“I know things look pretty bleak right now,” said reputed pollster Ann Selzer as she knocked back a shot of Don Julio. “But there’s a path forward here, I can feel it.”

“The Electoral College is obviously her biggest obstacle right now, and also the popular vote I guess,” Selzer continued, furiously emailing her Washington contacts to see if they had “heard anything new come up” since yesterday. “But she has been through tougher battles, and I have no doubt that Harris will come out on top once this is all over.”

“Swing states are where we really need to get some boots on the ground,” Selzer continued as she drunk-texted Nancy Pelosi. “Pennsylvania is gonna be especially important if we want Harris to have a real shot at this one.”

At press time, Selzer had retired.