Sunday, August 25, 2019
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The Brown Noser

Abby Johnson


Abby's articles

Cartoon Pig Mostly Snout | Apr 19 2019

Fans of the animated children’s show “Farmyard Pals” have reported that the protagonist, Pat Pig, is mostly snout. “That pig is 80% snout at least,” said viewer Shane Crosby, gesturing to the character’s vast muzzle. “He has hands and feet, sure, but they fade in comparison to that massive snout. It’s completely unrealistic.” At press time, Pat Pig’s cartoon rabbit sidekick was about half ears.

Report: Hugh Jackman So Strong With a Voice So Sweet | Apr 19 2019

Sources report that although actor Hugh Jackman is so strong, he is also somehow blessed with a voice so sweet. “You’d think that a man this strong would not have a beautiful, crystal-clear singing voice,” said film expert Addy Santiago. “But Jackman shatters the status quo.

Doctor Won’t Stop Using Icky Words | Apr 19 2019

Dr. Alexandria Webb’s patients have reported that the doctor won’t stop using icky words. “Completely disgusting,” complained patient Joe Bergo after an appointment with Webb. “She said all sorts of icky things like sphincter, fluid, orifice, and bowel.

Campus Market Cashier Really Setting Up Camp Back There | Apr 19 2019

Customers at the Campus Market have reported that student cashier Brandon Day is really setting up camp back there. “It must get pretty boring behind the register,” said Shannon Carlson ’22. “I totally get bringing some homework or a good book, but he went the extra mile and brought blankets and a little mug of tea, and he has his feet kicked up on the counter like he owns the place.” “He must have a pretty long shift,” Carlson continued as the cashier took off his shoes and replaced them with cozy slippers.

Shake Shack On Thayer Threatened By Something Called “Malt Shed” | Apr 19 2019

According to a report by the Providence Business Bureau, the recently-opened Thayer Street Shake Shack is being rivaled by a new restaurant up the street, something simply called “Malt Shed”. “They’re probably trying to piggyback on the success of Shake Shack,” said Mandy Shapiro, Shake Shack’s manager.

Jo’s Really Milking Those Three Tiny Burners In The Corner | Apr 19 2019

Jo’s is really milking those three tiny burners in the corner, sources reported. “Those burners are so small,” said freshman Maya Curry. “It’s honestly inspiring how much use they get out of them. Dumplings, pasta, you name it. No one asked for this, but for some reason they’re pulling out all the stops with this ‘Three Burners’ thing." Curry emphasized that the versatility of the three mini burners has been proven time and time again.

Terrifying Professor Signs Off Emails With “See You In Hell” | Apr 19 2019

Terrified students in Professor Jim Cobble’s CLPS300 class have reported that the professor signs off every email with “See You In Hell.” “My god, he did it again,” said student Jim Stork with a tinge of horror in his voice as he scanned an email from Cobble.

Anonymous Admin Creates New Admirers Page Where People Can Admire the Other Admirers Pages | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that an anonymous admin has created a new Facebook page, “Brown/Blueno Bears Admirers Admirers,” to provide a platform to those students who wish to admire Brown’s other admirers pages. “I wanted to help spread positivity around Brown’s campus,” explained the admin, whose page has posted hundreds of anonymous compliments.

Report: Old Man in New Movie Was Once Young Man in Old Movie | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that an old man in a new movie was once a young man in an old movie. “That man is definitely old,” film analysts reported, referring to the new movie. “But if you take a look at this old movie, you’ll find that the same man is young.

Lin-Manuel Miranda Tweeting in Own Made-Up Nonsense Language at This Point | Mar 08 2019

Following a series of meaningless tweets, Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Twitter followers reported that the Hamilton star is tweeting in his own made-up nonsense language at this point. “I used to like Lin’s tweets,” follower Trey Montagne explained.

Senior Who Still Makes Blueno Jokes Absolutely Dead Inside | Mar 08 2019

Sources reported Thursday that a senior still making Blueno jokes is absolutely, 100% dead inside. Sporting a blank stare, Mandy Turner ’19 robotically delivered joke after joke concerning the statue. “Blueno is my son,” Turner reported in a complete monotone, as the color in her face drained and her eyes glazed over.

A Cappella Group Saving Up Enough Money For Big, Big Arch Sing in St. Louis | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Brown a cappella group The Pitch Bears is saving up enough money for a big, big arch sing in St. Louis. “We love a good arch sing under Wayland Arch and sometimes even MoChamp arch,” said treasurer Shayla Key ’20 as she pored over the group’s budget.

