Sam's articles
Sources confirmed that overworked student Abby Harrison ‘18 took time out of her busy day to sit at home and feel really anxious.
Harrison told reporters that despite spending the afternoon running from acappella rehearsal to mock trial to the library, she made sure to schedule a full half hour to sit with the rush of thoughts and worries that are basically the only thing keeping her going at this point.
Shaking her head and gesturing noncommitally to a computer screen, Counseling and Psychological Services secretary Rhonda Aaronson announced the clinic only had appointments available after a year of medical leave.
Aaronson turned to Becca Winger ‘17, a student seeking counseling for worsening issues of depression and anxiety, and told her she could only see a therapist after suffering a major mental health breakdown, taking two semesters away from Brown, and following an opaque readmission process to come back and finish her senior year.
When MGM Studios approached me with the idea to adapt J.R.R. Tolkein’s “The Hobbit” for film, I immediately had a lot of ideas. I thought it would be a great idea to expand the story into a trilogy and further explore the world of Middle Earth by bringing in events from “The Silmarillion.” I also wanted to create new characters to drive the story forward and really expand the battle scenes.
Calling it an “unbelievable coincidence”, singles Jelani DiCantor and Alex Wilson expressed excitement at how compatible their coping mechanisms are, even after just one date.
DiCantor and Wilson decided to have dinner together after meeting on a dating application they both use to deflect insecurities about introducing themselves to strangers.
Calling it an “absolutely essential” part of his morning routine, Josh Runderman ’18 spent several minutes this weekend excitedly explaining the heartbreaking little breakfast routine he repeats every morning before class.
At a party on Saturday night, Runderman walked a group of friends through every step of the ritual, seemingly under the impression that it would make an interesting topic of conversation.
When it comes to puzzles, I’m the top brass. Solving puzzles? Hell, I make those bad boys for "The New York Times"! As a matter of fact, I’d never met a puzzle I couldn’t solve until I lost my Charlene, the only person I’ve ever truly loved.
Currently sitting cross-legged outside the theater of Alexander Hamilton High School, theater kid Jeremy Clifford is never not singing in harmony to whatever noise is happening around him.
Sources report that, whether he’s surrounded by a group of friends singing the harmony to “I Dreamed a Dream” from Les Miserables or sitting in an algebra test controlling his pitch to complement the quiet rustling of pencils on paper, Clifford exists in a constant state of singing a high-pitched tone that turns whatever sound is going on around him into a full major chord.
Trying to appear unworried despite bleak market predictions, National Dental Association spokesman Malik Henderson recommended every American visit the dentist at least twice per day.
“Oral hygiene is incredibly important, a fact that many Americans seem to have forgotten,” said Henderson, pointing a shaking hand at a chart indicating American dentist visits are declining at a rapid rate.
Sipping a glass of Soylent meal replacement beverage, San Francisco venture capitalist Roger Wilkins told reporters he likes to think of his children as start-ups.
“Brian was my first venture, and I really think I learned a lot from him,” said Wilkins, referring to his 26-year-old son who currently works as a social media marketer for an advertisement agency.
Shaking his head wistfully and fidgeting in his seat as he watches television, area man Dale Claiborne has become overwhelmed by a feeling of nostalgia for his previous sitting position. “I was so comfortable back then,” Claiborne said, referring to five minutes ago when he had his right leg crossed over his left knee.
Written on a crumpled Home Depot receipt, area man Jason Mankowitz’s grocery list is just the word “food".
According to sources, Mankowitz repeatedly paused to consult the list before frantically piling an assortment of unrelated items into his overflowing cart.
Entering its fourth minute, a conversation between five friends in the Blue Room has so far consisted entirely of the titles of various television shows.
“How To Get Away With Murder,” said Kara Weaver ’17, continuing the group’s pattern of only mentioning the titles of television shows before continuing on to further titles.
Gripping the steering wheel and staring off into traffic, area dad Rich Cooper has repeatedly started muttering “we’re late” to nobody specific.
Sources inside the family report confusion at Cooper’s behavior, considering the group is on their way to dinner at a local restaurant and has no table reservation to miss or evening plans to rush for.
Calling it “the clear standout among literatures,” the University’s Comparative Literature Department declared English to be the best literature in an announcement Wednesday.
Speaking at a press junket in front of Marston Hall, Department Chair Mark Redfield praised English for its “nearly 1,500 years of consistent achievement” and for “the wealth of subject matters available within its corpus.”
