“Our findings indicate that there’s even more utterly dismal shit to fixate on than whatever you’re currently worrying about,” explained lead author Dr. Helga Woorm. “No matter how overwhelmed you feel, rest assured that you’re not even close to worrying about enough gut-wrenching bullshit.”

“We’ve also found that you could never hope to learn or do enough about this horrifying new shit,” Woorm continued gravely. “This shit is incredibly, unimaginably bad. And our research tells us you should be worrying about it as much as possible, even though we’re also certain you can’t do anything to stop it.”

At press time, Woorm recommended checking Twitter more frequently.