“I’m not surprised in the slightest,” said partygoer Piper Webb, in light of the recent disclosure. “These campus influencers are always promoting these events months in advance, when they seem like a good idea in theory. They hook you in with a 15% discount code and everyone begins going feral, saying SV Beach Bash is going to be a true night to remember. Next thing you know, the night of the party rolls around and people are dropping like flies – for Lantern, for Crew, you know. And there go our $17 VIP tickets, down the drain.”
“You would have thought I would’ve learned my lesson by now,” continued Webb, who has purchased tickets for the past six SV parties and attended genuinely none of them. “But I haven’t. Just can’t seem to get myself to Fete Lounge like I used to. Some people might consider it a waste of money, but I like to think of it as my charity contribution. We really gotta support small businesses, you know. Not everyone is having large victories…”
At press time, attendance records for a recent departmental lecture revealed that 77% of students who told their professors they would attend were straight-up lying.