Abby's articles
Reading Joan Didion’s 1967 essay “Goodbye to All That” for an introductory nonfiction course, sources report that it has so many commas. “There must be 30 commas on this page alone,” reported sophomore Anya Tripp-Melba, scanning a rambling sentence that spanned half a page of Didion’s iconic essay which dissects her complicated relationship with New York City.
Observing his bottle of ginger-lemon kombucha, area man Glen Bevel reported that it’s chunky. “There’s all sorts of stuff floating around in there,” Bevel said, inspecting the bits of SCOBY settling to the bottom of the bottle. “This kombucha is chunky as hell.” At press time, Bevel desperately tried to ignore the chunks as he drank the kombucha.
According to the developers of a new meat substitute, the name of their imitation chicken product is just quotation marks and apostrophes. “We avoided anything that might communicate that our product contains actual meat,” said developer Mark Snood, citing popular imitation meats such as “b’ef,” “bake’n,” and “s’s’age” as inspiration for their newly-dubbed soy nuggets.
Flipping through Netflix’s catalogue of movies and shows, sources report that the streaming platform is calling absolutely everything “irreverent.” “Okay, for something like Seinfeld it makes sense,” commented area man Andy Bradford, realizing that even the most innocent children’s shows were dubbed “irreverent” by Netflix. “But New Girl? Parks and Rec? Titanic? Do they know what ‘irreverent’ even means?” At press time, they were calling everything “witty.”
Hi darling! How is everything? Good? Good! Oh, I’m doing okay. Your father and I are about to try this new place for dinner, but we want to head over before it gets too dark. It gets dark so early these days, I’m sure you’re thinking the same thing — wait, what time is it there again?
Here in Omaha it’s 4:30, but I know you’re in a different time zone.
Briefly prefacing their performance at Wayland Arch this past Wednesday, a cappella group The PemBlokes announced that this next song has a little twist. “Alright everyone, for our next song we’re doing something… a little different,” said The PemBlokes’ musical director Carter McNabers ’23 with a wry grin, knowing that the audience was in no way prepared for the upcoming Taylor Swift/Kanye mash-up the group had up its sleeve.
After a classmate in a senior-level seminar mentioned their living situation, sources report that, oh, that grad student has a wife.
“He’s always looked a little older than the rest of us in class, but whoa,” sources reported, floored to learn that the 26-year-old they interact with in section every week has been married for a year and a half.
Noticing the deluge of fliers advertising the shoe store’s 50% off event, sources report that Berks on Thayer Street is never not having a ginormous blowout sale. “Every time I walk past, there’s a separate blowout sale being advertised,” said Marcy Logan ’22, observing the neon-colored posters that are perpetually plastered across the establishment’s windows.
After their classmate in a Modern Culture and Media course called upon outside readings to contribute to a discussion about the week’s assigned film, sources report that sophomore Marco Porter has way too much background knowledge on sadomasochism.
According to junior Margaret Hayes, her relationship with her dad is entirely reliant on sending Paul McCartney interviews back and forth to each other. “If it wasn’t for Paul McCartney occasionally going on Late Night, I don’t know where our relationship would stand,” Hayes admitted, pressing “Send” on a text to her father consisting of a Paul McCartney Carpool Karaoke segment with the message “Check this out!” “My dad’s thousands of miles away, and the only thing keeping us in contact is the promise of another Paul McCartney interview that neither of us have seen.” At press time, Billy Joel interviews were also an acceptable form of communication..
Stopping in their tracks as their eyes were drawn to a small note on the side of their midterm, senior Kat McDrummer reported that, fuck, their professor put a question mark in the margin. “Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck,” McDrummer reported after noticing the simple “?” next to an argument about the relation of the assigned novel to Laura Mulvey’s theory of the male gaze.
According to sources, balding sophomore Drake Farber is cast as the trademark adult in every single theatre production on campus.
“There’s something about him that just reads as ‘adult’,” said student director Maria McKright ’21.5. “He played the headmaster in Spring Awakening, the dad in Next to Normal, and the principal in The 25th Annual Putnam County Spelling Bee.
Willfully handing over a large fraction of her parents’ income to study Modern Culture & Media and English, junior Maya Brennan is reportedly paying 70k a year to double concentrate in books and movies.
“A Brown education is totally worth the price tag,” said Brennan, whose two concentrations teach her about the nuances of both books and movies.
After attending Production Workshop’s experimental student-written play, “Moons, Roots, Poison,” friends of senior TAPS concentrator Martha Trubbly reported that she was making fun of the nonsense play like she isn’t starring in a separate nonsense play next week.
Stealing a peek over his shoulder before affixing a fifth ear to a mounted bobcat, sources report that area taxidermist Clark Gallory won’t stop adding extra ears to his creations. “He’s out of control,” said Gallory’s colleague Myranda Bonder, looking on as the taxidermist gleefully glued an elk ear to the back of a sandhill crane.
Slapping their foreheads in a moment of sudden remembrance, Brown’s admission officers realized that, once again, they forgot to let someone in from North Dakota.
“I knew we were forgetting something,” admissions officer Larry Suthers said, disappointed in himself for forgetting to let a North Dakotan into Brown for the tenth year running despite copious gCal reminders and sticky notes around his house reading “ADMIT NORTH DAKOTAN.” “It’s just so hard to remember.
Standing out from the rest of the cutlery in off-campus junior Cliff Calhoun’s kitchen, sources report that a former tenant’s weird spoon has been seamlessly integrated into the apartment’s silverware drawer. “This spoon was here when we moved in and it felt wrong to throw it out,” Calhoun explained, nestling the odd spoon among the rest of the utensils that he and his roommates purchased for themselves.
