienist And Dentist Clearly Employing Some Sort Of Good Cop, Bad Cop Strategy | Sep 13 2019

Patients of Sarah Marsh DDS have reported that the dentist and her hygienist, Emily Phillips, are clearly employing some sort of good cop, bad cop strategy in their practice. “The hygienist was so sweet,” patient Joe Clemente said after a disorienting appointment with the pair.

Little Kid’s Dinosaur Obsession Less Cute After He Admits He Just Wants To Know How They’d Taste | Sep 13 2019

Looking on with concern as their young son played with his plastic dinosaurs, local couple Greg and Amanda Cassmeier concluded that the 5-year-old’s dinosaur obsession is significantly less cute now that he’s admitted he just wants to know how the prehistoric creatures would taste.

Report: Baby Hates Being Waved At | Sep 13 2019

A team of pediatric specialists at the Roger Williams Medical Center have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, area baby Oliver Welbourn hates being waved at. “We ran Oliver through a series of psychological tests that conclusively proved that he absolutely loathes any sort of wave or other friendly gesture aimed in his direction,” lead researcher Miriam McCallister reported, adding that even a wave accompanied by a silly face is detestable to the 6-month-old infant.

Report: Free T-Shirt One Of Those Soft Ones | Sep 13 2019

Volunteers at the Woonsocket 5k Charity Run have reported that the free t-shirts they received are those soft ones. “Oooooh we’re being pampered,” said Tess Baskin, one of the volunteers who was pleasantly surprised by the exceptionally plush t-shirts. “It’s that heathered grey fabric that’s so so soft. This is a step above your typical free shirt, that’s for sure.” At press time, Baskin noted that the t-shirt would be great for sleeping in.

Venmo Memos Area Man’s Main Creative Outlet | Sep 13 2019

Chuckling to himself as he gleefully selected a series of emojis to accompany a payment to his friend, area man Scott Wendell made it clear that Venmo memos serve as his primary creative outlet. “It’s so fun!” he exclaimed, scrolling through his past memos that had each given him a tiny burst of creative stimulation.

Tree That Thick Must Be Pretty Old, Dad Reports | Sep 13 2019

Sizing up an oak tree in an area park, local dad Barry Shay reported that a tree that thick must be pretty old. “Take a look at that diameter,” Shay commented, attempting unsuccessfully to engage his entire family in the observation. “If you sliced that baby open, well, I wouldn’t be surprised to find some 90-odd rings. Incredible.” At press time, Shay added that the bird that just flew by must be some sort of hawk.

Tight-Knit Unit Holds Hands Everywhere They Go | Sep 13 2019

Meandering across campus in a serpentine line, students in freshman Unit 12 have become so close-knit in the first two weeks of school that they all hold hands everywhere they go. “We just really get along,” said Polly McGarron, intertwining her fingers with her unit mates on either side.

We Need More Women-Empowering Comedy So From Now On I Will Only Write Headlines About Bras | Sep 13 2019

I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.

Stop Drinking All My Coffee by Dave | Sep 13 2019

Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine. I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it.

A Cappella Group Initiates New Members With Cute Little Blood Pact | Sep 13 2019

Gathering their new recruits in a circle, a cappella group The PemBlokes initiated their 4 new members this past weekend with an adorable little blood pact. “This is just a cute little thing we do to make the new guys feel special,” president Carl Stroop said while polishing a ceremonial knife.

Jabberwocks Make Strides Towards Equality By Letting Person Of Any Gender Be In Pointless Group With Silly Name | Sep 13 2019

Abandoning tradition in a commitment to social progress, a cappella group The Jabberwocks made strides towards equality this week by allowing anyone, regardless of gender, to audition for their pointless group with a dumb name. “This is years in the making,” president Jonathan Shay ‘20 proudly explained, emphasizing that an immense amount of thought went into the pivotal decision for his silly a cappella group with a needlessly stupid name.

