The report indicates that almost $30 million of taxpayer money annually goes towards funding the process of collecting the sticks as well as the labor necessary for shoving them all up Mr. Henderson’s butt, which sources indicate may be an explanation for why he’s such a big jerk all the time.

Though it remains unclear exactly when Mr. Henderson gets the sticks shoved up his butt, sixth grader Bobby Avery said he saw Mr. Henderson at Starbucks right before class with that mean scowl on his face, which indicates the stick-shoving is done some time before 7:30 every morning.

At press time, allegations were surfacing that a line item in Burrillville’s 2015 budget would allocate $300,000 for purchasing a machine to get art teacher Lauren Marsden’s panties in a bunch.