Wishing for the best as they awaited homeroom assignments for the upcoming semester, everyone at Pawtucket Central Middle School was crossing their fingers that they get Mrs. Rumford, a science teacher who has a lizard. “I better get into Mrs. Rumford’s class,” seventh-grader Billy Turnpike said, fervently hoping that he would luck into the homeroom that contains a large terrarium housing a leopard gecko.
Coming to terms with their poorly-formed decision, the organizers of Cranston’s “Remembering Andy Carlson” 5k, a memorial fundraiser for the family of a fireman who passed away last spring, regretted making the race a color run.
“Yeah, we did not think this through,” said race coordinator Marty Pranson as he watched hundreds of joggers jubilantly throw packets of colored powder in the air, many of them unaware that they were participating in a race set up to pay the thousands of dollars of hospital debt that has plagued Carlson’s family since his untimely death.
Overcome with a wave of self-assuredness following a glance at her ex’s new profile picture, area woman Janelle Krupcik reported that, hell yeah, he’s getting uglier. “Oh… this rocks,” Krupcik said, grinning as she noted that her ex’s physical appearance has steadily declined since the day they broke up, his hairline receding at the age of 24, his face becoming notably less chiseled, and his personal style taking a turn for the worse.
In the wake of the drama surrounding The Jabberwocks’ problematic audition practices, Brown’s a cappella community was rocked once more by a revelation that pirate-themed group ARRR!!! has been calling auditionees “hornswaggling wenches” on the backs of audition notecards.
Expressing regret at not being able to make it to your thing, sources across campus reported that they can’t, they’re going to Boston this weekend.
“Ah man, I’d love to go but I can’t,” sources reported, adding that their train leaves Friday afternoon and gets back Sunday night.
Both desperate to avoid being the bad guy again, Russell Carey and Richard Locke reportedly flipped a coin to determine who gets to play good cop next time a campus-wide restriction is implemented.
“Come on, come on, come on,” Carey muttered under his breath as the coin careened through the air, wishing more than anything that he won’t have to be the one to send out an email with the subject line
“Lowered Campus Activity Status” once COVID cases rise later in the semester.
Hi king! I haven’t seen you all semester! I hope things are going gorgeously, sis, and that your classes are serving knowledge the schoolhouse down. How am I? Well, I just watched my very first episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race last night — by the way, that hoodie is boots!
The theme of your day must be Hoodie Eleganza Extravaganza because you’re bringing it to the ball.
Helplessly watching as the Blue Room employee taking her sandwich order returned from washing his hands, sophomore Marie Harris reported that the worker was really struggling to get that glove on. “He put his index finger in the ring finger spot, and from there on he had to do all sorts of contortions to straighten it out,” Harris recalled, describing the worker’s increasingly desperate attempts to correctly insert his hand into the food-safe glove.
Reading the Priority item in Thursday night’s Today@Brown, students reported that the University’s COVID dashboard is now just a weekly-updated link to an Ashish Jha Twitter thread.
“We used to include all sorts of information in the COVID dashboard updates,” Executive Vice President for Planning and Policy Russell Carey explained, copying and pasting links to Dean Jha’s most viral Twitter threads to include in future emails.
Scanning his bathroom for a suitable place to dry his hands, sources report that junior Gene Niceton went ahead and wiped them on his roommate’s towel. “It’s not like Wes will know if I use just this tiny corner of his towel,” Niceton reported, patting his hands dry on his roommate’s personal body towel hanging near the shower.
Eyeing the mysterious black mold in the corner of his shower, Marty Tillerson ’22 reported that the substance is probably okay. “Can’t be that serious. Let’s just leave it be,” Tillerson said to his roommates, blindly assuring himself that the growing cluster of spores poses no threat to their health.
According to members of the improv group Sea Monkey Circus, everyone in the group has kissed at least once.
“Ok, so Eleanor and Jakob hooked up freshman year but it ended really badly after she caught him sucking face with Lane at our post-show party that September,” club president Debbie Schwartz ’22.5 explained, walking through the events that led to each possible pair of people in the group kissing each other.
Struggling to wrap his head around the realities of institutional wealth, sophomore Harry Walsh couldn’t fathom the privilege of his classmate who is slightly richer than himself.
“Thomas has never faced a hardship in his life,” Walsh said, referring to his classmate whose net worth is more-or-less comparable to his own.
Approaching her sister’s son with a nagging sense of uncertainty, area aunt Sissy Callahan wasn’t sure if she was ready to say “I love you” to her infant nephew yet.
“I don’t know… it’s like, sometimes I feel like I barely even know him?” she said, looking on as her 18-month-old nephew flipped through a pop-up book.
Contorting his face after an unpleasant sip of a five-dollar cup of cold brew, area man Cyril O’Hara reported that rather than tasting bad in a shitty way, the coffee tasted bad in a fancy way.
“Mmm… you can really taste how they carefully selected only the most acrid, acidic coffee beans for this brew,” O’Hara said, picturing the intricate process that led to his coffee tasting terrible in a highly sophisticated way, as opposed to coffees that taste bad in an accessible, blue-collar way.
Nodding in acknowledgment at the sudden appearance of the actor in a movie, sources across the country reported that, oh, Ed Helms is in this. “Oh, I didn’t know he was in this,” sources commented, surprised to see the 47-year-old The Hangover actor providing comic relief in a scene about an hour into the movie.
Confidently approaching a pad of sticky notes at his mom’s office with pen in hand, sources report that, ever since learning how to draw spheres, third-grader Max Hoffsfield is drawing spheres on everything.
