“It’s a real tragedy," said Silverbone, whose access to top-of-the-line healthcare ensures he’ll have years of easy living on the other side of the pandemic. “I mean, when else will I get to live free of worry like that?”

“This virus has affected our lives in such important ways,” Silverbone reported while quarantined in his home, which contains more entertainment than most people will have access to in their entire lives. “For example, Spring Weekend is an experience I’ll never get back. I’ll have to make do with all-access passes to Coachella, Lollapalooza, and Governors Ball on my dad’s dime during my 20s.”

“Parties, excitement, those aren’t things you’ll be able to count on having forever,” concluded Silverbone, whose generational wealth means he will almost surely be able to count on exactly that for the rest of his mortal coil. “It’s a shame that I’ll miss the excitement of Campus Dance. Even though I have the means to hop on a plane to attend next year’s — it won’t be the same.”

At press time, Silverbone was lamenting the possibility of losing a summer internship that could’ve been a springboard to a career he’d never need anyway.