“Records show that this little guy is one day old and doesn’t know anything,” the report read, in reference to the apparent infant that you’re insensitive ass just insulted. “If this guy was old enough to understand what you were insinuating, he’d be very upset. You’re lucky his brain hasn’t developed enough to make memories yet, or else he’d carry this grudge forever!”

“You should have been clued into his age by his lack of fine motor skills, extremely short stature, and reliance on immature ad-hominem arguments,” the report continued, concluding that this guy was very clearly a newborn and that you are very clearly a dickhead. “Only a real jerk would see all that and still decide to keep arguing. Shame on you!”

In related news, it was revealed that your coworkers are all, in fact, from Stupid Town.