“Max was floored when he realized that spheres are just circles with some shading on the edges,” Max’s mother, Mallory Hoffsfield, said, holding up her son’s school notebooks, homework assignments, and Converse All-Star shoes, all covered in hand-drawn spheres.
According to readers of Travel + Leisure magazine, the publication’s annual ranking of “America’s Happiest Cities” is definitely going to be topped off by some dumb bullshit like Des Moines again.
“Every year they think they’re dropping some bombshell by putting a dumbass place like Fargo, North Dakota or Lawrence, Kansas at the top of the list,” reader Monique Lopez said, flipping through past issues that insist various Midwestern cities are somehow more utopian than the hundreds of quaint beach towns and culturally-rich metro areas also in the running for the title.
Releasing a new set of recommendations for the vaccinated population, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced Wednesday that vaccinated people can safely throw medium-sized get togethers as long as they don’t invite that fake bitch Samantha.
Sources report that elderly man Harold Karls, who recently participated in the Woonsocket Marathon, is extremely bad at it. “Good for him, but honestly? This is hard to watch,” said spectator Sara Michaelson, cringing as the frail 80-year-old man moved at an astoundingly slow pace through the 26-mile event. “It’s admirable that he’s doing this, but he genuinely sucks at it.” At press time, the old man finally crossed the finish line to a smattering of patronizing cheers.
According to customers at the popular grocery store, Trader Joe’s has been quietly publishing an erotica series on the back of their “Social Snackers” crackers, now in its fifth titillating installment.
“Usually they put some quirky blurb on the packaging,” said customer Kelly Wolbers, fanning herself as she reached the end of this week’s chapter.
Anticipating a return to residential life and in-person class this fall, Brown’s COVID response team has been solemnly preparing a graphic in which the “Brown Takes Care” bear is mercilessly executed.
“We love the little guy… but his time has come,” said the bear’s designer Justine McCormick, stifling a sob as she shakily dragged her mouse to insert a guillotine graphic next to the beloved cartoon mascot.
Reflecting on his past week of parties and in-person welcome events, freshman Billy Parsons reported that his college experience really flew by.
“When I left for college, everyone told me to soak it all in while I could,” Parsons said, reminiscing on his first Ratty visit that happened a mere ten days ago.
According to his colleagues in University Hall, Provost Richard Locke has been routinely slipping the phrase “group hopping” into casual conversation in the hopes that the phrase will catch on.
“I just saw some students on the Main Green, looks like they were doing some major group hopping,” Locke said to his assistant, eagerly analyzing their reaction to see if his newly-coined phrase had any staying potential.
According to a press release from The Hollywood Chamber of Commerce, multiple puppets have a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame while you, a human, do not.
“It’s pretty insane when you think about it,” the release said, highlighting the fact that your achievements are apparently not as impressive as those of multiple puppets.
Hello there! Congratulations, boy-o, you’ve saved the 4th of July Parade! Your reward? A day in your honor, free milkshakes for life, and of course the highest honor of all: the key to the city!
Okay, great. Now that you have the key, will you please, please, please let me out of this box?
Because of your heroic actions that stopped that wicked bandit from stealing the wheels off of all the parade floats, our town had a magnificent, splendiferous celebration of Independence Day.
Perplexing many of his Facebook friends, Brad Williams ’21 was recently trying to sell plants on Brown Buying and Selling like plants are not outside for free.
“I’m sorry… but has Brad ever been outside?” said Dmetri Sheridan ’22, who was flummoxed by his classmate’s attempt to peddle easily-obtainable objects on Facebook.
After a stray member of a cappella group The Bear Necessities was spotted under Wayland Arch, sources have reported that spring has officially begun.
“I was walking home when I saw a flurry of movement in the corner of my eye,” recalled senior Damon Seifert, recounting his chance sighting of the wandering baritone Tuesday night.
Propping his chin on his hand and fluttering his eyelids towards the judge’s podium, sources report that courtroom sketch artist Hanson Gordon is clearly in love with Judge Jacqueline Wickizer.
“At first it was small things,” said prosecutor Lacey Marlboro, gesturing to an early sketch from the trial that portrays Wickizer illuminated by a beam of heavenly light.
According to the patrons of Roy’s Bistro in Cranston, the establishment recently labeled a takeout order of Cobb salad with an intricate series of cryptic runes decipherable only to high-ranking restaurant staff. “Look, we’re a very busy restaurant,” said owner Roy Gershberg, referencing the mysterious symbols that baffle those who pick up his all-American fare for takeout.
A recent issue of the New Yorker drew controversy for its uniquely terrifying cartoon depicting a horrifying dystopia in which a bear goes to a psychiatrist’s office and says “Doc, I think I might be a bi-polar bear.”
“In the dark corners of my imagination, anything can happen,” cartoonist Carl Ghoulsby said of his sick, demented illustration which sent a wave of terror through the homes of the New Yorker’s readership.
Attempting to get her peers to look on the bright side of things, senior Allie Huggins — who has spent the past year in her mansion in the Hamptons — reported that the pandemic really hasn’t been all that bad.
“I know it sucks… but I’ve also seen it as a really great opportunity to unwind!” Huggins, whose exorbitantly wealthy family owns a sprawling beach estate in the Hamptons, said to her close friends over Zoom.
Gliding a fresh stick of Burt’s Bees across her cracked lips, area woman Julia Dupree recently accepted that she is nothing more than a slave to Big Chapstick. “The chapstick companies pump it out, and I gobble it up like a piggy at the trough,” Dupree sighed, recounting how, no matter how many chapsticks she already has, she keeps buying them under the omnipresent force of the lip balm industry.
