“He’s gotta have, like, one percent body fat,” marveled junior Nora Patterson as she attended one of his lectures at the Watson Institute. “And his face is so chiseled, like a marble statue.”

“I can’t look away—his muscles are just so uniquely defined!” added Patterson, unable to focus on Paxson’s husband’s contributions to the field of public policy. “He must bike up College Hill at least a hundred times every day.”

At press time, Dean Zia’s smile was charmingly crooked.