Student From New York Thinks That Should About Do It For Their Personality | Sep 13 2019

Reflecting on his first few weeks at college, freshman Jonah Biller decided that, as far as a personality goes, being from New York should just about do it. “During the icebreaking activities with my unit, I was wondering how I could make myself stand out,” Biller said, recounting his epiphany that being from New York provides everything he’d ever need in a personality.

Christina Paxson Proudly Reports That Class Of 2023 An Entire 5% Hotter Than Class of 2022 | Sep 13 2019

Proudly addressing distinguished faculty and staff on Monday, President Christian Paxson announced the findings of a recent study indicating that the Class of 2023 is an entire 5% hotter than the preceding Class of 2022. “Every year we strive for an incoming class that exhibits a continuing devotion to improving our university,” Paxson declared at the recent faculty luncheon.

Report: Entire Indy Staff Has Matching Clogs Now | Sep 13 2019

Conspicuously clomping up and down campus hallways, multiple sources have reported that the entire staff of Brown/RISD weekly The College Hill Independent has matching clogs now. “Yeah I guess they all wore clogs anyway and thought it’d be better to match,” one onlooker suspected as 30-some Indy staff members headed to a meeting in identical pairs of chunky, slightly-heeled clogs.

Freshman In Bagel Gourmet Doing Everything Wrong | Sep 13 2019

Holding up a growing line last Tuesday as she failed to recognize the subtleties of ordering at the popular student breakfast spot, freshman Shanice Weber was spotted doing everything wrong in Bagel Gourmet. “Right off the bat, she stood in the pay line to order her bagel,” BG regular Terry Mann recalled of Weber’s maiden trip to the bagel shop.

Cartoon Pig Mostly Snout | Apr 19 2019

Fans of the animated children’s show “Farmyard Pals” have reported that the protagonist, Pat Pig, is mostly snout. “That pig is 80% snout at least,” said viewer Shane Crosby, gesturing to the character’s vast muzzle. “He has hands and feet, sure, but they fade in comparison to that massive snout. It’s completely unrealistic.” At press time, Pat Pig’s cartoon rabbit sidekick was about half ears.

Report: Hugh Jackman So Strong With a Voice So Sweet | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that although actor Hugh Jackman is so strong, he is also somehow blessed with a voice so sweet. “You’d think that a man this strong would not have a beautiful, crystal-clear singing voice,” said film expert Addy Santiago. “But Jackman shatters the status quo.

Doctor Won’t Stop Using Icky Words | Apr 19 2019

Dr. Alexandria Webb’s patients have reported that the doctor won’t stop using icky words. “Completely disgusting,” complained patient Joe Bergo after an appointment with Webb. “She said all sorts of icky things like sphincter, fluid, orifice, and bowel.

Campus Market Cashier Really Setting Up Camp Back There | Apr 19 2019

Customers at the Campus Market have reported that student cashier Brandon Day is really setting up camp back there. “It must get pretty boring behind the register,” said Shannon Carlson ’22. “I totally get bringing some homework or a good book, but he went the extra mile and brought blankets and a little mug of tea, and he has his feet kicked up on the counter like he owns the place.” “He must have a pretty long shift,” Carlson continued as the cashier took off his shoes and replaced them with cozy slippers.

Shake Shack On Thayer Threatened By Something Called “Malt Shed” | Apr 19 2019

According to a report by the Providence Business Bureau, the recently-opened Thayer Street Shake Shack is being rivaled by a new restaurant up the street, something simply called “Malt Shed”. “They’re probably trying to piggyback on the success of Shake Shack,” said Mandy Shapiro, Shake Shack’s manager.

Jo’s Really Milking Those Three Tiny Burners In The Corner | Apr 19 2019

Jo’s is really milking those three tiny burners in the corner, sources reported. “Those burners are so small,” said freshman Maya Curry. “It’s honestly inspiring how much use they get out of them. Dumplings, pasta, you name it. No one asked for this, but for some reason they’re pulling out all the stops with this ‘Three Burners’ thing." Curry emphasized that the versatility of the three mini burners has been proven time and time again.