Lab Rat Wants a Little Coat Too | Mar 08 2019

A lab rat at Brown’s biology research center wants a little coat too, researchers report. “All of our researchers are required to wear white lab coats on the job,” lab executive Katie Mills explained. “Based on our research, it’s become clear that one particular rat wants a little white coat for himself.

Mailman Wearing His Little Shorts Today | Mar 08 2019

Local mailman Kurt Euler is wearing his little shorts today, sources said. “Look—he’s not wearing the pants like normal, he’s wearing little shorts!” exclaimed a resident on Euler’s route, peering out her window as the mailman cheerfully made his rounds. “He looks so breezy and comfortable. The mailman pants are an okay look, but nothing screams ‘fun’ quite like those shorts!” At press time, Euler put on a little cap.

Sophisticated Woman Feeds Pigeons Tiny Baguettes | Mar 08 2019

A sophisticated woman was spotted feeding pigeons tiny baguettes instead of bread crumbs at India Point Park on Sunday. “She looked like a typical park-goer from a distance,” said area woman Michelle Zane after witnessing the fancy lady sprinkling miniature French loaves across the sidewalk.

Oh Boy Providence, Do I Have a Treat for You! You’ll Never Guess—It’s More Rain! I Know How Much You Looove Rain! by God | Mar 08 2019

Hi Providence! It’s me, God. You’ve been so good lately. So good that you maybe deserve… a little treat?! Yeah? You like the sound of that? Well, strap yourselves in because I have something up my sleeve that will really tickle your fancy—it’s rain! More rain! I know how much you looove rain! Every time I look down on the beautiful city of Providence, I can just tell that every person down there is practically begging for more sweet, sweet precipitation.

Classy NASCAR Driver Only Races Limos | Mar 08 2019

Sources at the Daytona 500 report that classy NASCAR driver Brent Livers only races limos. “I know he’s a classy guy but this is true commitment,” said spectator Bryan Willis as the limo meandered around the track. “Taking on those tight turns in a 30-foot-long limo is a real gutsy move.

RISD Party Consists of Cigarettes, Baggy Pants, Nothing Else | Mar 08 2019

After a RISD party on Saturday, students in attendance reported that the event consisted of cigarettes, baggy pants, and nothing else. “We walked in and literally everyone was smoking cigarettes,” Brown sophomore Daniel Schwartz recalled. “Nothing else was happening.

PW Show Has One Prop | Mar 08 2019

Sources report that Production Workshop’s most recent student-written play, “Windswept Summer,” has just one prop. “The main character was drinking out of a champagne glass in the first scene,” audience member Tim Haugerud recalled. “I had no idea where he was supposed to be, but I knew it must be fancy because of that glass.

Report: There Some Old Guy in Ratty Again | Mar 08 2019

According to Ratty patrons, there’s some old guy in there again. “Oh look he’s back,” remarked Clay Bartles ’21 after spotting the stranger near the desserts. “He just sits there quietly by himself. I have so many questions. Like, where did he come from? Why is he here? Does he just like the food? Does he pay to be here—and if so, why? He seems to know all the chefs personally, but he clearly doesn’t work here.

Email to Professor Just Exclamation Points | Mar 08 2019

Signing off on an email to his professor, junior Brandon Roth reported that the message was composed entirely of exclamation points. “I threw in an exclamation point to make it seem laid-back,” Roth recalled as he considered sending the email. “But it was still so dry.

Grandma Still Can't Wrap Head Around Ripped Jeans | Dec 07 2018

Sources report that local grandma Wanda Emmers is still trying to wrap her head around ripped jeans. “Why ruin nice pants with holes?” Emmers wondered aloud, staring quizzically at her grandson’s distressed Levi’s. “That would be a suitable pair of jeans if someone hadn’t taken a knife to them! His knees must be so cold.

“Heavenly” Hazelnut? I Don’t Think So. | Dec 07 2018

Hey! Ratty. I’ve got a question for you. Where do you get off lying to us like this? I see straight through you and I’m not going to let you get away with this. I mean, “Heavenly” Hazelnut? I don’t think so. I came to the Ratty for a delicious caffeine boost.

Student Can't Wait For An Exciting Winter Break Spent Hating Every Second Of Winter Break | Dec 07 2018

As she booked her flight home, sophomore Carly Riese expressed her excitement for a long month of winter break, which will be spent hating every second of winter break. “I can’t wait to break free from all the stress of school,” Riese explained.

