“It’s everyone’s duty to defend themselves from the Devil,” Scopes-Walcott urged, brandishing a thick tome bound in glowing runes. “Unfortunately, we’ve discovered that the Devil has taken up residence in most computers across the country. Guns kill the Devil, even inside a computer, so this is kind of a no-brainer. But people have got to take the initiative.”

“The angels who speak to me in my dreams said this is really urgent,” Scopes-Walcott stressed, pulling out a gun and gesturing wildly with it. “You need to obliterate your computer with a firearm as soon as you can, for your safety and the safety of those around you.”

At press time, Scopes-Walcott mistook a TV for a computer and unloaded a magazine into it.