Terrifying Professor Signs Off Emails With “See You In Hell” | Apr 19 2019

Terrified students in Professor Jim Cobble’s CLPS300 class have reported that the professor signs off every email with “See You In Hell.” “My god, he did it again,” said student Jim Stork with a tinge of horror in his voice as he scanned an email from Cobble.

Anonymous Admin Creates New Admirers Page Where People Can Admire the Other Admirers Pages | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that an anonymous admin has created a new Facebook page, “Brown/Blueno Bears Admirers Admirers,” to provide a platform to those students who wish to admire Brown’s other admirers pages. “I wanted to help spread positivity around Brown’s campus,” explained the admin, whose page has posted hundreds of anonymous compliments.

Report: Old Man in New Movie Was Once Young Man in Old Movie | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that an old man in a new movie was once a young man in an old movie. “That man is definitely old,” film analysts reported, referring to the new movie. “But if you take a look at this old movie, you’ll find that the same man is young.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Tweeting in Own Made-Up Nonsense Language at This Point | Mar 08 2019

Following a series of meaningless tweets, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Twitter followers reported that the Hamilton star is tweeting in his own made-up nonsense language at this point. “I used to like Lin’s tweets,” follower Trey Montagne explained.

Senior Who Still Makes Blueno Jokes Absolutely Dead Inside | Mar 08 2019

Sources reported Thursday that a senior still making Blueno jokes is absolutely, 100% dead inside. Sporting a blank stare, Mandy Turner ’19 robotically delivered joke after joke concerning the statue. “Blueno is my son,” Turner reported in a complete monotone, as the color in her face drained and her eyes glazed over.

A Cappella Group Saving Up Enough Money For Big, Big Arch Sing in St. Louis | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Brown a cappella group The Pitch Bears is saving up enough money for a big, big arch sing in St. Louis. “We love a good arch sing under Wayland Arch and sometimes even MoChamp arch,” said treasurer Shayla Key ’20 as she pored over the group’s budget.

Lab Rat Wants a Little Coat Too | Mar 08 2019

A lab rat at Brown’s biology research center wants a little coat too, researchers report. “All of our researchers are required to wear white lab coats on the job,” lab executive Katie Mills explained. “Based on our research, it’s become clear that one particular rat wants a little white coat for himself.

Mailman Wearing His Little Shorts Today | Mar 08 2019

Local mailman Kurt Euler is wearing his little shorts today, sources said. “Look—he’s not wearing the pants like normal, he’s wearing little shorts!” exclaimed a resident on Euler’s route, peering out her window as the mailman cheerfully made his rounds. “He looks so breezy and comfortable. The mailman pants are an okay look, but nothing screams ‘fun’ quite like those shorts!” At press time, Euler put on a little cap.

Sophisticated Woman Feeds Pigeons Tiny Baguettes | Mar 08 2019

A sophisticated woman was spotted feeding pigeons tiny baguettes instead of bread crumbs at India Point Park on Sunday. “She looked like a typical park-goer from a distance,” said area woman Michelle Zane after witnessing the fancy lady sprinkling miniature French loaves across the sidewalk.

Oh Boy Providence, Do I Have a Treat for You! You’ll Never Guess—It’s More Rain! I Know How Much You Looove Rain! by God | Mar 08 2019

Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain! Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.

Classy NASCAR Driver Only Races Limos | Mar 08 2019

Sources at the Daytona 500 report that classy NASCAR driver Brent Livers only races limos. “I know he’s a classy guy but this is true commitment,” said spectator Bryan Willis as the limo meandered around the track. “Taking on those tight turns in a 30-foot-long limo is a real gutsy move.

RISD Party Consists of Cigarettes, Baggy Pants, Nothing Else | Mar 08 2019

After a RISD party on Saturday, students in attendance reported that the event consisted of cigarettes, baggy pants, and nothing else. “We walked in and literally everyone was smoking cigarettes,” Brown sophomore Daniel Schwartz recalled. “Nothing else was happening.

