Aidan's articles
Sources report that a Brown EMS worker is really nothing more than a child laborer with a slight interest in biology.
“Wait a damn minute. You’re telling me that I’m supposed to go to that guy in the event of a medical emergency?” questioned junior Silas Reed, motioning to the BEMS worker picking his nose outside the entrance of the campus dance.
Fourth grader Mia Thompson’s strikingly accurate Monica Lewinsky costume was not the most well-received at a local elementary school’s Halloween parade.
“It was a choice, and definitely not the right one,” commented fourth grade teacher Ms.
Sources report that Nora Stevens of Troop 41070 was really milking the whole absent father thing to boost cookie sales.
“The last thing my father said to me before he left was just how much he loved Tagalongs,” wept Stevens to a customer who simply asked how much the cookies were being sold for.
Investment banking summer associate dishing out thank yous to everyone on LinkedIn, even Gary.
“I am filled with such immense joy and gratitude for the people that I got to call my colleagues and, above all, my family these past 10 weeks” read Amelia Hays’ recent LinkedIn post, before proceeding into four consecutive paragraphs of ‘thank yous’ that even included Gary.
Girl named Emma who visited Paris this summer seriously debating whether “Emily In Paris” caption would still apply to her Instagram photo dump.
“When you think about it, Emma is basically just a shortened version of Emily” professed sophomore Emma Hill, intently scrolling through 117 nearly identical photos of her posed in front of the Eiffel Tower to determine which to post.
Sources report that senior friends are living above Feed The Cheeks, and some next to it, and others across from it, and also some in a 4 x 4 cellar in the depths of the Feed The Cheeks basement.
“Pretty much every senior I know describes their off-campus housing in relation to Feed the Cheeks,” commented senior Luna Newman, herself a tenant of 190 Angell, colloquially known as Feed the Cheeks.
Sophomore Katie Ellison admits it’s kinda weird seeing Ezra in her English seminar after sharing the same excrement bucket during their BOLT hiking trip.
“I mean, I just can’t wrap my head around it!” exclaimed Ellison, disoriented hearing Ezra speak so eloquently about the symbolism behind Orwell’s Animal Farm after literally going number two in the same bucket as him for all of last week.
Shirtless dude Sebastian Campbell announces plans to play shirtless little games with shirtless friends on main green shirtless.
“Hey c’mon man, why is your shirt still on? It’s 67 degrees and sunny!” shouted Campbell to his friend, about to play some shirtless little games on the Main Green for the remainder of the day.
Junior Jessie Bauer has been acting like
her time is as precious as the Pope’s while
scheduling 35-minute meals on GCal with
friends. “I’ve just been super, super busy lately
with classes and clubs, but how does a
35-minute Vdub lunch sound? I have an
opening on the 7th of next month at like
2:20 pm,” suggested Bauer, threatening to
offer that time slot to someone else if her
friend did not confirm their plans within
the next 5 minutes.
Amid a last-minute costume brainstorming session, a freshmen friend group was considering very basic group costume ideas like fairies or maybe Economic Sciences Nobel Prize laureates.
“I was really hoping we could dress as something basic this year-off the top of my head, maybe like fairies or, ooh, perhaps Economic Sciences Nobel Prize Laureates?” suggested Sasha Rivera to her friend group, too tired to put in the energy for an elaborate costume this year.
Freshman stunned during orientation week ice-breaker by “two truths and a lie” revelation that roommate has not one dog but two.
“I really could not believe it – I was convinced he only had one dog” exclaimed freshman Sebastian Reyes, taken aback by the realization that his roommate grew up with a Siberian Husky in addition to his French Bulldog.
High school protagonist Serena Alston of new HBO coming-of-age series literally everywhere but in school.
“Guys, how about we go see a showing at the drive-in movie theater” exclaimed Alston to her friends, even though she most definitely should be in school at 10:00 a.m.
A newly published, groundbreaking study discovered that individuals who repost their birthday shoutouts on Instagram are the most insufferable, vain, arrogant human beings to walk the planet.
“There is no sugarcoating the truth – these people are next-level unbearable,” announced Oliver Campbell, the study’s prime researcher, in a press conference with ABC News.