Preparing his scalpel for a routine tendonitis surgery, doctor Reggie Cromley hoped, once again, that he would discover a new bone during the procedure. “Every time we open someone up, I do some digging,” the doctor confessed, rubbing his hands together in anticipation as he imagined making such a groundbreaking discovery.
If you are reading this, it can mean only one thing: I, Jim Henson, trailblazing puppeteer, have passed on. Sad, yes, but let’s not dwell on that. What you must know is this: my ashes are hidden in one of the Muppets. But I cannot tell you which one, because I myself do not know.
To the Class of 2024: welcome. I know this might not be the freshman year you had in mind, but your resilience in the face of unexpected obstacles is nothing short of awe-inspiring. I mean, look at you. You’re missing out on so many joyous occasions, like orientation, in-person shopping period, and breathing the same air as former Dean of the College Maud Mandel.
Sources report that, despite starting college in the midst of a global pandemic, freshman Doris Scarpeppo has already achieved the #1 best part of the Brown experience by getting to read The Brown Noser.
“That’s the most quintessential Brown experience there is,” said senior Jake Crosley, noticing Scarpeppo perusing The Noser while waiting in the mail room.
Cheerfully greeting those waiting in line at the OMAC, the nice man administering temperature checks for COVID testing was completely unaware that he is a proxy mother figure for hundreds of homesick freshmen.
“Good morning! How are you doing today?” the kind man asked one freshman, with no way of knowing that he consistently provides the emotional equivalent of a warm hug to a vast number of 18-year-olds who are completely detached from home for the first time in their lives.
In an email addressed to the Brown community on Wednesday, President Christina Paxson offered clarification on the University’s COVID guidelines, stating that students can each have one little kiss on Valentine’s Day.
“In light of the COVID-19 pandemic, it has been more difficult than ever to stay connected with others, which is why we are allowing students one tiny kiss on February 14,” the email said, adding that, while not ideal, mitigating larger kisses will lessen the chance of a COVID outbreak on campus in the long run.
Woefully looking back on her four years of college which are about to come to a close, senior Babette Miller mourned the loss of her senior year like she’s not about to replicate her entire college experience in Brooklyn for the next five or so years.
Friends of Billy Hornsby have reported that ever since he declared a semester-long leave, the junior economics concentrator has been acting like counterculture icon and Beat-era novelist Jack Kerouac.
“It’s not like he’s on a cross-country road trip with a ragtag crew of poets, but he’s certainly acting like that’s the case,” Hornsby’s roommate said as the .5er crouched over a ragged notebook, scribbling stream-of-consciousness lines of prose about his newfound bohemian lifestyle.
According to her children, area mother Maria Drummond is running with every one of Venmo’s GIF suggestions. “Every time she requests my share of the cellphone bill, she picks one of the GIFs Venmo suggests of a cellphone doing a little dance or something,” said Drummond’s daughter, adding that her mother will often include a GIF that isn’t remotely related to the purpose of the payment.
Knowing that it would soon begin to cave in on itself in a dramatic process of decay, a jack-o-lantern peacefully awaited death on area parents Wanda and James Allister’s front stoop this past week. “It knows what’s coming, and it’s okay with that,” commented the couple’s daughter, Jessica Allister, sizing up the gourd that unflinchingly embraced the circle of life.
Roommates of Carl Boroughs ’21 have reported that he’s making the nastiest little tuna dish. “He threw a can of tuna, mayo, dijon mustard, chopped onions, lemon zest, and tomato paste in a bowl,” said senior Rachel Matthews of her roommate’s repulsing lunch, which he casually made right in front of her as she tried to pay attention in a meeting.
After a slide that read “In Loving Memory of Gayle Emerson, 1948 – 2020” appeared at the end of a recent episode of “Young Sheldon,” sources reported that the homage is exactly what show producer Mark Emerson’s deceased mother would have wanted.
Sources report that, somehow, those boys are still playing pool in the basement of Faunce.
“I knew they never really stopped playing pool when the University was functioning as usual,” said junior Martha Rosenberg, who was surprised to encounter the boys when she noticed a door to Faunce was ajar and went inside.
According to the tenants at 63 John Street, their off-campus residence abides by a strict Novelty Cup Only rule.
“We like to keep things fun around here,” reported roommate Bree Dobbins ’21, opening a cupboard to reveal multiple shelves of kitschy drinking vessels.
Confidently avoiding a random block of time as she filled out a when2meet for a club meeting, sophomore Jenna Mills was sure to alter her availability even though she has zero obligations.
“I can’t have everyone knowing I don’t do anything with my time,” Mills explained, self-consciously checking everyone else’s availability to make sure she didn’t look completely lame.
According to sources across campus, Brown Dining Services is severely overestimating how much adults in the 18-22 age bracket enjoy eating eggs. “They way overshot it on this one,” said sophomore Jim Marino, clearing out the dozens of hardboiled eggs that have piled up in his fridge over the past few months thanks to prepackaged Ratty meals.
Speaking in an interview concerning the coronavirus pandemic in the upcoming winter season, Dr. Anthony Fauci repeatedly warned of the months ahead like the weathered leader of a starving pilgrim town.
“Things are going to take a downward turn as soon as the air starts getting chillier,” Fauci said, as if he were about to break the news to his struggling 17th-century settlement that their supply of cured meats would barely last through January.
Sitting bolt upright in bed last Thursday night, President Christina Paxson awoke, drenched in sweat, with the phrase “triple commencement” running through her head.
“No no no no,” Paxson whispered shakily as the words ran through her mind on a loop, desperately staving off images of overbooked hotels, a Campus Dance with 20,000 attendees, and throngs of disgruntled family members descending on The Blue Room.