“Not only does English literature include Earnest Hemingway, Shakespeare, and F.
At a press conference Tuesday, Microsoft unveiled a new version of their video-chat service Skype designed specifically for couples in long distance relationships that degrades the quality of its video stream to match a pair’s emotional intimacy over time.
Slipping on a tight-fitting black dress and pouring vodka into an empty gatorade container, freshman Aly Pearlman said that she is “totally stoked” for her upcoming Friday night ritual of crowding into a stranger’s dorm room full of empty vodka bottles.
Refreshing his Facebook message history to see if anyone else had responded, Alex Houston ’17 held off another minute on confirming plans to meet up with a friend until a better friend agreed to come along too. “Yeah, I’m just waiting to make sure I’ll actually be able to make it to the GCB at 7,” Houston wrote to former seminar-classmate Jake Kerns in an attempt to avoid being roped into spending an entire evening with the lesser acquaintance.
Smiling encouragingly at you from a fire escape ladder, the University’s beautiful free spirited students announced plans to take you up onto a roof to watch the city breathe. “You’ve been saying ‘no’ to life,” said beautiful young Lauren Carhartt ‘18 as the afternoon sun reflected off her golden hair.
Throwing his arms up in the air, local programmer Abe Steiglitz recently expressed frustration at his inability to get his beep boop machine to beep enough.
Steiglitz, who has been working on the issue since arriving at the big beep boop code company earlier this morning, has reportedly tried all of the usual beep-coaxing tricks to no avail.
Sources are reporting that only three more months remain until fourth grader Becky Schmidt gets to make a graceful exit from playing the violin.
Becky, who took up the instrument at her parents’ suggestion in September, has spent most of her practice time awaiting the moment when she gets to hang up her bow for good without losing too much face.
Police have been searching for a suspect as a pool hustler has been frequenting local bars and convincing patrons that playing pool might be a fun way to spend their time.
One regular at Salty’s Tavern, Joe Curtis, was taken in by the swindler and played nearly three games before realizing pool is a boring waste of time.
A report released by the Burrillville School Department shows that the district spends almost 20% of their yearly budget on big sticks to put up Burrillville Middle School history teacher Albert Henderson’s butt.
The report indicates that almost $30 million of taxpayer money annually goes towards funding the process of collecting the sticks as well as the labor necessary for shoving them all up Mr.
Sighing happily and shaking her head, Jessica Arlenstone ‘17 used the phrase “Only At Brown” yesterday to refer to an event that could have occurred at any college or university.
The event, a flash mob used to promote an upcoming student theater production, seemed to make sense at Brown just as it would make sense at Yale or the University of Tennessee or any other place of higher education populated by 18 to 22-year-olds.
Area man Rod Stevenson told reporters he often feels a little bit awkward around women and men.
“Sometimes I get flustered when I’m talking to a woman or to anyone else at all,” said Stevenson, who suddenly blurts out embarrassing non-sequiturs and drops his voice when approached by a woman he is attracted to, or a woman he is not attracted to, or a person of any gender identification whatsoever.
There’s no easy way to say it, so I’ll just say it: I think we should stop seeing each other. Please, don’t feel like you’ve done anything wrong. I promise. It’s not you, it’s me. And Jeremy, a man who is better than you in every conceivable way.
As they set up their defensive line to prevent a third down conversion, the Westville High School Jaguars are completely oblivious to the fact they are the antagonists of the fictional universe they inhabit. Westville, who have trained for months in order to prepare for the state championship, have no idea they exist only to act as an obstacle for the story arc of the Cleveland High School Quakers.
Sources are reporting that a dog with a bow in its hair that appears in a newly released movie is likely to be a female dog. The dog was first introduced in the eighth scene of “Dog Psychologist,” when the protagonist—a male German Shepherd named Rusty—spotted the almost-certainly-female dog across the street.
Looking away and pretending not to hear as a group of students in the Ratty begins to sing “Happy Birthday” to a visibly embarrassed friend of theirs, Jeff Eastman ’17 is making it clear he has no plans to get dragged into the whole ordeal.
Sources indicate Eastman will do everything in his power not to be a participant in this fiasco, employing tactics that will include rolling his eyes while looking at a friend sitting nearby and getting up to refill his water.
Sitting in a booth wildly gesticulating with a mashed potato-covered fork, local grandfather Ed Wachowski refuses to stop talking about what things used to be like in the Old Country Buffet.
“They had more respect for their elders, that’s for sure,” said Wachowski.