PW Show Has One Prop | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Production Workshop’s most recent student-written play, “Windswept Summer,” has just one prop. “The main character was drinking out of a champagne glass in the first scene,” audience member Tim Haugerud recalled. “I had no idea where he was supposed to be, but I knew it must be fancy because of that glass.

Report: There Some Old Guy in Ratty Again | Mar 08 2019

According to Ratty patrons, there’s some old guy in there again. “Oh look he’s back,” remarked Clay Bartles ’21 after spotting the stranger near the desserts. “He just sits there quietly by himself. I have so many questions. Like, where did he come from? Why is he here? Does he just like the food? Does he pay to be here—and if so, why? He seems to know all the chefs personally, but he clearly doesn’t work here.

Email to Professor Just Exclamation Points | Mar 08 2019

Signing off on an email to his professor, junior Brandon Roth reported that the message was composed entirely of exclamation points. “I threw in an exclamation point to make it seem laid-back,” Roth recalled as he considered sending the email. “But it was still so dry.

Grandma Still Can't Wrap Head Around Ripped Jeans | Dec 07 2018

Sources report that local grandma Wanda Emmers is still trying to wrap her head around ripped jeans. “Why ruin nice pants with holes?” Emmers wondered aloud, staring quizzically at her grandson’s distressed Levi’s. “That would be a suitable pair of jeans if someone hadn’t taken a knife to them! His knees must be so cold.

“Heavenly” Hazelnut? I Don’t Think So. | Dec 07 2018

Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so. I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.

Student Can't Wait For An Exciting Winter Break Spent Hating Every Second Of Winter Break | Dec 07 2018

As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break. “I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.

Literary Arts Professor Just A Fleeting, Enigmatic Cloud Of Energy | Oct 26 2018

Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy. “I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.

Nitro Cart Employees Admit They Want To Drive It Around Like A Little Clown Car | Oct 26 2018

Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.

Senior In Need Of Groceries Decides It’s Time To Catch Up With That One Girl With Car | Oct 26 2018

Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries. “Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.

Four-Year-Old Torn Between Becoming Train Kid Or Dinosaur Kid | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.

Report: Oh, Ok, Acquaintance Going In For Hug | Oct 26 2018

After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug. “I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.

Woman Applying Body Lotion Feels Like One Fancy Lady | Oct 26 2018

As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady. “This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.

Comedian Spends Entire Set Taking Tiny, Nervous Sips of Water | Oct 26 2018

During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.

If You Rub The 8 Ball Thrice, We Will Emerge From The Walls And Challenge You To A Round Of Billiards by The Faunce Pool Boys | Oct 26 2018

Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.

Yoga Instructor Really Getting Twisty | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that yoga instructor Carl Lynch was really getting twisty in his Tuesday night class. “We started with some downward dog and some warrior pose, but then he wrapped his leg around his torso like he’s made of rubber or something," observed class participant Harry Ballard.

Thoughtful, Self-Aware Man Wishes He Could Be Topic Of Satirical Headline For Once | Sep 14 2018

After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one. “All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

Rad Surgeon Flips Scalpels Like Drumsticks | Sep 14 2018

In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks. “She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.

Orientation Provides A Cappella Groups With Single, Glorious Night Of Relevance | Sep 14 2018

As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.

RPLs Clearly Putting In Tiniest Amount Of Effort With Pokemon-Themed Door Signs | Sep 14 2018

According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs. “Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.

Student With Fjällräven Backpack Must Have Deep Appreciation for Swedish Culture | Apr 20 2018

Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture. “Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.

BUDS Supervisor Sports Towering Stack of Hats to Assert Dominance | Apr 20 2018

Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.

Fireworks Wish You Would Stop Staring | Apr 20 2018

Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.

Student Wonders if Whispering “Bless You” In Lecture Will Count Towards Participation | Mar 09 2018

Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.

Man With Dave’s Coffee Sticker Not Even That Into Dave’s Coffee | Mar 09 2018

Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.” Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.

Recent NPR News Hour Just 60 Minutes of Jazzy Clarinet Interludes | Mar 09 2018

NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.