Speaking at a daily press briefing on the COVID-19 pandemic, Rhode Island governor Gina Raimondo backtracked this week on an earlier guideline banning gatherings of 15 or more people after learning that SAO’s Event Planning 101 workshop is mandatory for all student groups.
According to a recent email sent by Marty Granoff to last year’s Granoff Dinner attendees, this year’s dinner will be restricted to essential rich assholes only.
“I understand that the Granoff Dinner is an important event for all extravagantly wealthy snobs,” the email read, explaining that the volume of horrible millionaires that usually attend the dinner isn’t doable due to public health guidelines.
According to a recent post on Dear Blueno, frequent commenter Ella McCormick ’22 wants everyone to know she fucks. An anonymous post seeking advice about a struggling long-term relationship gave McCormick a convenient platform to broadcast the nature of her sex life to the Brown community.
Wistfully thinking back to simpler times, senior Tripp Carpenter was already starting to miss the feeling of seriously considering showing up to office hours every few weeks. “Things won’t be the same without waking up in the morning fully intending to go to office hours, then deciding to fuck around with my friends in the Blue Room instead,” Carpenter sighed, reminiscing about all the stimulating academic conversations he deeply considered seeking out every once in a while.
Visibly flinching as they reminded themselves of the inevitable, students in the Brown community braced themselves for the impending arrival of Zoom a cappella.
“Everyone knew this was coming,” said junior Jazzy Thompson, shivering as she imagined virtual covers of “Somebody To Love” and “Karma Chameleon,” among other a cappella standards that are sure to devastate Facebook feeds and inboxes this fall by way of grainy screen recordings.
Across the country, college campuses turned to ghost towns this year. With students and professors hunkered down inside, the adverse effect of COVID-19 on colleges and universities became clear. The toll of this pandemic is high and will continue to rise.
Every day I wake up drenched in tears. Food doesn’t taste good, I don’t crack a smile at jokes — nothing brings me joy. All because I won’t get to see the student plays that were supposed to go up this year at Brown University.
Without fail, tears start streaming down my face the moment my eyes open each morning.
I know it’s depressing that classes were cancelled, but let’s try to be rational. At least we’ll be back to campus in September!
That’s such a conservative guess too. Like the email never said we WON’T come back after Spring Break. And it looks like commencement is still on! But in the very least, this will all be behind us in September.
In the wake of the departure of thousands of students from campus, sources report that the University’s Main Green has reverted to a lively jungle ecosystem.
“I guess there was a silver lining to this fiasco all along,” said sophomore Laila Katz, whose decision to remain on campus left her privy to the ecological flourishing of the large patch of grass.
Choking the phrase out between sobs, a tear-soaked Rashid Zia attempted to calm himself during another restless night by repeating the words “Mind if I sit with you?” over and over again.
“Mind…mind if I sit with… with… you,” Zia muttered shakily as a fresh tear rolled down his cheek, barely getting the words out without completely losing it.
Pressing play on a Dixie Chicks CD and gleefully removing her loafers, President Christina Paxson took to blasting music and sliding across University Hall’s hardwood floors in socks during the seventh week of Brown’s shutdown.
“This is invigorating!” Paxson shouted over the music as she jetted down hardwood floors in her stockings.
According to reports from the thousands of students who fled Brown last month, there’s a solid chance that the campus is full of tumbleweeds now. “It’s sort of unclear what’s going on back at Brown, but one thing’s basically for sure: an immense amount of tumbleweeds are drifting about, carried only by gusts of howling wind,” the report stated, emphasizing that these tumbleweeds are likely accompanied by severe dust storms, creepy lizards who skitter out of your path as you walk, and ear-splitting creaking noises emitted from every door on campus.
After trying on a dress in the Nordstrom dressing room this past week, area woman Margaret Crostini was forced to slink back into the dumb bitch clothes she had entered the store wearing.
“After trying on these new clothes, my old clothes seem so, so dumb,” Crostini lamented, sighing as she suited back up in the idiot ensemble that she somehow decided was a good idea when she left the house that morning.
Assembling a line of folding chairs in the center of Leeds Theater last Sunday, the cast of Sock & Buskin’s recent play “My Country, My Time” was generous enough to treat its audience to a post-show talkback.
“We really lucked out!” commented Charisse Bedford ’21 as the 4-person cast fielded questions from their rapt, lavishly-spoiled audience, shedding light on the one-act play that commented on a gamut of heavy topics from climate anxiety to the American dream.
Barely concealing their excitement as their classmate raised his hand in response to a question last Tuesday, sources reported that the entirety of British student Spencer Callahan’s archaeology section becomes tense with delight whenever he speaks.
Pacing back and forth during a recent meeting, the editors-in-chief of The College Hill Independent were scrambling to redeem themselves after realizing their recent issue made a little bit of sense.
“We have to do some real damage control here,” design editor Nick Bates ‘20 said, despondently scanning the recent issue that didn’t contain a single two-page spread of blurry film negatives and actually made a comprehensible point about climate change in one of its essays.
According to those in attendance at The Bear Necessities’ latest arch sing, one guy in the a cappella group was just going “shoop.”
The three-song set, which contained a Disney medley, “American Boy,” and “Lovefool,” was a feat for Owen Markinson ‘23, who just went “shoop” for 20 minutes straight while everyone else took turns singing harmonies, beatboxing, and performing high-energy solos.
Reflecting on her recent breakup, area woman Kelly Shields was pleased to find that she was able to reframe everything her ex-boyfriend ever did into a glaring red flag in hindsight.