A new start-up based in Silicon Valley allows its users to stream live video of the eviction of tenants from San Francisco apartment complexes.
Displacr bills itself as a “mobile-first front seat” to the city’s rapidly changing demographics, allowing users to watch as poorer residents are evicted from their homes in San Francisco’s Mission and Outer Richmond neighborhoods.
Filled with dirty dishes that symbolize the way independent actors acting in rational self-interest can wreak havoc on shared common resources, the kitchen sink of 126 Meeting Street epitomizes the classic theory of the tragedy of the commons.
Sources are reporting that local man Cliff Vargas’ daily conversations consist entirely of small talk. Vargas, who has few strong opinions and no close friends with whom he would express them even if he did, speaks exclusively about the boring topics that fill his daily routine, such as the weather and how difficult his job has been recently.
The subject line “A Message From President Paxson” on an email sent to students yesterday virtually guaranteed a message full of thoughtful exchange and a commitment to making substantive, positive change in University policies.
The email, which thousands of University students and staff received with delight, almost certainly promised to reinforce the idea that President Christina Paxson has the best interests of the student body at heart.
Staring in frustration at the Chase.com login page, area man Ben Higgins remarked that he really regrets making his bank security question “What is your password?”
“Why would I think this was a good idea?” said Higgins, who now just feels like a big idiot.
As she continues her work, it is becoming increasingly clear to bystanders that local mural artist Paula Berenson is totally phoning in her newest painting of a line of multicultural people holding hands.
The mural—which Berenson is lackadaisically painting on the brick side-wall of the neighborhood’s community center—depicts a group of people of various genders and races standing in a line while their hands are clasped together, and that’s about it.
At a poolside meeting in a mansion outside of Las Vegas, former United States Secretary of the Treasury Timothy Geithner convinced the crew to come out of retirement for one last job.
“I’m talking about the biggest job since 2009,” said Geithner.
Students at your school interested in a dumb thing started a club to appreciate that dumb thing and even if they would invite you to join them you wouldn’t, because that’s how dumb they all are.
The “Dumb Stupid Worthless Thing Club,” as they should probably call it instead of whatever stupid name they gave it, was started last month by a group of bored idiots who you wouldn’t want to hang out with anyway.
Touring a house with their real estate agent, local couple Mark and Evelyn Abramovitz agreed they could really see themselves living in crippling debt in this place.
As they toured the master bedroom, Mark turned to Evelyn and remarked on how the house’s asking price was well within the range necessary to send the couple into a spiral of mortgage defaults and desperate attempts to refinance.
Hey man, that sounds like a lot of fun, but one second: Who is this? Sorry, I lost my phone and had to get a new one and also I lost all of my memories and I had to make new ones.
Seriously, can someone tell me what’s going on with that Gemini restaurant on Waterman street? The sign says it’s owned by the same guy who used to own Spice Thai Restaurant—that is, me—but I still don’t understand this place.
It’s “Eurasian cuisine,” I guess.
The Corporation today is set to approve University President Christina Paxson’s long-term strategic plan for Brown, which consists solely of the word “trajectory” printed 3,547 times.
The plan now stands for approval by the Corporation, the University’s leading authority on the word “trajectory.” If approved this month, the first 200 uses of the word “trajectory” are expected to go into effect by the end of this year.
Former State Department officials judging the West Valley High School Model United Nations conference are praising the program for its accurate portrayal of the unsupervised debauchery and moral bankruptcy evidenced in “grown-up” diplomacy.
“We are in awe that a simulation for high school students can so accurately depict the completely unfettered fuck-fest that is working to bridge the gap between nations,” said Margery Johnson, former ambassador to Uruguay.
Onlookers described the scene as “mortifying” when local helicopter parent Cornelia Jacobson refused to leave her teenage daughter Becky alone, slamming her 12-ton metal chassis into a crowd of Becky’s friends.
Jacobson, who is a Boeing CH-47 Chinook often used for Special Forces training exercises, was heard telling her daughter the proper way to fold her socks minutes before the crash that killed 10.
A study intended to find a more terrible name for the rowing position than “coxswain” could find no such worse word.
The report, commissioned by the International Rowing Federation, concluded that “coxswain” is absolutely the worst thing that the rowing community could call the member of the crew who sits in the stern of the boat and tells rowers when to stroke.
In an interview given yesterday for the online music magazine Pitchfork, singer-songwriter-arsonist Fred Marsden said that he primarily focuses his attention on his songwriting.
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