“The term ‘shooting fish in a barrel’ is frequently invoked to describe a task as foolproof. However, our research indicates that the truth is more complex,” remarked engineering professor Sandra Bohm as a smoking rifle rested atop her desk beside a pile of conspicuously un-shot fish. “After extensive testing, we are led to believe that the fish are more elusive if you put them in a big barrel before attempting to pulverize them with high-powered weaponry.”

“Admittedly, our research is still limited, and there’s so much we still don’t know. For instance, is it harder to shoot all aquatic life if you put them in a really big barrel, or does the relationship only exist for fish?” added Bohm, gesturing outside toward a group of researchers struggling to lodge a blue whale into a comically small barrel. “As academics, it is our job to address these questions with the urgency they deserve.”

At press time, an additional MIT report found that infinity pools are squandering the potential of unlimited water.