“Remember how Josh would never pet strangers’ dogs?” Shields vented to a friend, suddenly and conveniently realizing that everything her former boyfriend ever did should have been interpreted as a signal to break up.
Taking a blind risk as he completed his turn in a game of Scrabble this weekend, area man Drip McGill was just crossing his fingers that “dup” was somehow a word. “I’m out of options,” McGill confessed, hesitantly edging his U and P tiles beneath a D to create the questionable sequence of letters.
According to sources at India Point Park this morning, local toddler Rueben Sogin was basically all parka. “He’s so bundled up, I can barely tell there’s a toddler inside all that parka!” said onlooker Meg Bartles, observing as the toddler waddled around a playground in his down-filled puffer, which essentially rendered him more coat than child. “He must be warm though!” At press time, after taking a bath, the toddler was mostly towel.
In a press conference Tuesday, Spotify CEO Daniel Ek revealed that a new update to the app will present listeners with a pop-up that reads “Are You Sure?” before it lets them play any song in Nevada pop rock band Imagine Dragons’ discography. “Among a variety of exciting new features, this update will display a special warning window before any listener can play Imagine Dragons," Ek stated, gesturing to a large mock-up of the cautionary message that will greet visitors to the band’s artist page.
Let me make one thing clear: a director is nothing without an amazing team of actors. From Lady Bird to Little Women, I’ve been blessed to work with some of the top names in the industry: Saoirse Ronan, Lucas Hedges, and even Oscar-winner Laura Dern.
Sizing up a small enamel pin featuring a bear and the phrase “Go Bruno,” Brown Bookstore manager Jasmine Gnudson insisted that the item was worth 40 bucks easy.
“This isn’t just any old knick-knack,” Gnudson said, inspecting the sleek lacquer on the nickel-sized pin.
Welcome! Please scan your items and follow the system prompts. Then, quick, come in close and give me a little smooch. They won’t even see.
If you have an ExtraCare card, please scan now. And then just lean in and kiss me. Real quick-like. A tiny peck.
Cleverly outsmarting his German Shepherd, sources report that area man Shilo Kraft has found that he can get his pet to take its meds by sneaking them into piles of shit.
“Goose used to hate taking his antibiotics,” Kraft explained, checking that the dog was safely asleep before he began concealing the pills in mounds of shit in the backyard.
Anxiously checking over her shoulder as she entered Urban Outfitters’ intimates sections, area woman Carla Mipp was reportedly behaving as though she were buying cocaine rather than browsing the store’s collection of panties.
“She was trying not to look interested,” fellow shopper Meg Buffalo recalled, describing how Mipp was initially skirting around the panties display as if she were meeting a dealer of hard drugs in an alley.
Cracking a slight grin as he caught a glimpse of his reflection in a window, sources report that area hot man Doug McBriddle smiles a little every time he remembers that he’s hot. “Oh yeah, I’ve got it going on,” McBriddle muttered under his breath, a movie-star smile spreading across his chiseled face as he was again struck with a reminder that he exceeds conventional standards of attractiveness.
Carefully weighing her emotional needs, area woman Gabi Lewis decided recently to save getting super into Joni Mitchell for her next emotional breakdown, rather than wasting it on her current one.
“I thought that now might be the time,” Lewis remarked, noting that her recent breakup could be taken as a cue to listen to nothing but Blue for three months straight.
Students in Hope High School’s intro Spanish course have reported that every single person pictured in their textbook is wearing a solid-colored T-shirt.
“There’s not a single person in this book who isn’t wearing a sturdy T-shirt in a primary or secondary color,” student Nellie Diman observed, gesturing to a page-spanning spread of friends in a cafe.
Giving a rushed disclaimer as a 15-second commercial played before the YouTube video he was showing you, Corbin Wellington made super sure that you knew this was just an ad and not the actual video.
“Oh shit,” Wellington said as he brandished his phone in front of your face.
Checking the forecast as they prepared to get dressed this morning, sources across the country reported that it’s almost time for poofy coats. “It’s been chilly lately but not super cold,” area woman Michelle Warner explained as she removed her heavy-duty puffer coat from storage and packed away her light jackets.
As they traveled across campus in a towering cluster, sources observed that tall boy Brent Hallquist is friends with other tall boys. “Oh wow,” said sophomore Sylvie Crenshaw as the 6’4" Hallquist and his towering friends traversed the Main Green.
Cheering on the staff of The College Hill Independent, sources across campus have reported that The Indy is doing such a good job with their little newspaper.
“Awwww look at them go!” Cassandra Marino ’21 commented as Indy staffers deposited stacks of their adorable paper around campus.
Apparently, we literally have a class called “Old-Time String Band” here… Weird, right? Students across campus have expressed confusion over their hypothetical ability to take a class that is not something you can or necessarily should make a class out of.
Poring over his sparse resume, senior Jake Peters decided that, fuck it, “Proficient in Google Docs” was going on there.
“I know that Google Docs isn’t exactly a talent,” Peters confessed as he figured he might as well add the line to the “Skills” section of his resume.
Figuring it adds a little extra something to campus occurrences, Brown has been tossing bagpipers into just about any event recently.
“At first we only had bagpipers at very specific events,” university spokeswoman Aubrey Barnes explained, noting convocation and graduation as happenings that have warranted bagpipers in the past.
It’s been one of the greatest joys of my life to attend Brown University. I’ve met so many amazing people and encountered some truly awesome opportunities. Overall, my Brown experience has been nothing short of perfect, aside from one little thing: I just wish we had more experimental theater here.
Patients of Sarah Marsh DDS have reported that the dentist and her hygienist, Emily Phillips, are clearly employing some sort of good cop, bad cop strategy in their practice.
