“I have a new invention that will change the course of humanity!” exclaimed Barnabus Sharpe, whose head was covered in a patchwork of wispy tufts. “I propose a potion that will induce drowsiness!”

“Yeah, honestly, his ideas are pretty normal,” said Sharpe’s assistant, Robert Graves, whose luscious mane glimmered in the laboratory’s dim light. “But his hair, well, yeah, he could definitely use a haircut.”

“I’ve got it! I’ve solved the problem of dry cuticles!” said Sharpe, whose hair suggested he’d been recently electrocuted and set on fire twice, despite the fact that his experiments were totally safe and banal. “Oh, what a strange and distorted creature I am!”

At press time, a local monster was way too well-adjusted to justify its killing spree.