Ethan's articles
Sources report that the date when you feasibly could have still thrown together that great Halloween costume has just now passed.
“I’m sure you were really happy to be able to think of that clever, creative, DIY costume,” said a panel of experts.
In a recent press release, The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention announced to the American public that they will be protected from the Delta variant if they post a pro-vaccination social media post.
“We understand that many are wary about the country easing social distancing requirements and loosening mask mandates," a spokesperson for the CDC said Tuesday.
Sources report that while receiving a COVID test at the Olney-Margolies Athletic Center, student Verrazzano Armstrong was contacted about scheduling another COVID test.
“I had just finished blowing my nose and was waiting for the worker to give me the nasal swab,” Armstrong stated, wearily scrolling down the Verily mobile site.
Sources close to the situation report that rejects from this summer’s Goldman Sachs internship have been told that this year’s pool of applicants wasn’t particularly large or talented so they probably just suck.
“After long and careful consultation, the acceptance committee was unable to find anything exceptional about this year’s pool of applicants,” the email read.
In a statement from the Oval Office Wednesday, newly inaugurated President Joe Biden called for at least one new Iraq War-level conflict to heal the nation
“Now is the time for us to heal as a nation, to see one another as people again,” Biden said in a televised address to the country, wearing a purple necktie as a symbol of bipartisanship.
In an email to Brown’s student body yesterday, President Christina Paxson announced that Brown’s campus was entering stage two of phase one of something else that wouldn’t be enforced.
“I am pleased to announce that we have managed to bypass the first stage of the opening phase and are entering into a new one,” Paxson wrote about a plan that doesn’t mean anything since the University won’t actually make anyone follow these guidelines anyway.
Sources have reported that area mom Grian Roser is typing on her computer’s keyboard as if she’s attacking it.
“At first I thought she was angry about something” reported Arlene Roser, Grian’s daughter, as her mother viciously jabbed into the keys to spell the word “sincerely” in a happy birthday email to her sister.
In an email to Brown’s undergraduate student body last Tuesday, Brown President Christina Paxson assured students that the fall 2020 academic semester would be safe for the entire endowment.
“I am aware that recent surges in COVID-19 cases at other universities attempting to hold in-person classes and their subsequent closures may worry some students,” Paxson wrote.
Rich Brown student Reginald Silverbone ’20 expressed his frustration with the COVID-19 crisis, lamenting the fact that he’ll only have the rest of his life to make up for the fun times he missed out on due to the loss of his Senior Spring.
“It’s a real tragedy," said Silverbone, whose access to top-of-the-line healthcare ensures he’ll have years of easy living on the other side of the pandemic.
A new study has shown that the period known as “Spring Semester” is, in fact, mostly just more winter.
“You would expect that something called ‘Spring Semester’ would take place almost entirely in the season of spring,” commented lead researcher Jannie Farnsworth.
Sources report that Brown senior Luton McFarland was treating the process of getting the optimal dishes before the Ratty closed like he was a grizzled general planning for war.
“With a quick sweep of comforts, I should be able to save some of the jerk-style chicken before it’s gone," he said matter-of-factly.
Sources close to the situation have reported that this is going to be one of those readings sophomore Ken Dodson skims. “I really think skimming the introduction and conclusion should give me just as much understanding as reading the entire article,” he stated after reading a few pages of the thirty-plus page article assigned for his anthropology course, ignoring his prior commitment to “really put the pedal to the metal” with his readings this week.
MLB commissioner Rob Manfred released a statement this morning confirming that in order to boost the flagging attendance of the Tampa Bay Rays, the league will take the measure of forcing the area to receive the New York Mets should the situation not improve.
Sources close to the situation report that new freshman Harry Evans ‘23 has been persuaded to put his name on the knitting club Listserv by a single Tootsie Roll.
“I came to the Activities Fair hoping to find out more about a few clubs I’m interested in and then leave,” Evans reported.
Calling it one of the toughest decisions of his career, Rhode Island Democratic Senator Floyd Bobbler took a brave bipartisan stand last Tuesday and crossed party lines to vote against human decency.
“I am not going to let partisan politics, or a basic sense of right and wrong, stand in the way of progress for our country,” Bobbler reported after the vote.
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