Sources report that a classmate’s summer internship is way too good to not be nepotism.
“There is absolutely no way Preston landed that internship on his own merit,” divulged first-year Charles Perez, enviously staring at his classmate’s LinkedIn post announcing his summer internship at McKinsey & Company.
Junior Claude Torres is ready for a relatively tame summer of yachting, international travel, and exotic animal collection.
“This school year was beyond hectic, so I’m looking forward to a super chill and lowkey summer,” Torres was overheard telling friends, as his family group chat blew up with texts debating whether they should travel to Lake Como or Saint Tropez in August.
A recent study found that the Urban Outfitters on Thayer is exclusively sustained by last-minute birthday gift purchases for girl you don’t know what to get.
“The Urban on Thayer is literally such a lifesaver!” blurted sophomore Abigail Collins, on her way to pick out yet another color variation of the modern love corset top for her friend’s birthday party that evening.
A recent analysis of SV’s financial records has indicated that 87% of profits derive from people who preemptively buy tickets and don’t show up.
“I’m not surprised in the slightest,” said partygoer Piper Webb, in light of the recent disclosure.
Area man Rowan Nichols blissfully unaware that his skinny jeans may be a little too skinny.
“They looked killer on the model at Abercrombie, so I knew I had to give them a go,” remarked Nichols, amidst a painfully taut walk to class in which he could only manage to take nanoscopic strides.
In what was reportedly an incredibly uncomfortable conservation, first-year Amelia Hansley impulsively responded with “Slay!” after her friend shared news of a family car accident.
“Look, it just slipped out of my mouth – I obviously didn’t mean it,” cried Hansley, immediately regretting how absorbed she has become in TikTok vocabulary.
Sources report that high schooler Quinton Fraser is begging to know a Brown student’s admission stats as if that student’s last name isn’t 85 Waterman.
“How many AP classes did you take each year of high school?” Fraser fanatically asked Wyatt 85 Waterman, completely unaware he was speaking to a lineal descendant of the 85 Waterman bloodline.
After months of trip-planning contention, sophomore Kailey Davis’s friend group has pivoted spring break plans from a European adventure to four nights at Tatum’s house in rural West Virginia.
“Paris would have been a dream come true, but Tatum’s house will be a ton of fun too,” emphasized Davis, anxiously scanning TripAdvisor’s list of 15 Best Things to Do in West Virginia for anything remotely enjoyable.
Sources report that first-year Lucas Moore was shocked to see several classmates on the Amtrak back home, as if every other student at this school isn’t from fucking New Jersey.
“When I first arrived at Providence Place Station, I was surprised by how many students I saw dressed in Brown merch,” said Moore, baffled by the sheer number of students he recognized about to board Acela Train 2165 back to the Garden State.
I seriously can’t believe that bitch had the audacity to take Park Place. Park Place for crying out loud! Everyone knows it is my property. Kaitlyn could have taken St. James Place or Ventnor Avenue – even North Carolina Avenue would have been okay.
Sources report that sophomore Brent Walker is really overselling his fascination with flightless dung beetles for free Kabob & Curry at department-sponsored seminar. “When I saw the announcement in Today@Brown last week about this thrilling biology seminar, I practically collapsed out of excitement,” explained Walker, staring in awe at the mountain of chicken tikka masala on his plate.
Within the business world, the widespread social media app BeReal highlights the thrilling lifestyle of corporate grunt Cody Walton.
“The premise of the app is pretty cool—you never know what you’ll be up to when the BeReal notification goes off,” said Walton, whose BeReal photos are taken exclusively in his 4 x 4 cubicle and mostly feature his computer monitor.
An on-campus student organization with a five-stage multifaceted interview and selection process proudly announced that they are "open to everyone!”
“We would love to have you and hope you will consider joining us,” declared the group’s president Jeremiah Whitlock, handing over five essay prompts and a request for letters of recommendation.
Amber Williams ’24, a student who recently landed a summer internship at a top consulting firm, announced that she is beyond thrilled for her friend who was hired at a local ice cream shop.
“Working at Scoops Creamery will look great on a resume,” exclaimed Williams to her friend as she simultaneously updated her LinkedIn profile with her new consulting gig.
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