“I know what goes on at Kyle’s house and I don’t want you going, end of story,” the country’s jerk moms told their sons this morning, which, sources confirmed, sucks so much. This total bullshit reportedly comes less than a week after ridiculously strict mothers everywhere made their sons drive home before midnight when Kelly Ryan threw down, even though like half of the junior class was there.

When their sons pointed out that Mr. and Mrs. McGovern are going to be there so it’s obviously going to be fine, American moms acted like it didn’t even matter. Experts agree that they honestly don’t even care that all of their sons’ friends are going even though this means that there will be literally nothing else to do.

“You can always go bowling or go see a movie with some friends,” the moms said, an awful idea because no one would ever want to do either when there’s a party. Acting like everything was somehow their sons’ fault, they added, “If you want to sit around here and mope all night, that’s your choice.”

Refusing to continue the conversation because they definitely knew they were wrong, the women who probably never went to a party in high school handed their sons the lunch they had prepared them for school.