“The hygienist was so sweet,” patient Joe Clemente said after a disorienting appointment with the pair.
Looking on with concern as their young son played with his plastic dinosaurs, local couple Greg and Amanda Cassmeier concluded that the 5-year-old’s dinosaur obsession is significantly less cute now that he’s admitted he just wants to know how the prehistoric creatures would taste.
A team of pediatric specialists at the Roger Williams Medical Center have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, area baby Oliver Welbourn hates being waved at. “We ran Oliver through a series of psychological tests that conclusively proved that he absolutely loathes any sort of wave or other friendly gesture aimed in his direction,” lead researcher Miriam McCallister reported, adding that even a wave accompanied by a silly face is detestable to the 6-month-old infant.
Volunteers at the Woonsocket 5k Charity Run have reported that the free t-shirts they received are those soft ones. “Oooooh we’re being pampered,” said Tess Baskin, one of the volunteers who was pleasantly surprised by the exceptionally plush t-shirts. “It’s that heathered grey fabric that’s so so soft. This is a step above your typical free shirt, that’s for sure.” At press time, Baskin noted that the t-shirt would be great for sleeping in.
Chuckling to himself as he gleefully selected a series of emojis to accompany a payment to his friend, area man Scott Wendell made it clear that Venmo memos serve as his primary creative outlet.
“It’s so fun!” he exclaimed, scrolling through his past memos that had each given him a tiny burst of creative stimulation.
Sizing up an oak tree in an area park, local dad Barry Shay reported that a tree that thick must be pretty old. “Take a look at that diameter,” Shay commented, attempting unsuccessfully to engage his entire family in the observation. “If you sliced that baby open, well, I wouldn’t be surprised to find some 90-odd rings. Incredible.” At press time, Shay added that the bird that just flew by must be some sort of hawk.
Meandering across campus in a serpentine line, students in freshman Unit 12 have become so close-knit in the first two weeks of school that they all hold hands everywhere they go.
“We just really get along,” said Polly McGarron, intertwining her fingers with her unit mates on either side.
I’ll be the first to say it: it’s not easy to be a woman in comedy. A longtime “boys’ club,” writers’ rooms across this country are in desperate need of material that actively includes and empowers women. As a woman in comedy myself, I feel an urgent responsibility to bring this initiative to my own work at The Brown Noser, which brings me to the following declaration: From now on, I will only write headlines about bras.
Hey. Dave here. You know—Dave from Dave’s Coffee. And I have a bone to pick with everyone, something that’s really being weighing on me lately: why are you drinking all my coffee? Please stop doing that. It’s mine.
I don’t know how much clearer I’m supposed to make it.
Gathering their new recruits in a circle, a cappella group The PemBlokes initiated their 4 new members this past weekend with an adorable little blood pact.
“This is just a cute little thing we do to make the new guys feel special,” president Carl Stroop said while polishing a ceremonial knife.
Abandoning tradition in a commitment to social progress, a cappella group The Jabberwocks made strides towards equality this week by allowing anyone, regardless of gender, to audition for their pointless group with a dumb name.
“This is years in the making,” president Jonathan Shay ‘20 proudly explained, emphasizing that an immense amount of thought went into the pivotal decision for his silly a cappella group with a needlessly stupid name.
Reflecting on his first few weeks at college, freshman Jonah Biller decided that, as far as a personality goes, being from New York should just about do it.
“During the icebreaking activities with my unit, I was wondering how I could make myself stand out,” Biller said, recounting his epiphany that being from New York provides everything he’d ever need in a personality.
Proudly addressing distinguished faculty and staff on Monday, President Christian Paxson announced the findings of a recent study indicating that the Class of 2023 is an entire 5% hotter than the preceding Class of 2022.
“Every year we strive for an incoming class that exhibits a continuing devotion to improving our university,” Paxson declared at the recent faculty luncheon.
Conspicuously clomping up and down campus hallways, multiple sources have reported that the entire staff of Brown/RISD weekly The College Hill Independent has matching clogs now. “Yeah I guess they all wore clogs anyway and thought it’d be better to match,” one onlooker suspected as 30-some Indy staff members headed to a meeting in identical pairs of chunky, slightly-heeled clogs.
Holding up a growing line last Tuesday as she failed to recognize the subtleties of ordering at the popular student breakfast spot, freshman Shanice Weber was spotted doing everything wrong in Bagel Gourmet.
“Right off the bat, she stood in the pay line to order her bagel,” BG regular Terry Mann recalled of Weber’s maiden trip to the bagel shop.
Fans of the animated children’s show “Farmyard Pals” have reported that the protagonist, Pat Pig, is mostly snout. “That pig is 80% snout at least,” said viewer Shane Crosby, gesturing to the character’s vast muzzle. “He has hands and feet, sure, but they fade in comparison to that massive snout. It’s completely unrealistic.” At press time, Pat Pig’s cartoon rabbit sidekick was about half ears.
Sources report that although actor Hugh Jackman is so strong, he is also somehow blessed with a voice so sweet. “You’d think that a man this strong would not have a beautiful, crystal-clear singing voice,” said film expert Addy Santiago. “But Jackman shatters the status quo.
Dr. Alexandria Webb’s patients have reported that the doctor won’t stop using icky words.
“Completely disgusting,” complained patient Joe Bergo after an appointment with Webb. “She said all sorts of icky things like sphincter, fluid, orifice, and bowel.
Customers at the Campus Market have reported that student cashier Brandon Day is really setting up camp back there.
