After reading some satirical headlines, thoughtful and self-aware man Mason Thompson admitted that he wishes to someday be the topic of one.
“All my friends get razzed by a silly headline every once in awhile," explained Thompson. "Like my buddy really resonated with this “Guy Wearing Shorts in Snow Must be Tough, Rugged Individual” article.
In a press conference on Thursday, Starbucks CEO Kevin Johnson announced the chain’s plans for a new, lukewarm brew coffee that’ll be perfect on temperate, 60-degree days. “If you can’t decide on iced or hot coffee when it’s cool, yet also humid, you’ll love our new Lukewarm Brew," Johnson announced, explaining that Starbucks is capitalizing on a gaping hole in the market for a versatile coffee blend that hits the spot in any climate.
In the midst of a coronary bypass surgery, staff at the East Providence Medical Center reported that rad surgeon Wanda Stills was flipping her scalpels like drumsticks.
“She’s the coolest," nurse Julie Vosskey remarked as the scalpels completed a 360 degree spin above the chest cavity.
As students arrived on campus for first-year orientation, a cappella groups assembled for their single, glorious night of relevance. The annual orientation archsing found droves of vocalists looking to dazzle new students and get their fill of attention for the long year ahead.
According to first-year residents of Morriss Hall, RPLs are clearly putting in the tiniest amount of effort with Pokemon-themed door signs.
“Is this really the best they could do?” asked resident Jimmy Moore, gesturing to his Pikachu-shaped sign.
Sources reported Thursday that a student spotted with a Fjällräven backpack must have a deep appreciation for Swedish culture.
“Fjällräven Kånkens are the epitome of Nordic style,” Kody Brooks ‘19 remarked upon spotting the girl in Faunce.
Veteran BUDS worker Jacob Olsen ‘19, fresh off a promotion to shift supervisor at Andrews Commons, has begun sporting a towering stack of hats to assert his dominance in the workplace. Sources spotted Olsen taking tiny, measured steps behind the pho counter on Wednesday afternoon in efforts to keep his colorful assortment of headwear from toppling to the ground.
Following the thousands of Fourth of July celebrations that took place this Wednesday, fireworks across the nation reported that they really wish you would stop staring at them. “Come on, have some decency people,” the fireworks bashfully complained after a busy Independence Day.
Piping up for the very first time in her anthropology lecture this week, freshman Jolie Hartman silently wondered if her polite “bless you” to a classmate would count towards class participation. As the spring semester barrels forward, Hartman has taken astute notice of the participation requirement for ANTH100 and hopes her comment warrants some credit.
Despite displaying a Dave’s Coffee sticker in the upper corner of his Macbook case, sources report that sophomore Cameron Swiss is not even that into Dave’s Coffee. “It’s good I guess,” Swiss said, “but not my favorite. It’s just alright.”
Sources report that, contrary to what the eye-catching sticker suggests, Swiss isn’t what most would consider a Dave’s devotee.
NPR’s “Morning Edition” skipped the news today in favor of a uninterrupted hour of jazzy clarinet interludes, listeners report. Although the popular radio program touts itself as a leader in world news, this morning it delivered obscure jazz in lieu of hard-hitting stories right up until “Morning Concert” took the air at 9:00.