Literary Arts Professor Just A Fleeting, Enigmatic Cloud Of Energy | Oct 26 2018

Filing into Granoff on Wednesday, students in LITR1900 “Universal Poem World: A Look into Vibes of Prose Feelings” prepared for another class taught by an esteemed professor who’s nothing more than a fleeting, enigmatic cloud of energy. “I decided to shop this class because the material looked interesting, but what really sealed the deal was the instructor,” reported sophomore Gerald Fones.

Nitro Cart Employees Admit They Want To Drive It Around Like A Little Clown Car | Oct 26 2018

Wistfully staring at their pint-sized workplace, employees of the Nitro Cart admitted that they want to drive it around like a little clown car. Although the popular coffee stop is beloved by students for its rich, frothy brew, it’s more notorious to employees as a potential mode of novelty transportation.

Senior In Need Of Groceries Decides It’s Time To Catch Up With That One Girl With Car | Oct 26 2018

Fervently digging through his contact list, senior David Minsk decided Wednesday that it was about time to catch up with that girl who has a car, and also time to get groceries. “Moriah was in my unit freshman year,” Minsk said after peering into his empty fridge.

Four-Year-Old Torn Between Becoming Train Kid Or Dinosaur Kid | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that four-year-old Mikey Cassmeier has been struggling to decide whether he wants to become a train kid or a dinosaur kid. Cassmeier, on the cusp of developing a distinct personality, is torn between toting a plastic train everywhere he goes or, alternatively, constantly lugging around a small brontosaurus figurine.

Report: Oh, Ok, Acquaintance Going In For Hug | Oct 26 2018

After an unplanned run-in with acquaintance Ali Kniep in the Blue Room, senior Shelly Emmers reported that, oh, ok, she’s going in for a hug. “I was expecting a friendly nod, maybe a wave," said Emmers, adding that she was in one class with Kniep and that they talked a little, but not enough to deserve a hug.

Woman Applying Body Lotion Feels Like One Fancy Lady | Oct 26 2018

As she applied a generous pump of body lotion to her legs, area woman Megan Sullivan reported that she was feeling like one fancy lady. “This is the definition of luxury,” commented Sullivan, reveling in the spa-like aroma and satiny finish of the moisturizer.

Comedian Spends Entire Set Taking Tiny, Nervous Sips of Water | Oct 26 2018

During a local open mic night, amauteur comedian Jo Bartles spent his entire set taking tiny, nervous sips of water. Although Bartles carefully positioned a glass of water on the stool next to him when he took the stage, audience members had no idea that this would be the peak of his 5-minute set.

If You Rub The 8 Ball Thrice, We Will Emerge From The Walls And Challenge You To A Round Of Billiards by The Faunce Pool Boys | Oct 26 2018

Come closer, friend. Do you hear us? Good. Do you see us? No? Even better. We live in these walls, and we ask that you listen carefully to what we are about to say. It is this: If you rub the 8 ball thrice, we will emerge from the walls and challenge you to a round of billiards.

Yoga Instructor Really Getting Twisty | Oct 26 2018

Sources report that yoga instructor Carl Lynch was really getting twisty in his Tuesday night class. “We started with some downward dog and some warrior pose, but then he wrapped his leg around his torso like he’s made of rubber or something," observed class participant Harry Ballard.

Thoughtful, Self-Aware Man Wishes He Could Be Topic Of Satirical Headline For Once | Sep 14 2018

After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one. “All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.

Starbucks Debuts Lukewarm Brew For Those Temperate, 60-Degree Days | Sep 14 2018

In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.

Rad Surgeon Flips Scalpels Like Drumsticks | Sep 14 2018

In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks. “She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.

Orientation Provides A Cappella Groups With Single, Glorious Night Of Relevance | Sep 14 2018

As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.

RPLs Clearly Putting In Tiniest Amount Of Effort With Pokemon-Themed Door Signs | Sep 14 2018

According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs. “Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.

Student With Fjällräven Backpack Must Have Deep Appreciation for Swedish Culture | Apr 20 2018

Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture. “Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.

BUDS Supervisor Sports Towering Stack of Hats to Assert Dominance | Apr 20 2018

Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.

Fireworks Wish You Would Stop Staring | Apr 20 2018

Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.

Student Wonders if Whispering “Bless You” In Lecture Will Count Towards Participation | Mar 09 2018

Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.

Man With Dave’s Coffee Sticker Not Even That Into Dave’s Coffee | Mar 09 2018

Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.” Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.

Recent NPR News Hour Just 60 Minutes of Jazzy Clarinet Interludes | Mar 09 2018

NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.