Saturday, February 22, 2020
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The Brown Noser

Ethan Jobson

Writer

Ethan's articles

Student Strategically Planning Which Foods To Get Before Ratty Closes Like Grizzled General About To Enter Battle | Dec 06 2019

Sources report that Brown senior Luton McFarland was treating the process of getting the optimal dishes before the Ratty closed like he was a grizzled general planning for war. “With a quick sweep of comforts, I should be able to save some of the jerk-style chicken before it’s gone," he said matter-of-factly.

Ok, This Going To Be One Of Those Readings Student Skims | Oct 25 2019

Sources close to the situation have reported that this is going to be one of those readings sophomore Ken Dodson skims. “I really think skimming the introduction and conclusion should give me just as much understanding as reading the entire article,” he stated after reading a few pages of the thirty-plus page article assigned for his anthropology course, ignoring his prior commitment to “really put the pedal to the metal” with his readings this week.

MLB Warns Tampa Bay Rays Fans That If Game Attendance Doesn’t Improve, It Will Give Them The Mets | Sep 13 2019

MLB commissioner Rob Manfred released a statement this morning confirming that in order to boost the flagging attendance of the Tampa Bay Rays, the league will take the measure of forcing the area to receive the New York Mets should the situation not improve.

Single Tootsie Roll All It Takes For Weak-Willed Freshman To Sign Up For Knitting Club Listserv | Sep 13 2019

Sources close to the situation report that new freshman Harry Evans ‘23 has been persuaded to put his name on the knitting club Listserv by a single Tootsie Roll. “I came to the Activities Fair hoping to find out more about a few clubs I’m interested in and then leave,” Evans reported.

Senator Takes Brave, Bipartisan Stand Against Human Decency | Oct 26 2018

Calling it one of the toughest decisions of his career, Rhode Island Democratic Senator Floyd Bobbler took a brave bipartisan stand last Tuesday and crossed party lines to vote against human decency. “I am not going to let partisan politics, or a basic sense of right and wrong, stand in the way of progress for our country,” Bobbler reported after the vote.