“It must get pretty boring behind the register,” said Shannon Carlson ’22. “I totally get bringing some homework or a good book, but he went the extra mile and brought blankets and a little mug of tea, and he has his feet kicked up on the counter like he owns the place.”
“He must have a pretty long shift,” Carlson continued as the cashier took off his shoes and replaced them with cozy slippers.
According to a report by the Providence Business Bureau, the recently-opened Thayer Street Shake Shack is being rivaled by a new restaurant up the street, something simply called “Malt Shed”.
“They’re probably trying to piggyback on the success of Shake Shack,” said Mandy Shapiro, Shake Shack’s manager.
Jo’s is really milking those three tiny burners in the corner, sources reported.
“Those burners are so small,” said freshman Maya Curry. “It’s honestly inspiring how much use they get out of them. Dumplings, pasta, you name it. No one asked for this, but for some reason they’re pulling out all the stops with this ‘Three Burners’ thing."
Curry emphasized that the versatility of the three mini burners has been proven time and time again.
Terrified students in Professor Jim Cobble’s CLPS300 class have reported that the professor signs off every email with “See You In Hell.”
“My god, he did it again,” said student Jim Stork with a tinge of horror in his voice as he scanned an email from Cobble.
Sources report that an anonymous admin has created a new Facebook page, “Brown/Blueno Bears Admirers Admirers,” to provide a platform to those students who wish to admire Brown’s other admirers pages.
“I wanted to help spread positivity around Brown’s campus,” explained the admin, whose page has posted hundreds of anonymous compliments.
Sources report that an old man in a new movie was once a young man in an old movie. “That man is definitely old,” film analysts reported, referring to the new movie. “But if you take a look at this old movie, you’ll find that the same man is young.
Following a series of meaningless tweets, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Twitter followers reported that the Hamilton star is tweeting in his own made-up nonsense language at this point.
“I used to like Lin’s tweets,” follower Trey Montagne explained.
Sources report that Brown a cappella group The Pitch Bears is saving up enough money for a big, big arch sing in St. Louis.
“We love a good arch sing under Wayland Arch and sometimes even MoChamp arch,” said treasurer Shayla Key ’20 as she pored over the group’s budget.
Sources reported Thursday that a senior still making Blueno jokes is absolutely, 100% dead inside. Sporting a blank stare, Mandy Turner ’19 robotically delivered joke after joke concerning the statue.
“Blueno is my son,” Turner reported in a complete monotone, as the color in her face drained and her eyes glazed over.
A lab rat at Brown’s biology research center wants a little coat too, researchers report. “All of our researchers are required to wear white lab coats on the job,” lab executive Katie Mills explained. “Based on our research, it’s become clear that one particular rat wants a little white coat for himself.
Local mailman Kurt Euler is wearing his little shorts today, sources said. “Look—he’s not wearing the pants like normal, he’s wearing little shorts!” exclaimed a resident on Euler’s route, peering out her window as the mailman cheerfully made his rounds. “He looks so breezy and comfortable. The mailman pants are an okay look, but nothing screams ‘fun’ quite like those shorts!” At press time, Euler put on a little cap.
A sophisticated woman was spotted feeding pigeons tiny baguettes instead of bread crumbs at India Point Park on Sunday. “She looked like a typical park-goer from a distance,” said area woman Michelle Zane after witnessing the fancy lady sprinkling miniature French loaves across the sidewalk.
Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain!
Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.
Sources at the Daytona 500 report that classy NASCAR driver Brent Livers only races limos. “I know he’s a classy guy but this is true commitment,” said spectator Bryan Willis as the limo meandered around the track. “Taking on those tight turns in a 30-foot-long limo is a real gutsy move.
After a RISD party on Saturday, students in attendance reported that the event consisted of cigarettes, baggy pants, and nothing else.
“We walked in and literally everyone was smoking cigarettes,” Brown sophomore Daniel Schwartz recalled. “Nothing else was happening.
Sources report that Production Workshop’s most recent student-written play, “Windswept Summer,” has just one prop.
“The main character was drinking out of a champagne glass in the first scene,” audience member Tim Haugerud recalled. “I had no idea where he was supposed to be, but I knew it must be fancy because of that glass.
According to Ratty patrons, there’s some old guy in there again. “Oh look he’s back,” remarked Clay Bartles ’21 after spotting the stranger near the desserts. “He just sits there quietly by himself. I have so many questions. Like, where did he come from? Why is he here? Does he just like the food? Does he pay to be here—and if so, why? He seems to know all the chefs personally, but he clearly doesn’t work here.
Signing off on an email to his professor, junior Brandon Roth reported that the message was composed entirely of exclamation points. “I threw in an exclamation point to make it seem laid-back,” Roth recalled as he considered sending the email. “But it was still so dry.
Sources report that local grandma Wanda Emmers is still trying to wrap her head around ripped jeans.
“Why ruin nice pants with holes?” Emmers wondered aloud, staring quizzically at her grandson’s distressed Levi’s. “That would be a suitable pair of jeans if someone hadn’t taken a knife to them! His knees must be so cold.
Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so.
I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.
As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break.
“I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.
Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy.
“I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.
Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.
Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries.
“Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.
Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.
After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug.
“I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.
As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady.
“This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.
During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.
Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.
Sources report that yoga instructor Carl Lynch was really getting twisty in his Tuesday night class. “We started with some downward dog and some warrior pose, but then he wrapped his leg around his torso like he’s made of rubber or something," observed class participant Harry Ballard.
After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one.
“All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.
In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.
In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks.
“She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.
As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.
According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs.
“Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.
Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.
Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture.
“Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.
Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.
Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.
Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.”
Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.
NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.
Partly Cloudy, 64°
